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Crockpot.

THE Y.P.oscaRs:
THE SEXIST & XENOPHOBIC AWARDS



The Sexist & Xenophobic Awards are traditionally handed out in a separate ceremony, after the Technical Awards and before the Main Event.

[ Red = Should win   |   Bold = Will win ]

PART I: THE XENOPHOBIES

Best Round-eye Gaijin in the Orient:

  • Uma Thurman kung-fu-kicks; Kill Bill, Vol. I
  • Bill Murray karaokes; Lost in Translation
  • Tom Cruise kowtows; The Last Samurai
Best Gringo South of the Border:
  • Johnny Depp actually says "Are you a Mexican or a Mexican't?"; Once Upon a Time in Mexico
  • America's college students cowboy it up; The Real Cancún
  • Captain Jack Sparrow "drinks rum on the beach"; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl
Best Honksploitation of a Whitey Playin' Gangsta:
  • Lisa Kudrow embarrasses all races; Marci X
  • Jamie Kennedy, ditto; Malibu's Most Wanted
  • Adam Goldberg, self-hating Jew; The Hebrew Hammer
Best Wackily Mismatched-Ethnic High Jinks:
  • Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Bulletproof Monk
  • Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Shanghai Knights
  • Chop-socky Asian befriends gangsta rapper; Cradle 2 the Grave
  • Irish émigrés befriend scary black dude; In America
  • Those swarthy subcontinentals stole my house!; House of Sand and Fog
  • American white trash vs. Eurotrash; Just Married
  • Old white fuddy-duddy & sassy sista; Bringing Down the House
Most Confusing to the White Man:
  • Wait, Kingpin's a black dude?; Daredevil
  • Wait, God's a black dude?; Bruce Almighty
  • Is Jessica Alba multiëthnic?; Honey
  • How 'bout Vin Diesel?; A Man Apart
Best Mangled Foreign-Language Title:
  • Padrone e Comandante: Il Lato Lontano del Mondo
    (Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World)
    ; Italian
  • Meisje met een Oorring van de Parel
    (Girl with a Pearl Earring)
    ; Dutch
  • Was ein Mädchen wünschen
    (What a Girl Wants)
    ; German
  • Un Pescado Grande
    (Big Fish)
    ; Spanish
  • Les Anges de Charlie : Pleine Commande de Puissance
    (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle)
    ; French

PART II: THE SEXIES

Most Uncomfortable Homoerotic Moment:

  • Russell Crowe winks at a dirty South American hooker from the boat, but otherwise prefers the company of young boys; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
  • Frolicsome hobbits pillow-fighting; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
  • Johnny Depp's fabulous eyeliner; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl
  • Shirtless, pubescent lost boys and a fairy; Peter Pan
Most Frightening Nudity:
  • All them old hags' gnarled corpses; Calendar Girls
  • Diane Keaton's saggy bags; Something's Gotta Give
  • Meg Ryan's squandered youth; In the Cut
  • Danny DeVito's pale, post-lycanthropic ass; Big Fish
  • That dude's sickly member; 28 Days Later
  • Frank the Tank streaks; Old School
Best Black-Leather-Clad Masturbatory Material for Geeky Comic-Book Fanboys:
  • Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity, the leathered, neo-Luddite freedom fighter; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions
  • Jennifer Garner as Elektra, the leathered, Greek, ninja assassin; Daredevil
  • Famke Janssen as Jean Grey, the leathered, telepathic, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United
  • Halle Berry as Storm, the leathered, weather-controlling, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United
  • Kate Beckinsale as Selene, the leathered, British bloodsucker; Underworld
Best Heaving Cleavage in a Period Piece:
  • Keira Knightly's knockers; Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
  • Liv Tyler's spry, elfin rack ; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
  • Scarlett Johansson's Old Master jubblies; Girl with a Pearl Earring
  • Monica Bellucci's massive bosom; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions*
Special Uncle Grambo Award for So Effing Best Hott Underage Ingénue Jailbait:
  • Hilary Duff; The Lizzie McGuire Movie
  • Lindsay Lohan; Freaky Friday
  • Amanda Bynes; What a Girl Wants
  • Keisha Castle-Hughes; Whale Rider
  • Evan Rachel Wood; Thirteen
  • Nikki Reed; Thirteen





Hey, remember last year's Oscars?

OSCARS '03 HOME

Complete List of Nominees

What's in My Oscar Goodie Bag?
Crappy Oscar Song That Is Not Clever But Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and Juxtaposition of Movie Titles
A Postcard from Joan Rivers
Bruce Vilanche's To-Do List
Henny Youngman's Lifetime-Achievement Award Acceptance Speech



* The Matrix is a period piece, too: the future. Duh.





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