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Each and every day, Y.P.R. sends an honest-to-God birthday card to its favorite celebrity. Come, celebrate with us. Enjoy.
January 24, 1968 | Mary Lou Retton | tiny Olympic gymnast Dear ML, Happy 35th birthday! I celebrated this morning by eating a bowl of delicious Wheaties cereal. Mmm! Invigorating! Then I did some somersaults and backflips, which has nothing to do with your birthday -- that's how I start every morning. I pulled a hamstring in my neck though. Has that ever happened to you, Mary Lou? I find the best way to treat such an injury is to soak in a bathtub of ice-cold chicken broth. The cold soothes the muscles, and the chicken soothes the soul. Noodles are optional -- they provide no medicinal value, but they sure are fun to play with! Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday, and let you know I'm thinking of you as I eat my Wheaties. Mmmm! Wheaties!
Olympically, Josh January 24, 1951 | Yakov Smirnoff | émigré comedian Dear comrade, Happy 52nd birthday! Although, I guess for you, it's only your 20th birthday because I know they don't allow individual celebrations or holidays in the Soviet Union. Just one more year and you can drink! Ha, ha, just kidding. Tell me, do you have big birthday plans? Stoli and the kazatzka? Dancing bears? Oh boy! Well, happy birthday, Yakov! Enjoy your freedom!
From Russia with Love, Josh January 24, 1970 | Matthew Lillard | goofball actor Dear Mr. Lillard, Happy 33rd Birthday! I very much enjoyed your movie, "13 Goats." It scared the crap out of me! I think it was very Hitchcockianly clever to make a horror movie about goats and not even show them. The true terror lies in what we IMAGINE is lurking in the dark. Any lesser horror movie would have shown nothing but bloody, gory goats for two hours, settling for the cheap and easy scare tactics. But not this fine film! No way, José. "13 Goats" is a true masterpiece. Keep up the good work.
Josh January 23, 1939 | Sonny Chiba | kung-fu kickin' actor Dear Sonny-san, Happy 64th birthday! If you don't mind me saying so, you are, bar none, the greatest actor working in martial arts movies ever.(Forgive me for quoting "True Romance," but I feel that Christian Slater expresses thoughts better than I ever could. And he and I usually see eye-to-eye on subjects ranging from sports to politics to feng-shui, so I continually find myself deferring to Mr. Slater's words when my own fail me. Have you found this to be true for you? I mean, CS is always so right-on-the-money, no? In fact, the only time he and I ever differed in opinion is on the matter of Young Guns II.) Now, a birthday question for you: In a (hypothetical) seven-way brawl between you, Bruce Lee, Mr. Miyagi, G.I. Joe's Stormshadow, Hong Kong Phooey, General Tzo, and that pansy who invented Tae-Bo, who do you think would win? My money is on you, Sonny. Anyway, I just wanted to say have a karate-kickin', kung-fu grippin', tiger-crouchin', dragon-hidin', judo-choppin', kung-pao birthday. Hi-Ya! Respectfully, Josh Abraham January 22, 1959 | Linda Blair | actress Dear Ms. Blair, Happy 44th birthday! The Exorsist [sic] is the scariest movie I’ve ever seen. It gives me nightmares! And not only at night -- I get them during the day, too, sometimes when I’m standing in line at the bank, or when I’m waiting for meat from the butcher. I call them daymares when they happen during the day. Other people around me sometimes get freaked out when I get daymares, because I’ll start shaking and screaming, and they don't know that I’m having a daymare. They just think I’m a crazy person. Or maybe they think I’m possessed! But then I explain that it was just the Excorsist [sic] scaring the bejesus out of me, and they usually laugh and agree. My question, Linda Blair, is this: I have a "friend" who's a narcoleptic. The poor guy falls asleep all the time. His "doctor" prescribed pills, but they don't work too well. He falls asleep during breakfast, during Must-See TV, during roller-coaster rides. Nothing can keep my "friend" awake! So, Ms. Blair, do you think I should make him watch the Excorcist? [sic] I think nightmares will keep him awake, but I’m afraid repeated viewing might do permanent damage to his psyche. What do you recommend?
Eagerly awaiting your reply, Josh Abraham January 21, 1976 | Emma Bunton | pop singer Dear Baby Spice, Happy Birthday! I really dig short girls in gigantic platform shoes. I've been thinking of moving to Tokyo, because the Japanese are a small people, and from what I've learned watching Anime, Tokyo is nothing but neon lights and funky, cyperpunk fashion. (Also, lots of gigantic radioactive monsters!) If you moved to Japan, you'd probably be their queen! What say ye, Baby Spice? Shall we move together and reign over Japan as king and queen? Let me know. Thanks!
Spicely, Josh Abraham January 20, 1930 | Buzz Aldrin | astronaut Dear Commander Aldrin, Greetings from planet Earth! And happy 72nd birthday! Wow! Do you age faster in space? or slower? The movies I've seen seem to differ in opinion on the subject. Also, is it true that water flushes down the toilet the OPPOSITE way in outer space? So weird! Anyway, all of us Earthlings are wishing you a very merry birthday, Space Commander Buzz! I hope you get back soon, and have nothing but smooth sailing up there in the stars until then. Remember: if you meet any aliens, they might be hostile, even if they claim to "come in peace." Set phasers on stun, Commander.
To infinity, and beyond! Josh Abraham January 16, 1948 | John Carpenter | shlock director Dear John Carpenter, Happy 55th Birthday! On this, John Carpenter's Birthday, I thought I should take the time to let you know that "John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China" is my favorite movie of all time. Of All Time! It's positively the best supernatural kung-fu sci-fi action-adventure fantasy comedy movie ever made. It's got a wrinkly old karate-kickin' guy named Egg, it's got a big ugly orangutan beast, it's got thrills, it's got chills. Plus it stars Kim Cattrall. *Meow!* She's sexy. I'm a sucker for a good sci-fi/horror/action potboiler any day, and "John Carpenter's Ghosts from Mars" and "John Carpenter's Vampires" and "John Carpenter's The Thing" rank among my top twenty, for sure. It's a good thing (no pun intended) that you included the article "the" in the title, because "John Carpenter's Thing" might sound like a porno. Keep up the good work, and have a happy John Carpenter's Birthday.
All the best, Josh Abraham January 15, 1971 | Regina King | actress Dear Regina King, Happy 32nd Birthday! Do you know that in Latin "Regina" means "Queen"? That makes you Queen King, if you are somebody who can speak Latin and English, like the Pope does. Queen King! Are you royalty, perhaps? There's an Internet service that will trace your family's tree back up to 1000 generations. You might be descended from the House of Plantagenet, Queen King. The company only charges US $79.95. Quite a bargain! If you would like me to forward this e-mail to you, please let me know your e-mail address. Happy 32nd, your Highness!
Sincerely, Josh Abraham January 14, 1968 | LL Cool J, | rapper/actor Dear Mr. Cool J, Happy 35th Birthday! Also today is storytelling rapper Slick Rick's 38th birthday. What a raptastic day! Do you guys celebrate together? You should throw a joint bizirthday party. It would be mad phat! I know you represent Queens, LL, but Mr. Rick is from England, so there wouldn't be any East Coast / West Coast fighting or feuding that's sure to sour the bizirthday merriment. I'm a huge fan of your music and your movies and your commercial endorsements. You rock, LL Cool J! And also, I'd like to (belatedly) congratulate you on your Blockbuster Entertainment Award for Best Supporting Actor in an Action Movie. Also, might I add that Deep Blue Sea is, hands-down, the greatest man vs. super-intelligent fish movie ever. Way better than The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Now, a question: What's with the hat? And since you're always wearing one, do you find yourself consistently warmer than those around you? Say, around ten-percent warmer? Please let me know, because it's chilly in New York. Keep up the great work, LL! Thanks, Josh Abraham January 14, 1967 | Kerri Green | actress Dear Ms. Green, “Old fashioned superstitions, I find too hard to break.” - Cyndi Lauper In Ms. Lauper’s all too prophetic words, superstitions are hard to break. This is why on this day (your 36th birthday), I rent the movie “Lucas” and cry myself to sleep in my living room, as I do every year on this day. Your movies were an inspiration to many heterosexual men my age. You provided both fodder for fantasy and sound acting performance, a hard balance to strike. I have not seen you in any movies recently, leading to speculation that you may have retired. I hope this is not true. I look forward to seeing you in the sequel, “L2: Judgement Day” With warm regards, Geoffrey R. Wolinetz January 13, 1972 | Nicole Eggert | actress Dear Nicole, Happy 31st Birthday! I can't afford material presents for all the celebrities who deserve birthday gifts, but what I can offer you is a song: New boy in the neighborhood
Obviously, it loses some impact in transcription. If you'd like to hear me sing this special birthday song for you, please let me know a phone number where I can reach you, and what's a good time to call. Are evenings good? Or perhaps I can sing it for you in person. Again, are evenings good? Or daytime? I'm flexible. My act is even more entertaining live, because I have a rhesus monkey who dances. His name is Jibbles. He loved you in "Blown Away." What can I say, he's a monkey with fine taste. Well, I'll let you go. I'm sure you have a busy birthday ahead of you. All my best to Buddy Lembeck and the Coreys. Happy 31, Eggs!
Sincerely, Josh Abraham P.S. Does anybody call you "Eggs"? I think it's an appropriate, endearing little nickname. If nobody does call you "Eggs," can that be our little thing? January 13, 1934 | Rip Taylor | flamboyant comedian Dear Mr. Taylor, Happy 69th Birthday! Did you know that you and Sir Charles Nelson Reilly share a birthdate? (He's three years your senior.) Do you guys celebrate together? I'd imagine you two could draw quite the crowd if you threw joint birthday parties. Nipsey Russell would be there, Betty White, even Phyllis Diller! Or, as I like to call her, “P. Dilly”... I mean, who wouldn’t come to the double-bill party of Rip Taylor and Doctor Charles Nelson Reilly? It'd be an all-star revue! Hey, you can even bring your own confetti! I’ll bring the balloons and piñata. Olé! Well, if you and Senator Charles Nelson Reilly don't celebrate together, you guys really damn well should. And if you and CNR haven't spoken lately, maybe it's time to pick up a phone, Rip. I'm sure he'd be glad to hear from you.
Sincerely, Josh January 13, 1931 | Charles Nelson Reilly | flamboyant comedian Dear Mr. Reilly, First, allow me to wish you a very merry 72nd birthday. I noticed that you and Rip Taylor (another one of my favorite celebrities) share a birthday. Do you two celebrate together? I think that would be a nice way to commemorate the anniversary of your respective births. I caught your performance in “Save It For The Stage” at the Irish Repertory Theater last March. It was a riveting performance and a genuine pleasure to be in such close quarters with a talent like you. I truly wish that my dear mother, a fervent Match Game show fan and former contestant, could have been there to see it. She’s no longer with us. She moved to Paraguay. I hope that you could respond to me and let me know that you are in good spirits (as you always appear to be!). Any words from you would be a pleasure! With warm regards, Geoffrey R. Wolinetz January 13, 1966 | Patrick Dempsy | actor Dear Mr. Dempsey, “I don’t care too much for money. Money can’t buy me love.” - The Beatles I hope that on this day, your 37th birthday, you have taken this advice to heart. For though the words of the Beatles were written just a little bit before you were conceived, they are as true now as they were then. Money cannot buy love (unless you are in Las Vegas and even then it’s for a short time only). Surely you also know that pizza cannot buy love, as your movie “Loverboy” taught us all. As you can probably tell, I am a huge fan of yours. I hope that this birthday is a happy one for you. To hear back from you would shed some light into the life of this seamstress. Please do not forget to give Penelope Ann Miller a call as well. She turns 39 today. With warm regards, Geoffrey R. Wolinetz January 13, 1943 | Richard Moll | actor Dear Mr. Moll, As president of the Upper West Side, NY, chapter of the Nostradamus “Bull” Shannon fan club, let me wish you a happy 60th birthday on behalf of all of us. We adore you. Many of us, including myself, have shaved our heads bald in an homage to you. We’re always on the look out for Richard Moll sightings as new movies are released. Your appearance in “Scary Movie 2” was a pleasant surprise. We look forward to many more sightings of our number one bailiff. We hope that you could provide us with something to bring to our weekly meetings. We would so love to show up the Harry Anderson Fan Club. With warm regards, Geoffrey R. Wolinetz
January 1, 1969 | Verne Troyer | itty-bitty actor Dear Mini-Me, Happy 34th Birthday! And Happy New Year! I have a present for you, Mini-Me -- a birthday sash. I was shopping at my local sashery, when I saw one that just had you written all over it: off-white, not too wide, nice silky finish... I think I know your taste in sashes pretty well. What size are you? Small, I'm guessing. Well, designer sashes are pretty expensive, so I didn't buy it. But I got you something better -- a handmade sash, crafted with time and effort and love, and made especially for you. It's made from a length of toilet paper (two-ply!), wrapped in a sash-like loop, and fastened with a safety pin. Plus, I've written "2003" in felt-tip pen on the center sash. Now you can be Baby New Year for your birthday! Hazzah! I know you'll love it, Mini-Me. Plus, this is a gift that keeps on giving: I've enclosed loose toilet-paper squares marked "2004," "2005," "2006," et cetera, up until the year "2069." (It took me an hour!) Now, you can update your sash year after year after year until your 100th birthday! No, no, you don't have to get me anything for my birthday. Don't be silly. (I'm an extra-large sash, though...) Happy New Year/Birthday, Mini-me! Hazzah! Reveling, Josh Abraham P.S. You were awesome in "Baby's Day Out"!
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