Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us.
Enjoy.
April 30, 1982 | Kirsten Dunst | mary jane
Dear Ms. Dunst,
Happy 21st! I'll take you for a couple of beers. I just need you to
hear
me out on this one thing.
I'm writing a novel/screenplay entitled, "How Kirsten Dunst Attended My
Worldwide Movie Premiere." Basically, HKDAMWMP is about the process of
getting you to attend my worldwide movie premiere. Well, I'm nearing
completion of the script (it's a doozy!) and I'd love it if you could
look
it over and let me know if you'd be willing to do the film. HKDAMWMP
is a
delightful romp featuring me in the lead. I've gotten Marion Ross to
sign
on for the role of my grandmother who raised me from infancy. Your
role
would be playing yourself. It's a just a small role toward the end
(and a
little bit at the beginning, plus some in the middle) and it requires
no
nudity (unless you are willing). HKDAMWMP has s the potential to be a
big
hit but doing it without you would be like doing "Being John Malkovich"
without John Malkovich or doing "The Larry Sanders Show" without Larry
Sanders. You see where I'm going with this.
Anyway, if you could get back to me about HKDAMWMP, I'd appreciate it.
I
think you'll really enjoy it. Please find the script enclosed.
Happy Birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
April 29, 1969 | Master P | rapper
Dearest Master P,
Happy Birthday, Master P., ungh. You’re the mogul of No Limit Records, ungh. You’re so popular and famous you even had your own stalker this year. I’m glad
they put that guy in jail, na na na na. I bought the Master P talking doll. Ungh. I squeeze the doll every day when I wake up and hear the sweet Ungh and na
na na na.
You make beautiful music that the youth, like your son, Lil’ Romeo, can take inspiration from. Is that his real name? Lil’? That’s so cool. You’re brilliant
and are so brave to tackle such complex issues in your songs. Take “Dana, You Can Bang Her” for instance. It was that song that made me realize yes, yes, I can bang her. Thanks Master P. You’re a poet and you clearly knowed it. How else could you build a record label on grunts and advice on ho’s and dank? Ungh. Na na na na. Joke’s on my honky consumer ass, eh? Ungh na na na na.
I’ve got one question for you though, I’m thinking of becoming the Master of a letter too. Are there rights or fees involved with that? And if so, who should I
contact? Sesame Street? I want to feel as cool as you do when they say “This show was brought to you by the letter P” and you can sit there and think, I’m the master of that letter. Ungh, indeed.
Take care, P. Happy Birthday!
Ungh,
Nick Jezarian
April 29, 1969 | Carnie Wilson | ex-wilson philip
Dear Ms. Wilson,
Happy 34th birthday!
I'm not going to lie to you. I was astounded to discover that you are only 34 years old. No offense, but if someone had come up to me on the street and said, "How old is Carnie Wilson?" I would have said, "Who?" And then they would have said, "Carnie Wilson. From Wilson Phillips." And I would have said, "Which one in Wilson Phillips?" And they would have said, "The fat redhead." Then I would have said, "OH! I don't know." Then they would have said, "Come on, take a guess." And I would have said, "Why don't you just tell me?" And they would have said, "Just guess, you jerk." And I would have said, "Who are you calling a jerk, jerk? Now I'm not going to guess." They would say, "Okay, I'm sorry. Please guess." Then I would have said, "It's okay. I don't know. Like 45." They would have said, "Dude, you are way off. She's only 34." Then I would have punched him in the face for contradicting me in public.
Have a great birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
April 28, 1974 | Penélope Cruz | señorita
Dear Penélope,
Happy 29th Birthday! ¡Felice Coomplayanyos!
Your English is getting so much better, Penny! I used to have to put the Closed Captioning on (although I am not hearing-impaired) just to understand what the heck you were saying, but I caught Vanilla Sky on WHT last night, and I understood almost everything you were saying! I mean, I didn't understand the plot, but you were clear as a bell. Way better than Charo or J.Lope. Also, I've been studying Spanish by watching daytime Telemundo, so that might be helping me. Yo soy mucho hambre para ti! See? Ha ha! Did that make sense? I think one day I could be a good actor on a Spanish soap opera. Do you watch "Pantalones Caliente"? It's my favorite show. ¡Yo tengo dos a "tango," mi amiga bonita! ¡Olé! Ha ha. See you at the Spanish Daytime Emmys!
Hasta la vista, baby!
Josh
P.S. I'm sure you've heard this a billion times: If you marry Tom Cruise, you'll be Penélope Cruz Cruise. Right? How many times? I'm sure a billion zillion. My girlfriend's last name is Coen, and for a while she was dating this guy named Cohen, so she heard all those jokes too. But that Cohen guy is out of the picture now, so I win. You hear that, Billy Cohen? Ha. Sucker.
P.P.S. ¡Hola, Tom!
April 25, 1940 | Al Pacino | actor
Dear Al,
Hoo-ah! Happy 63rd Birthday! You're just getting warmed up! Attica!
Woo-ha! If you were the man you were five years ago, you'd take a flamethrower to this place! This whole court's outta order! Everytime you try to get out, they pull you back in! Are you talkin' to me? Are you? Talking to me? Coooooounselor! Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Whew, I'm tired. You sure do yell shit a lot in all your movies.
Happy Birthday, Al. I've got my eye on you, Focker!
Best,
Josh
April 24, 1964 | Cedric the Entertainer | entertainer
April 24, 1964 | Djimon Hounsou | actor
Dear Cedric and Djimmy,
Happy 39th Birthday, boys!
I'm a big fan of both of you guys! I've got cardboard cutouts of you guys in my dining room. I've cut off the legs (sorry!) and masking-taped your fake bodies into chairs, and now it looks like you're eating dinner with me! Cedric, you're entertaining us so much that Djimmy's snorting his milk through his nose. It's a riot! When I have guests, they can't stop talking about it. They say, "How lifelike! It's as if Cedric the Entertainer and Golden Globe-nominee Djimon Hounsou were truly here!" It really freaks the wife out, though. No, she ain't having any of that.
I can't wait to see you guys in the upcoming remake of "Twins." How great? Real-life twins playing twins in a movie!
Best wishes,
Josh Abraham
April 23, 1949 | Joyce DeWitt | actress
Dear Ms. DeWitt,
Happy 54th Birthday! First of all, Joyce, I'd like to say I'm simply outraged that the "executive producers" didn't pick you to play the role of Janet Wood in the "Three's Company" feature film currently gearing up for production. I mean, it's understandable that they'd pander to horny, cash-waving teenagers by casting Ashton Kutcher as Jack and Tara Reid as Chrissy. But Selma Blair as Janet? That's ridiculous. Poor, poor casting choice there. She doesn't hold a candle to you, the legendary Joyce DeWitt. But, I guess it's all about image. And frankly, you've been flying way under the H-wood radar lately, babe.
But you're in luck, toots. You see, I'm a hot-shot marketing wiz on Madison Avenue. I practically sweat million-buck ideas. Me and the boys were discussing you over lunch and decided we could resurrect your career with a few hot commercials. Don't think of it as "selling out" by endorsing corporate products. Think of it as "selling out for a swimming pool full of cash." See? I bet your eyes just went cha-ching. I can sell anything to anybody!
Mountain Dew is very eager to sign you as their spokeswoman, because nothing says eXtreme like Joyce DeWitt. Picture this: Do the DeWitt. T-Shirts and bumper stickers, babe. That's gold. Nike wants in on the action, too. They got Spike Jonze signed on to direct your commercial: Just DeWitt. Cha-ching! Are your eyes doing dollar signs? Mine $ure are.
Gotta run, hon. Sushi and a steam with Estelle Getty this afternoon. Okay, get back to me quick; Madison Avenue is fickle. Happy Birthday, Joyce. To the eXtreme!
Best wishes,
Josh Abraham
April 21, 1951 | Tony Danza | actor
Dear Danza,
Happy 52nd!
You've starred in several successful sitcoms. You even starred in a
family drama until they cancelled it and moved all of the furniture out of
your office. You are the subject of a nice and very popular Elton John song
("Hold me closer, Tony Danza"). All of this and only 52 years old!
The question is: what is next for Tony Danza? I think I have the answer.
I'm in the process of casting for the film adaptation of my book,
"Dancing
Monkey." It's the story of a monkey from Africa, who travels thousands
of
miles to fulfill his dream of becoming the sidekick to a blind organ
grinder. Along the way, there is much hardship. In the big city, the
monkey's poor downtown apartment is robbed and his life savings are
stolen.
He must take a job cutting fish early in the morning down by the docks.
Ultimately, he triumphs and makes his dream come true. I have secured
Marcel the Monkey from "Friends" to play the lead. Uma Thurman will be
playing his love interest. I think you would be perfect for the role
of the
organ grinder. Please let me know if you'd like to take this role.
Correct
me if I'm wrong but I don't think the phone's ringing off the hook. Am
I
right? Think about it.
Hey, happy birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
April 18, 1947 | James Woods | actor
Dear Mr. Woods,
Happy 56th Birthday! James (if I may call you James; may I call you James?), I am a James Woods impersonator. I'm quite good! I look sort of like you, and I sound exactly like you, and I've rehearsed your inflection, your gestures, your facial tics -- everything! -- for years. I perform at parties: Bar Mitzvahs, birthday parties, bridal showers, retirement send-offs, "Ghosts of Mississippi" reënactments. You wouldn't believe how popular you are, James! It seems having a James Woods impersonator is the hip thing to do this season and, while I know it won't last forever, right now I am busier than a beaver.
Too busy, in fact. Plus, I have poor organization skills. Case in point: I think I've double-booked myself next weekend. Saturday night I'm supposed to be you at Estelle and Morty Feinblatt's 50th Anniversary Dinner and at a Ranch 1 opening in Westbury, Long Island. What am I going to do, James? I don't want to let down my fans or yours. You think you could help me out if you're not too busy? You could pretend to be me pretending to be you. 800 bucks, one night. You can have whichever affair you want; it makes no difference to me, really.
I know you'll come through for me, James. I thank you. Happy Birthday!
James Woodsly,
Josh Abraham
April 17, 1974 | Victoria Beckham (née
Adams (a.k.a Posh Spice))
Dear Vicky,
I'm sorry. For days I've been trying to think of a "Bend It Like Beckham" joke, and I've got nothing. Really, I'm ashamed.
Happy 29th Birthday, though.
Sullenly,
Josh Abraham
P.S. Eh, forget it. I almost had one.
April 15, 1966 | Samantha Fox | songstress/actress/muse
Dear Samantha Fox,
Happy 37th birthday!
I just wanted to make sure that no one overlooked your birthday. After all, I think you said it best yourself: Naughty girls need love too. Presumably, you are the said naughty girl and you need love. That's fine with me. I'm more than happy to dole out as much love as you need. I happen to love naughty girls. In fact one time in Vegas, I loved a naughty girl so much I nearly got arrested. Of course, that was before the missus came along. She needs so much love that I'm paying Pfizer through the nose. That's another story for another time.
Well, have a happy birthday! I hope I managed to squeeze out a little love for you.
Cheers,
Geoff Wolinetz
P.S. Is Fox your real last name? Because, you know, you're a "fox." Metaphorically speaking.
April 14, 1976 | Sarah Michelle Gellar | vampire slayer
Dear Buffy,
Happy 27th!
I, too, am a slayer. But not for vampires. No, I slay common household
pests. Armed with my can of Raid in my left holster and my mouse traps
lining my cross vest like so many bullets, I set to the task of weeding
out
and destroying the varmints that continue to infest my
cinderblock-based
trailer home. Cockroaches do not stand a chance against the vast array
of
homemade poisons that I have designed specifically for their
destruction.
Not coincidentally, these homemade poisons make for an excellent
after-dinner cocktail. In fact, if you stick one of those fancy
umbrellas
in your glass, it's almost as if you're at the beach in Florida.
Sadly, I
am not able to visit the Sunshine State anymore, on account of an
unfortunate incident at the Orlando Days Inn involving my homemade
pesticides and a small family of Latino descent. Your husband, the
comic
genius Freddie Prinze, would certainly know of what I speak.
Have a wonderful birthday, Buffy.
Geoff Wolinetz
April 14, 1973 | Adrien Brody | actor
Dear Adrien,
Happy 30th Birthday.
Look, Brody: Thanks for stealing my thunder. For so long, I've planned to sneak a kiss on Halle Berry if I ever got nominated for some kind of award that she was presenting, and now you've gone and done that on me. Now, should I be nominated for anything and she present it, even if it's just, like, an Emmy or something, I still can't go and do that, because everybody will just think, "What a loser, ripping off Adrien Brody's smooth move like that," even though PLANTING A KISS ON DELICIOUS HALLE BERRY WAS MY IDEA FIRST.
So thanks for ruining everything for me, Brody. Thanks a lot.
Happy Birthday.
Josh Abraham
April 11, 1932 | Joel Grey | actor
Dear Joel,
Happy 71st Birthday!
Joel,
Remo WIlliams: The Adventure Begins is my second-favorite thing in the whole world. (Most favorite? Laffy Taffy.) Sometimes, I spend whole weekends just lying on the floor watching Remo Williams, eating Laffy Taffy until I pass out in a giddy, hazy, sugary delirium.
My birthday wish for you, Joel: May you find a giant bag of your favorite confection and a VHS copy of your favorite movie, and spend your whole weekend on your living-room floor.
But, Joel, I'm slightly confused/concerned... You see, I thought you were Chinese, as you appear to be in RW:TAB, but when I looked up your fan club on the "Internet," it turns out you're whiter than country music. What gives, Joel? Also, I searched for some pics of your daughter, Jennifer Grey (my all-time favorite actress, and my fourth-favorite thing overall, behind Laffy Taffy, Remo, and "The Ketchup Song"). I barely recognized her! I thought some "Internet" hackers were digitally photomanipulating her face, (you know, like they often do with famous actresses' faces and not-famous smut stars' naked bodies, dripping wet and straddling a cello), but no -- it turns out your daughter had a nose job! What's going on here? Are the Greys on the lam? Are you guys hiding from mobsters or something?
I'm worried, Joel. Worried.
Happy 71!
Sincerely,
Josh Abraham
April 10, 1984 | Mandy Moore | irresistably cute pop star
Dear Mandy,
Happy 19th Birthday!
Okay, let's talk shop: You've got cuteness in the bag, Mandy. In the bag. But I'm afraid mere cuteness just doesn't cut the mustard these days. You need something more.
Now Britney's got the whole sexy-minx thing perfected; her appeal is like witchcraft. You shouldn't try touching that, Mandy. Chrristina's got the filthy harlot thing going pretty well; again, you should steer clear. Likewise, Avril and the punky tomboy chick thing. Have you seen tATu? Those little Russian tarts that kiss each other? I think they've got a good thing going. You should get in on it, and quick. Heed my words: ménage à trois, babe. That Michelle Branch strumpet is gonna be all up in that if you don't act on it soon. I hate that no-good floozy. I'd like to see you kick her ass. "A little bit o' this, a little bit o' that"? Indeed, Mandy. Indeed.
Happy 19!
Sincerely,
Josh Abraham
April 9, 1974 | Jenna Jameson | adult film actress
Dear Jenna,
Happy 29th Birthday!
I know the birthdays keep coming but you look fabulous for someone who has been stretched to the limit, if you know what I mean. Most people I know can count the number of people they’ve slept with on one or two hands, or possibly both hands and a foot, but you would need to borrow a platoon of fingers and toes to count! Seriously, you’ve accepted more downtrodden and poor than good old Miss Liberty herself. Perhaps we can meet for a cup of coffee sometime?
(Cue cheers from Arsenio’s dog pound: WOOF WOOF WOOF!)
Jenna, I’m a young man with tons of questions: Did you get your breasts as a past birthday present? Are they detachable? Do you ever play paddleball with them? Do they float like buoys when you take a bath? Is Ron Jeremy really that hairy? Where do you keep your pearl necklace collection?
I’d also like to get your advice on how to start a porn career when I’m hung like a squirrel. I have my name picked out already: Humpty Swappingspit.
Happy Birthday, Jenna!
Yours,
Nick Jezarian
April 8, 1966 | Robin Wright Penn | actress
Dear Ms. Wright Penn,
Happy 37th birthday!
I've known some creepy and weird guys in my time. My cousin Gregor used to milk the goat that we kept out back to dispose of the garbage. I knew a guy in high school who used to eat his own shoes. My college roommate used to walk around naked with nothing but a well-placed sock. There's a guy down the hall at work who, from time to time, will walk into my office, sit down and just stare at me. You get used to it.
My point is this: Will you tell your husband to knock it off? He's scaring my kids.
Happy birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
April 7, 1954 | Jackie Chan | last action hero
Dear Mr. Chan,
Happy 49th Birthday! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning! In fact, it was a little bit frightening for they fought with expert timing. They were funky Chinamen from funky Chinatown.
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down. It's an ancient Chinese art and everybody knew their part, from a faint into a slip, and a-kicking from the hip, everybody was kung-fu fighting. Those cats were fast as lightning. In fact it was a little bit frightening for they fought with expert timing. There was funky Billy Chin and little Sammy Chung. He said, "Here comes the big boss, let's get it on." We took a bow and made a stand, started swinging with the hand. The sudden motion made me skip! Now we're into a brand-new trip. Everybody was kung-fu fighting! Huh! Those cats were fast as lightning! Hah! Oh-oh-oh-oh! Huh! Oh-oh-oh-oh! Ha!
Oh-oh-oh-oh!
(Repeat, fade.)
Happy Birthday, Jackie!
Sincerely,
Josh Abraham
April 4, 1973 | David Blaine | creepy magician
Dear Master Blaine,
Happy 30th Birthday!
Blaine, you are a gigantic inspiration to me! You see, I am a traveling goggles salesman, and, well, we all know goggles sales of late haven't been what they used to be. People just don't wear goggles anymore! So, inspired by your astounding feats of endurance, I decided I would engage in a mind-boggling publicity stunt to drum up goggles sales.
After careful consideration, I decided the best feat of strength I could perform would be to lock myself in a phone booth full of salami in Union Square Park during the hottest week of the summer, when the atmosphere is at its swelteringest and the salami at its stinkiest. This type of show is sure to garner all sorts of media attention! (The Abraham & Co. Goggles logo will be loudly painted on the side of the phone booth, and in addition, I will have singing midgets performing my goggles jingle nonstop.)
I've been practicing for six months now. I started off easy: dunking my head in a pickle barrel of corned beef for an hour, eventually working up toward immersing myself in a bathtub full of Canadian bacon for a whole weekend. My spiced-meat stamina is now unparalleled. I fully believe I can withstand a whole week of closely confined salami. Not only that, but I am so confident in my abilities that:
I CHALLENGE YOU, BLAINE!
Are you man enough? Think you can outlast me? I'll be in a phone booth in the southwest corner of Union Square, July 10th through 17th. I expect to see you opposite me, in your own tank full of a spiced meat of your choosing.
May the best man win.
Sincerely,
Josh Abraham
P.S. What size goggles are you? I can get you a good deal.
April 3, 1958 | Alec Baldwin | bloviator
Dear Senator Baldwin,
Happy 45th Birthday!
In the last twelve elections, I've voted for you as a write-in candidate for every single office from president down to P.T.A. chairman. (You won that one twice!) Also, I campaign for you year round by wearing my jumbo VOTE ALDWIN button at all times, even with formal wear. (I didn't catch the typo until it was too late; I had ten gross made to order. Sorry.)
Now can you fix the dang pothole in front of my house? I've bottomed out on that sucker like ten times already! Get off your big, fat, Hollywood ass and do something, jackass, instead of merely belching hot air into a megaphone all day. Ya big gasbag.
With all due respect,
Josh Abraham
Assistant Director, C.R.E.E.B.
P.S. You're my second-favorite Jack Ryan. You're only half the man Harrison Ford is, but thrice Affleck.
April 3, 1934 | Jane Goodall | primatologist
Dear Gorilla Lady,
Happy 69th Birthday!
Apple good. Pretty apple. Banana. Jojo eat. Sit now. Jojo sit now pretty apple. More Jojo. Sit lady apple birthday. Lady good. Birthday birthday lady. Jojo hungry.
Sincerely,
Jojo
Western lowland gorilla
April 3, 1924 | Marlon Brando | actor
Dear Brando,
Happy 79th Birthday!
More and more each day, you resemble Mt. McKinley.
Fondly,
Josh Abraham
April 2, 1949 | Ron Palillo | horshack
Dear Mr. Palillo,
Happy 54th Birthday!
Ron, I recently underwent a psychological examination, as is routine for applicants to tractor school, and the shrink psyche doctor kept giving me these plastic cards with ink blots on them and asking me what I thought. He called it the Horshack test! Can you believe it? And get this: of the ten blots he showed me, nine of them looked like Gabe Kaplan. The other looked like a bunny.
Happy Birthday, Horshack!
Josh Abraham
P.S. I loved you as the voice of Rubik, the magically sentient Rubik's Cube with a little gremlin face on the Saturday-morning cartoon show, "Rubik, the Amazing Cube." Now there was a show. So colorful! So disturbing! I didn't care much for the spinoff, "Frisbee, the Incredible Flying Disc," voiced by the guy who played Squiggy on "Laverne & Shirley." And that cheap ripoff, "Hula, the Big Fat Hoop," voiced by Dee from "What's Happening," kind of sucked. I suppose that was the beginning of the end for Saturday-morning toy-inspired cartoons. What happened to quality kids' fare, Ron? Today it's all poorly dubbed Japanese imports. It makes me sad to be a grown man watching children's programming.
Sigh.
P.P.S. I didn't get into tractor school.
April 1, 1971 | Method Man | rapper
Dear Meth,
Happy 32nd birthday! And Happy April Fool's Day!
Do you and Redman play pranks on either other? I think a good idea would be to take his gold teeth and replace them with Chicklets. That would be pretty funny. When he tried to put them in, he'd see it was chewing gum. That would be hilarious. He probably wouldn't suspect you either. I mean, why would he when you have those great gold fangs? As long as he didn't shoot anyone, I think this would be a great gag.
Anyway, happy birthday!
Geoff Wolinetz
P.S. I saw your movie "How High." Not good, Danny. Not good.
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