THE Y.P.oscaRs: THE SEXIST & XENOPHOBIC AWARDS The Sexist & Xenophobic Awards are traditionally handed out in a separate ceremony, after the Technical Awards and before the Main Event. [ Red = Should win   |   Bold = Will win ] PART I: THE XENOPHOBIES Best Round-eye Gaijin in the Orient: Uma Thurman kung-fu-kicks; Kill Bill, Vol. I Bill Murray karaokes; Lost in Translation Tom Cruise kowtows; The Last Samurai Best Gringo South of the Border: Johnny Depp actually says "Are you a Mexican or a Mexican't?"; Once Upon a Time in Mexico America's college students cowboy it up; The Real Cancún Captain Jack Sparrow "drinks rum on the beach"; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl Best Honksploitation of a Whitey Playin' Gangsta: Lisa Kudrow embarrasses all races; Marci X Jamie Kennedy, ditto; Malibu's Most Wanted Adam Goldberg, self-hating Jew; The Hebrew Hammer Best Wackily Mismatched-Ethnic High Jinks: Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Bulletproof Monk Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Shanghai Knights Chop-socky Asian befriends gangsta rapper; Cradle 2 the Grave Irish émigrés befriend scary black dude; In America Those swarthy subcontinentals stole my house!; House of Sand and Fog American white trash vs. Eurotrash; Just Married Old white fuddy-duddy & sassy sista; Bringing Down the House Most Confusing to the White Man: Wait, Kingpin's a black dude?; Daredevil Wait, God's a black dude?; Bruce Almighty Is Jessica Alba multiëthnic?; Honey How 'bout Vin Diesel?; A Man Apart Best Mangled Foreign-Language Title: Padrone e Comandante: Il Lato Lontano del Mondo (Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World); Italian Meisje met een Oorring van de Parel (Girl with a Pearl Earring); Dutch Was ein Mädchen wünschen (What a Girl Wants); German Un Pescado Grande (Big Fish); Spanish Les Anges de Charlie : Pleine Commande de Puissance (Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle); French PART II: THE SEXIES Most Uncomfortable Homoerotic Moment: Russell Crowe winks at a dirty South American hooker from the boat, but otherwise prefers the company of young boys; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World Frolicsome hobbits pillow-fighting; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Johnny Depp's fabulous eyeliner; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl Shirtless, pubescent lost boys and a fairy; Peter Pan Most Frightening Nudity: All them old hags' gnarled corpses; Calendar Girls Diane Keaton's saggy bags; Something's Gotta Give Meg Ryan's squandered youth; In the Cut Danny DeVito's pale, post-lycanthropic ass; Big Fish That dude's sickly member; 28 Days Later Frank the Tank streaks; Old School Best Black-Leather-Clad Masturbatory Material for Geeky Comic-Book Fanboys: Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity, the leathered, neo-Luddite freedom fighter; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions Jennifer Garner as Elektra, the leathered, Greek, ninja assassin; Daredevil Famke Janssen as Jean Grey, the leathered, telepathic, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United Halle Berry as Storm, the leathered, weather-controlling, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United Kate Beckinsale as Selene, the leathered, British bloodsucker; Underworld Best Heaving Cleavage in a Period Piece: Keira Knightly's knockers; Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl Liv Tyler's spry, elfin rack ; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Scarlett Johansson's Old Master jubblies; Girl with a Pearl Earring Monica Bellucci's massive bosom; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions* Special Uncle Grambo Award for So Effing Best Hott Underage Ingénue Jailbait: Hilary Duff; The Lizzie McGuire Movie Lindsay Lohan; Freaky Friday Amanda Bynes; What a Girl Wants Keisha Castle-Hughes; Whale Rider Evan Rachel Wood; Thirteen Nikki Reed; Thirteen Hey, remember last year's Oscars? OSCARS '03 HOME Complete List of Nominees What's in My Oscar Goodie Bag? Crappy Oscar Song That Is Not Clever But Shoots for Cheap Laughs Based on Recognition of Pop Melodies and Juxtaposition of Movie Titles A Postcard from Joan Rivers Bruce Vilanche's To-Do List Henny Youngman's Lifetime-Achievement Award Acceptance Speech * The Matrix is a period piece, too: the future. Duh. Write to Y.P.R. Write for Y.P.R. Right on, Y.P.R.