MONKS: Hi, Elizabeth.
SMART: Hi.
MONKS: How are you doing?
SMART: I'm good.
MONKS: You mean 'well.'
SMART: What?
MONKS: It's 'I'm well,' not 'I'm good.' That's the correct way to say it.
SMART: Oh, right. Sorry.
MONKS: No biggie. I'm something of a stickler for proper English.
SMART: Okay.
MONKS: So how have things been?
SMART: Things have been great.
MONKS: Oh yeah, how so?
SMART: Well, it's just good being home with my family and friends.
MONKS: Man, don't I know it. I hate being away from my home and family for a long period of time.
SMART: Yes, it's tough.
MONKS: Especially during football season. Sunday just isn't Sunday when you can't watch football in the comfort of your own home. I love veging out in front of the tube in my sweatpants watching the games. Sometimes I even breakout a Fudgesicle and go wild. You know what I mean?
SMART: Not really.
MONKS: Well, whatever then.
SMART: Okay.
(pause)
MONKS: So, John Ritter. Thoughts? Reflections?
SMART: It was sad that he died.
MONKS: Yes, it was.
SMART: Yep.
MONKS: Anything else?
SMART: About what?
MONKS: John Ritter.
SMART: No.
MONKS: That's it?
SMART: I really never watched any of his shows.
MONKS: You're kidding me?
SMART: No, I'm not.
MONKS: You're fucking kidding me?
SMART: No, I'm not.
MONKS: Whatever.
SMART: Okay.
MONKS: Well, like, my next seven questions were about John Ritter. So now I'm sort of screwed.
SMART: Oh.
MONKS: Thanks.
SMART: Sorry.
MONKS: Whatever.
SMART: I'm really sorry.
MONKS: You think you could just play along and pretend you're a big John Ritter fan?
SMART: You want me to pretend I'm a John Ritter fan?
MONKS: Yeah, I figure I have a better chance selling this interview if I hit two birds with one stone. You know, you and John Ritter.
SMART: Oh, I don't think I can--
MONKS: You remember the episode in "Three's Company" when Jack Tripper brings home a little puppy but Mr. Roper doesn't like dogs so Jack, Chrissy, and Joyce DeWitt's character spend the whole show trying to hide the dog from Mr. Roper?
SMART: No, I don't.
MONKS: I know, but say you do.
SMART: Yes, I remember that show.
MONKS: I don't believe you.
SMART: What?
MONKS: Say you remember the show like you mean it.
SMART: I loved that episode! It was funny.
MONKS: Yes, it was really funny. Ritter was a genius of physical comedy.
SMART: Yes, he was.
MONKS: Really?
SMART: What?
MONKS: You really think he was a genius of physical comedy or are you just playing along?
SMART: I'm just playing along.
MONKS: I thought so. Still, that was pretty good. You had me there for a second.
SMART: Thanks, I guess.
MONKS: No problem. So what do you think about those conjoined twins? Think they'll lead happy lives after their surgery?
SMART: God willing.
MONKS: What's that supposed to mean?
SMART: I mean if it's God's will they'll survive and be happy.
MONKS: Oh.
SMART: I hope they live happily, of course.
MONKS: Yeah, me too.
SMART: Yep.
MONKS: Yep.
(Long pause)
MONKS: Okay, that's it; I'm tapped. Thanks for the interview.
SMART: You're welcome.
MONKS: Best of luck with the rest of your life.
SMART: Thanks.
MONKS: Bye.
SMART: Bye.
MONKS: Oh, before I go, would you sign this veil and gown made from a bed sheet for me?
SMART: No.
MONKS: I made it myself.
SMART: No.
MONKS: I was going to sell it on eBay.
SMART: I'm sorry, I can't.
MONKS: For charity.
SMART: I won't sign them.
MONKS: Okay, no biggie. Thought it was at least worth a shot.
SMART: Whatever.
MONKS: So, bye again.
SMART: Bye again.
*SUBMIT! SUBMIT!.*
*ARCHIVES! ARCHIVES!*
*BEA SHIRT! BEA SHIRT!*
