10 SECONDS BEFORE SHOWTIME       More zing! More zazz! Cuter, but dirtier! No, no, dirrrtier! Think Aguilera! Yes, yes, that's it! Now you've got it! You're doing it! Shake that ass! Now you go out there, goddamn it, and you be the best Andy Dick impersonator you can be!
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MORE SOAPBOX

SEATING ARRANGEMENTS       Pete, sit next to John, Tom next to Peter, James next to... no, no, not you James, I meant little James. Yes, good, okay, now Thad if you'd... okay, okay, fine, Pete next to Tom. John, if you'd move across the table, there's an empty seat over here... What's wrong with that chair? Well, they're all pretty much the same... Okay, does anybody mind switching with Matt? He needs a high-backed chair for his neck... I know, me too, especially when it rains... Okay, so is everybody seated? Are we good? Can we finally eat? What? Well, the sun is going to be in your eyes no matter what... Okay, okay, everybody up and crowd around at this side of the table. I know it's awkward but nobody wants to squint. Jesus, you sit in the middle.


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