December 16, 1976 | Geoff Wolinetz | history major
My dearest Geoffrey,
Well, well, well, 27 years old, big boy. Your friends are all successful doctors and lawyers and actuaries, and they're all married already. And you, my boy, you spend your days typing insipid little stories filled with poopy jokes and racial slurs, and sometimes you send thinly veiled threats to celebrities and diplomats. What kind of life is that for a history major? I told you this would happen if you skipped out on my lectures! I told you you'd rue the day you ditched my Wednesday evening class to catch "Felicity"! And now look: you're ruing! You're ruing the day! Don't ever fuck with me, boy, I can see through time.
Happy rueful birthday.
Sincerely,
W. Warren Wagar III
Professor, History of the Future
December 15, 1949 | Don Johnson | actor
Dear DoJo,
Happy 54th Birthday! In honor of your special day, big Don, I'll be spending 16 straight hours on my couch watching a "Nash Bridges" marathon with my dog Wiggles. Wiggles loves your show. He can even bark the theme song! Wow, 16 hours of "Nash." Does life get any better? I don't want to miss a minute of it, and neither does Wiggles. Heck, I'm not even going to get up to go to the bathroom! No sir, if I have to go #1, I'll just do it in the empty Diet Mountain Dew bottle I keep beside the couch for emergency #1 occasions. If I have to go #2, I'll just close my eyes and mentally will the bad stuff to go back to Hell where it came from, just like the nuns taught me to in kindergarten. Oh boy, Nash, Nash, Nash. Hurray!
Happy birthday, D.J.
Love,
Josh Abraham
P.S. Do you know how to get dog mess out of couch upholstery? The couch is plaid, does that help?
December 11, 1979 | Rider Strong | actor
Dear Rider Strong,
Ride her. Strong.
Do you see now?
Happy 24th birthday,
Geoff
December 5, 1963 | Doctor Dre | (the big fat one)
Dear Doctor Dre,
Happy 40th Birthday! Good grief, Doctor, I can't believe there are two black men in the hip-hop world both named Doctor Dre -- and neither one of you actually has a medical degree! It's a good thing you're so damn fat and round, otherwise I'd never be able to tell you apart from that other "Doctor." Also, can you believe there are two guys from Australia named Paul Hogan? That bloke who played 'Crocodile' Dundee and that daffy old butler who dupes unsuspecting gold-diggers into believing the elaborate, Fox-sponsored charade that some yokel is a millionaire. What are the chances? Or do you think maybe they've only got like 10 or 12 names down there, and everybody's got to share? I have two aunts both named Mitzie, because back in Poland, they were so poor they had to share names. So Australia's probably the same.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Doc. Say hi to that other guy from "Yo! MTV Raps" -- you know, what's his name -- D.J. Jazzy Jeff.
Hey ya,
Josh Abraham
December 1, 1935 | Woody Allen | actor/director
Dear Woody,
Happy 68th Birthday! My grampa is 68, and he still gets dates with Tiffani Thiesen, Debra Messing, and Téa Leoni, so don’t you ever think you’ve got to stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. Also, my grampa is hilariously out of touch with his surroundings -- he still thinks Atari is cutting-edge video-game technology, and he’s never even heard of Friendster. That doesn’t stop him from being a biting social satirist! He’s always spouting these stale jokes from the L.B.J. era, and you know what? They’re just as groan-inducing as ever! I don’t care what the critics say; you are in your prime, Woody! You keep making crappy movies, and I’ll keep seein’ ’em!
Happy Birthday, you daft old fuddy-duddy!
Love,
Josh
P.S. Also, Grampa married the Vietnamese daughter he fathered during the war, and we’re all fine with that.
