SCENES FROM "C.S.I.: PODUNK" BY DANIEL BYARD COX Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse. HUCKSLEY I reckon he’s dead all right. Cause o’ death? MUFF Sheriff say shotgun, close range. HUCKSLEY We got an ID? MUFF Collerton’s boy. HUCKSLEY How 'bout evidence? MUFF Just them prints in the snow comin’ and goin’ 'tween here and ol' Larson’s. Hucksley nods and spits tobacco. MUFF And the sheriff said ol' Larson’s shotgun and boots is still settin’ there on his doorstep, where he left 'em 'fore goin’ inside. HUCKSLEY Hmm. That it? MUFF Well, his boots is wet and barrels dirty. And he said he’s glad he killed the bastard. HUCKSLEY We better have us a look-see at ol' Larson then. Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse. HUCKSLEY Dang if he ain’t been shot to hell. MUFF Sorry, pardner, on account o’ ol' Larry here bein’ yer cousin an’ all. HUCKSLEY He’s yer cousin too, ain’t he? MUFF (Furrows his brow) Well, I reckon you’re right. HUCKSLEY So we got ID. What about cause o’ death? MUFF Well, sheriff says it’s all them bullet holes. HUCKSLEY Well the sheriff ain’t no crime-scene expert, now is he? MUFF Well, no, he ain’t, but don’t go havin’ a bee in yer bonnet over it! HUCKSLEY Okay, sorry, pardner, but the Sheriff’s got hisself a mighty strong opinion about what happened to ol' Larry here and I ain’t seein’ it his way. MUFF And what’s the sheriff reckon? HUCKSLEY Well, there’s a lotta accidents in these parts and Larry here’s in his huntin’ shirt... Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim's corpse. MUFF I reckon Mr. Tucker’s been planted? HUCKSLEY Pardon? MUFF (examining the surrounding area) Looks like he was run down by a combine... Tractor marks here, seed spilled there. HUCKSLEY Them’s tire tracks all right. We sure he ain’t been shot though? MUFF Hard to say on account o’ half o’ him bein’ in the dirt. HUCKSLEY We better unplant him them. MUFF Alrighty, but I already got me an idea o’ who done it. HUCKSLEY And how in tarnation you got it figured out already? MUFF (Squats near a tire track and spits tobacco) Well, pardner, these is very smooth tracks, y'see. And I reckon the only John Deere 'round with tires this old is Mr. Leeford’s, over yonder. And ain’t it a coinkydink that Leeford wants Mr. Tucker’s farm. HUCKSLEY That 'n' the fact that Leeford killed Mr. Kunkle last year and stole his back forty. Agents Hucksley & Muff and Sheriff Tillman are standing and drinking coffee outside the storefront police station. HUCKSLEY We got a motive, Sheriff? SHERIFF Say what? HUCKSLEY We got a reason ol' Larson done shot up the Collerton boy? TILLMAN I reckon so. Collerton Junior was fixin’ to take ol' Larson’s daughter to the hoedown tonight. HUCKSLEY Hmm. And we got ol' Larson sayin’ he’s glad he killed the sum’ bitch? TILLMAN Yessir. I followed them snow tracks to ol' Larson’s house. 'Fore I knocked I checked the scatter gun on the doorstep. It was dirty all right. It was also empty so I popped in a few shells... on account o' me owin' him a few loads and me havin' some left over from this mornin’s hunt. Then I went inside for coffee. Him being glad he done it was the first thing he said to me... Then we had us a nice chat about the weather. HUCKSLEY You think he’ll sing to the judge? SHERIFF Well, ol' Larson ain’t the singin’ type. He don’t even hum to hisself or play a blues harp. MUFF Uh, Sheriff, I reckon what my pardner here means is... HUCKSLEY What I’m askin’ is, will ol' Larson tell the part about bein’ glad he done it to the judge in town. TILLMAN Ol' Larson is the judge in town. Silence. TILLMAN He’s a right fair judge though. MUFF Golly, if it ain’t comin’ back to me now: I 'member ol' Judge Larson. He just plain let hisself off last time. Kept hollerin’ 'bout our mistakes at the ‘crime scene’ he called it. ‘Got no evidence permissible in the court o’ law,’ he said. TILLMAN Yep. Ol’ Larson likes using the slick talk and crazy rules he got from his trainin’ with the city folk, them big words and rhymes and all. Write to Y.P.R. Write for Y.P.R. Right on, Y.P.R.