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[ * The good folks at (parenthetical note) are co-hosting Y.P.R.'s daily birthday cards. Be nice, go pay them a visit.
Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us. Enjoy. July 30, 1947 | Arnold Schwarzenegger | hulking mass Dear Mr. Schwarzenegger, Happy 56th Birthday! I'm sorry to hear you decided to not usurp the gubernatorial throne of the Golden State, Arnie. You'd make a fantastic ruler, as evidenced by your leadership qualities displayed so nobly in Conan the Barbarian and, to a lesser extent, Conan the Destroyer. Plus, it'd be nice to see the movie Predator yield not one but two politicians. You and Jesse "the Body" Governor could then beat the shit out of any invading space alien monster hunters with the assistance of the National Guard at your command. That would fucking rock. Besides, I don't think Senator Lundgren is pulling his weight in Washington. We could really use some of your Austrian muscle. Happy Birthday!
You'll be back,
July 29, 1953 | Ken Burns | documentarian Dear Mr. Burns, Happy 50th Birthday! I thoroughly enjoyed you most recent documentary, "Pudding." I watched all 36 hours of it, and then rewound all my videotapes and watched it straight through again! That's like 3 full days of pudding! Hour 11, "The Tapioca Years," was very awesome, even more awesomer than Hour 29, "The Unbearable Lightness of Vanilla." If you ask me, 36 hours of pudding just isn't enough to fully capture how wonderful pudding is. I really wish it were longer. I understand your next series, "Tin Foil" will be 50 hours long. That's the most awesomest thing I can imagine. I can't wait to spend a whole week watching awesome Ken Burns awesomely teaching me about the awesome glory of T I N in its foil form, which is the most awesome of all tin's forms, even more than the can. Fucking awesome, man. In short, Mr. Burns, you rock. Hard. Boringly yours, Josh July 28, 1972 | Elizabeth Berkley | actress Dear Jesse Spano, Happy 31st Birthday! Jesse, what happened? You were the shining star of Bayside High School. You were valedictorian! We all had such high hopes for you after graduation. Not there's anything wrong with being a Showgirl, but... well, it's just that we thought you'd cure cancer or something. I will say this, though: damn, baby, you know how to work that pole. Happy Birthday! A.C. Slater July 24, 1970 | Jennifer Lopez | fly girl Dear J. Lo, Happy 33rd Birthday! I love you soooooooooo much. In fact, you inspired me to adopt a nickname like yours. But for me it wasn't enough. I actually went to the court house and had my name officially changed in homage to you. I think you are so pretty. In fact, if it were up to me, we'd put your face on all currency. If you wanted to break a "J. Lo," you could ask for two "Fly Girls." Stamps too. If you wanted to mail a letter, just lick J. Lo's behind and put it on the envelope. That would be so much fun, licking your ass. Half the public seems to do it already anyway. Happy Birthday! G. Wo P.S. Spike Lee lost the suit with TNN for that whole Spike TV thing, but I think you've got a much better case against JelL-O. Not only does this product clearly seek to capitalize on your name, but it also jiggles like you. July 23, 1989 | Daniel Radcliffe | actor Dear Kid Who Plays "Harry Potter," Happy 14th Birthday! Dude, you're so going to get laid by that chick who plays Hermione! As you grow into young adulthood, you'll find millions of teenage girls throwing themselves at you. Stay clean, enjoy it while it lasts, try not to blow all your cash, otherwise you'll wind up as the security guard who relieves Gary Coleman from his shift. Happy Birthday, Potter! Sincerely, Jerry "the Beav" Mathers P.S. You got like 200 bucks I can borrow? They're gonna repossess my Civic. July 23, 1921 | Calvert DeForest | enigma Dear Mr. DeForest (née Mr. 'Bud' Melman), Happy 81st! I'll never forget the day that I first saw you hold up a sign on the "Late Show With David Letterman." The sign said, "Eat me." And I was truly inspired. And it was on that day that I decided that I was going to be a sign holder. It didn't matter that my parents were wealthy Park Avenue urbanites. It didn't matter that my father was a partner at a successful investment-banking firm. Or that I was educated at Spence, matriculated for four years at Yale University earning a degree in International Affairs, received a law degree from Oxford. None of that mattered. My destiny was to hold a sign. And now I do. Come see me on the corner of 35th St. and 5th Ave. in New York City. I'm the guy with the Subway sign. I'll buy you a sandwich. Eat Fresh! Geoff Wolinetz July 21, 1957 | Jon Lovitz | master thespian Hey Lovitz, Where the hell have you been with that liar guy? He used to crack me up. I remember one time when I was talking to my friend One-Armed Phil. I says, "Phil, remember when Lovitz did the liar guy?" and Phil says, "Yeah, he was a funny little Jewish bastard." And I says, "He sure was. Let's go kick the shit out of some other short Jew" and Phil says, "Cool." Happy Birthday. Geoff Wolinetz July 18, 1967 | Vin Diesel | big dummy Dear Mr. Diesel, Happy 36th Birthday! Two weeks ago, I was shopping for some sneakers downtown and I saw you shopping for jeans and you picked up a pair of Diesel jeans and tried them on and the hot little sales girl with the nose ring was definitely hitting on you and then next thing I know, you're making a scene and waving a pair of Diesel jeans around and screaming, "I'm Vin Diesel! I'm Vin Diesel! These are my jeans! They got my name on 'em!" and the sales girl freaked out and they called security and the media showed up and I don't know how this story ended, but I never got my sneakers. Dude, you're, like, a big movie star. Can't you afford to buy pants instead of trying to scam a free pair? Happy Birthday, man. Best, Josh July 18, 1937 | Hunter S. Thompson | doctor of journalism Dear H.S.T., Happy 67th Tomato, you God-damned lunatic! What? What? More syrup! The bears, the bears! That's not how to tie a Windsor knot, you psychotic rat bastard! En garde! Pavarotti pasta! Eat some more soup. Best fishes on your smurfday,
July 17, 1952 | David Hasselhoff | German sensation Dear David, Happy Birthday and congratulations on still being alive. If it weren't for reality TV stealing your thunder in the name of crap television programming, I believe my prediction of you being stoned to death for your lack of talent would have come to fruition. Lucky for you, my subjects and I now have bigger fish to fry. I do hope you're recovering nicely from your motorcycle accident earlier in the year so that we can reëngage in our feud. Or at the very least, I can berate you again without feeling slightly guilty. On another note, I noticed you have a disproportionately large rib cage. It appears you exchanged rib cages with Kareem Abdul Jabar but without the long legs or arms or torso. It's very strange. I only know this because you walk around with no shirt on in all of your various beach shows. By the way, thanks for discovering Pamela Anderson. And how! Enjoy your ribcage. And your birthday, you Brillo-haired birthday boy. With all due respect despite my intense disbelief at your success, Nick Jezarian July 16, 1963 | Pheobe Cates | actress Dear Pheobe, Happy 40th Birthday! 40 years old? Already? It seems like just yesterday that I watched you emerge from the swimming pool in slow motion, spraying droplets of water as you shake your hair, slowly removing your slinky red bikini top... It seems like just yesterday, but really it was like a week and a half ago that Fast Times was on Showtime. I just lose track of time sometimes. Whole days go by and I can't even remember where I've been or what I've been doing or how this wad of 1500 bucks in singles wound up in my pocket. And where this black eye came from, I have no idea. Happy Birthday, Cates! Fondly,
P.S. Say hi to your husband, Robert Klein. July 15, 1973 | Brian Austin Green | actor July 15, 1972 | Scott Foley | actor July 15, 1963 | Brigette Nielson | big woman July 15, 1961 | Forest Whitaker | ghost dawg July 15, 1960 | Willie Aames | Scott Baio's apprentice July 15, 1956 | Joe Satriani | guitar god July 15, 1951 | Jesse "The Body" Ventura | greco-roman governor July 15, 1950 | Arianna Huffington | irksome pundit Dear Everybody, Happy 30th, 31st, 40th, 42nd, 43rd, 47th, 52nd, and 53rd Birthdays! I'm sorry for the collective birthday card, but I'm running low on stamps, and the cable bill's due. So: Brian: You rocked on "90210." Hope you're still banging Tori, wherever you are. Scott: The Kids in the Hall frighten me just a little bit, because you guys are always wearing dresses, and you seem to really enjoy it. Brigette: Back off, man. Willie: Can I have my Radiohead CD back? You've had it, like, forever, Buddy. Also, I so loved the Powells way more better than the Pembrokes. Joe: You cannot see me, but I'm air-guitaring "Happy Birthday" to you right now. Rock on, J.S., rock on. Jesse: I heard from Jake the Snake. He's ready to get back in the ring with you... the political ring, that is! That's right, next fall, Jesse: You. Jake the Snake. Mano a mano for the title of Senate President Pro Tempore! J "the Body" V vs. J the S! This time, it's personal! Be there! Only on Pay-per-View! Huffs: I had a blast last night. You were sucking down Red Bulls and Vodka like nothing. I think I saw your brassiere in my sink this morning, but I'm not sure if it's yours. Ha, ha, you crazy lush! Well, I guess that about wraps it all up. Happy Birthdays, everybody! Best,
July 14, 1841 | Tommy Mottola | music man Dear Mr. Mottola, Why are you being such a prick? I've been sending you a demo tape on 8-track every single week for a year, and yet still I have no recording contract. Be honest: Do I really suck? Or are you just a prick? I don't think my singing sucks, pal. Happy Birthday. Best,
P.S. Can you at least send me back some of those tapes? 8-track tapes are costly and hard to find, you prick. July 13, 1940 | Patrick Stewart | actor Dear Pat, Happy 63rd Birthday! Yesterday, I went to my local deli that names sandwiches after big movie stars and I order a Patrick Stewart and a knish. The short-order cook said, "We don't name sandwiches after big movie stars around here, pal." Resolute, I demanded a Patrick Stewart and a knish. Again, the guy said they didn't do that type of thing. He offered me pastrami but I said, "No! I want a Patrick Stewart and a knish!" Other customers on line began getting antsy. The cook guy yelled something in a foreign tongue (I believe it was Italian). I said, "Fine, hold the knish." Then he took that long utensil that you use to turn hot dogs on the grill, and he stabbed me in the left shoulder with it. Not only did I bleed all over the place, but also I got a nasty infection from some relish or something on the utensil. My arm really smarts now. Happy Birthday, ya bald bastard! All the best,
July 13, 1957 | Cameron Crowe | journalist, director Dear Cam, Happy 46th Birthday! Dude, you used to be all about the music. You changed, man. Best wishes,
July 13, 1946 | Cheech Marin | professional pothead Dear Mr. Cheech, Ha hahah haha hahahha hahahaha hahhahaha ha. Hah. Hahaaaaaaa. What?
My best to Chong,
July 13, 1942 | Harrison Ford | last action hero Dear Mr. Ford, Calista Flockhart? Really? See ya,
July 12, 1937 | Bill Cosby | pudding pop Dear Dr. Huxtable, Happy 66th Birthday! Cliff, have you seen I Spy, the new flick starring Eddie Murphy as the black half of the black-and-white buddy cops? It sucks so hard. And yet, it was only Eddie Murphy's third-worst flick last year. That's right, he made two whole movies each significantly worse than that piece of cinematic tripe. Showtime? Really, Showtime? The Adventures of Pluto Nash?!? And now what, Daddy Daycare? I remember when Eddie used to be funny and cool. Raw! Delirious! Now, his whole career seems like a judge's sentence of community service for getting caught in the back seat of a Buick with an Asian transsexual hooker. It makes me so distraught I cannot finish my Jell-O Pudding Pop. I think Eddie's string of shitty, shitty movies is a desperate cry for help. What do you think, Cliff? I read your Fatherhood book for inspiration. There was none. And what does your Dad, Panthro, think of Eddie Murphy's descent? Get back to me soon. My pudding pop's melting. Happy Birthday! Your friend, Ray Stillman July 11, 1974 | Kimberly Jones | dirty li'l ho Dear Lil' Kim, Happy 28th Birthday! Kim, I mean you no embarrassment, but I feel the need to inform you when you've made an error. Assuming "Lil" is indeed a truncated form of the word "Little," you are abbreviating incorrectly in the spelling of your chosen stage name. The apostrophe should precede the second L, rather than follow: "Li'l," not "Lil'." You see, the apostrophe is a placeholder to bridge the gap left by the deleted "itt" (not the lopped off silent E). The English language is a maze of rules and exceptions, but with a little time and patience, its rules can be easily understood and followed. Also, your left tit is totally hanging out. Happy birthday! Best regards,
July 10, 1980 | Jessica Simpson | pop songstress Dear Jessica, Happy 23rd Birthday! Which one are you, again? Are you Mandy Moore? I think you're Mandy Moore. Happy Birthday, Mandy. Best wishes,
P.S. You're hot. July 9, 1871 | Courtney Love | hole My dearest Courtney, Happy fucking birthday, bitch! What should we do to celebrate your special day? Shoot some smack, lick an ashtray, roll around in mulch, vomit on a Gwyneth Paltrow and, finally, deficate in public? Sounds good to me, Court! Why should today be any different from your usual daily routine? Hot damn! Best wishes,
P.S. Does this open sore look infected? July 8, 1958 | Kevin Bacon | common denominator Dear Mr. Bacon, Happy 45th Birthday! Kev, we're practically brothers. You see, you starred in Hollow Man with Elisabeth Shue... and I saw that movie! You can fill in the 293 leapfrogs it takes to get from you to me, but, brother, it's like we're cosmically connected that way. The universe is so small! I hated Hollow Man. What a crap movie that was. But, man, Elisabeth Shue was so hot in The Karate Kid, wasn't she? Wow, I was so in love with her back then. She looked so healthy and 80s. Also, Cocktail and Adventures in Babysitting... I loved her so much back then. What happened? I don't even think about her at all anymore. Now I'm sad. Happy birthday, Kev. Best wishes, Josh Abraham
July 3, 1962 | Tom Cruise | actor Dear Thomas, You and Penélope should switch last names. Tom Cruz and Penélope Cruise. Now that's funny. Happy Birthday! Geoff Wolinetz July 2, 1964 | Jose Canseco | baseballer Dear Mr. Canseco, Jose. Jose. Jose. What have you done with yourself? As you celebrate your 39th birthday, I’m sure the last thing you want right now is somebody coming out and preaching to you but you look like you could use some good advice. I’m going to give you a couple of good pieces.
I’m sure there are plenty of occasions that number three can apply to but the one that was your downfall occured in a pizza parlor in NYC. My friend Jeff was, to quote Ice Cube, Drunk as Hell but not throwin’ up. He saw you getting a slice of lasagna and a slice of ham and pineapple (who the hell eats ham and pineapple?). You remember now? Ah yes, all he wanted was your autograph on his slice of pizza. He would have settled for you just taking a bite of his pizza but nooooooooo, you were too big a man. Oh what a big man you are. Little did you know Jeff is a licensed practioner of voodoo. He learned it from the three tape series, Hooked on Voodoo Phonics. It came free when he signed up for the Swedish Chef Culinary Institute that he saw on an infomercial. That very night after he met you, he went home and passed out. Then he woke up and put a curse on you. Now look at you, you’re royally palookaed. Way to screw yourself, Jose. Happy Birthday, you cursed bastid. Regretfully yours, Nick Jezarian July 1, 1967 | Pamela Anderson Lee Rock | tool girl, lifeguard, very important person, toon stripper Dear Pam, Happy 36th!! It has come to my attention that you've broken off your pending engagement to hip-hop rocker and popular recording artist Kid Rock. This is terribly distressing to me. You see, I had you guys in this pool that we run at work. Everyone picks a Hollywood couple at the beginning of the year. This couple should be two people that they think will have the shortest marriage. For instance, my friend Greasy Lou picked Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart. Big Pete picked Ben and J. Lo. Little Pete decided not to play. Anyway, I picked you and the pool is up to $2,000. I'll have no shot if you guys don't patch it up, so I'm offering you a cut of the money. 20% is what I can do. Let me know. Geoff Wolinetz P.S. Nice breasts.
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