THINGS I SAY TO VARIOIUS LOVED ONES, COWORKERS, AND STRANGERS WHEN MY AUNT FLO VISITS* BY AMY STENDER Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. Okay? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking cooking for two people when I’m not going to eat. Can you guys just shut UP!? I have a headache. I hate you. If you ever throw money at me again, I’ll shove a knife into your gut while you’re sleeping. I’m not kidding. Do you know how cheap you make me feel when you’re pitching twenty-dollar bills at me? I’ll slap the shit-eating grin right off your ugly face. You want to throw down? C’mon. Let’s go. No, where are you going? Are you chicken? I said come on. I dare you to say that again -- to my face. You’re my problem! You’re just being lazy! I want to go get a Christmas tree and all you want to do is read a stupid magazine. You’re being lazy! I want to decorate a tree and wrap all the presents I’ve bought, some of them for YOU, okay? For YOU. And I want to put those presents under the tree, okay? I don’t want to wait until the last minute when all the good trees are taken. [Crying] If Kyle ever calls after midnight again, I swear I’ll kill him the next time he comes over here, Jason. I’ll fucking kill him. Dude, I want to punch you in the face so hard right now. Well you better start walking, because I sure as shit ain’t driving you all the way over there. Have you looked out the window? What’s all that white shit all over the roads? I’m not driving in that, I don’t care if I’m the only one with four-wheel drive. Just because I have four-wheel drive, that doesn’t make my car an ATV, okay? It’s not a snowmobile, it’s a fuckin’ Honda. *As it turns out, the character of 'Aunt Flo' is a not a parental sibling or sibling-in-law, but a euphemism. Write to Y.P.R. Write for Y.P.R. Right on, Y.P.R.