10 SECONDS BEFORE SHOWTIME More zing! More zazz! Cuter, but dirtier! No, no, dirrrtier! Think Aguilera! Yes, yes, that's it! Now you've got it! You're doing it! Shake that ass! Now you go out there, goddamn it, and you be the best Andy Dick impersonator you can be!
LITERARY EXPERTISE

DAILY PIECES   |   FEATURES   |    LETTERS

FRUIT SALAD   |   GUFF   |   W.U.W.T.?

BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

SOAPBOX   |   FOR FURTHER READING

SAY IT IN GERMAN! Ihr Körper sein ein Märchenland. -- 'Your Body Is a Wonderland,' John Mayer!

Y . P . R .   I S   H I R I N G !




COBBLER
Must be able to mend leather shoes, boots, sandals. 3 years cobbling or cobbling-related experience please. Darning socks a plus.

WHEELWRIGHT
Looking for exp'd wheelwright to craft sturdy wooden wagon wheels. Part-time/full-time.

TINSMITH
We've got tons of tin just laying around. Some in foil balls, most in big sheets. We'd like somebody who can help us build a monument or something.

MIDWIFE / WET NURSE
Y.P.R. has babies due birthing. All we've got is a bucket of water and a towel. Immediate opening (no pun intended).


C O N T A C T

Please e-mail résumés to our Human Resources department at hr@yankeepotroast.org.




MORE SOAPBOX

SEATING ARRANGEMENTS Pete, sit next to John, Tom next to Peter, James next to... no, no, not you James, I meant little James. Yes, good, okay, now Thad if you'd... okay, okay, fine, Pete next to Tom. John, if you'd move across the table, there's an empty seat over here... What's wrong with that chair? Well, they're all pretty much the same... Okay, does anybody mind switching with Matt? He needs a high-backed chair for his neck... I know, me too, especially when it rains... Okay, so is everybody seated? Are we good? Can we finally eat? What? Well, the sun is going to be in your eyes no matter what... Okay, okay, everybody up and crowd around at this side of the table. I know it's awkward but nobody wants to squint. Jesus, you sit in the middle.

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