FALL PREMIÈRE WEEK CONTINUES: R E V I E W S   B Y   A   S T U P I D , B I T T E R   A S S H O L E   W H O J U S T   G O T   F I R E D A N D   H I T   T H E   B O T T L E T H E R E B Y   C A U S I N G   H I S   W I F E T O   L E A V E   H I M , T H U S   F O R C I N G   H I M   T O R E D O U B L E   H IS   D R I N K I N G BY Yankee Pot Roast New Shows: Coupling. More like Crapling! That new show with Luis Guzman: I don't really get "ethnic" humor. I do like salsa, though, so I gave it a shot. The result: muy crappola. Besides, there's too many Spanish people on TV. Who does this guy think he is, Desi Arnaz, Jr.? To hell with Luis Guzman. Two and a 1/2 Men: Just because I didn't see it doesn't mean I don't think it's stupid. What a waste of time for everybody involved, except mine, because I didn't see it. Assholes. Whoopi: More like Crapling! Miss Match: Crap, I vomited all over the sofabed. What do I use to get it out? Seltzer? Everybody says seltzer gets out anything, but I don’t see how the powers of carbonation are gonna get my sofabed reasonably clean. “Miss Match” sucked, by the way The O.C.: Speaking of “Miss Match,” I used to have a gigantic, all-consuming crush on Alicia Silverstone, circa Clueless, but I’m past that now. Now I devote all my lusty dreams toward the chick who plays the next-door-neighbor chick on “The O.C.” The Lyon’s Den: Rob Lowe can suck it. Tru Calling: More like Crapling! Returning Shows: Friends: This show is long past its time to retire. At this point, it's nothing but a second-rate “Coupling,” only with less sexual innuendo. And all those chicks are aging rapidly. Just like my soon-to-be-ex wife, that lousy tramp. How many aspirin can you take without worrying about overdosing? 20? 30? Everybody Loves Raymond: I can think of one person who doesn't. Me! That's right, I do not love Raymond. I love Peter Boyle, Ray’s cantankerous pop. L.A. Law: I missed too many episodes and now I don't understand what's happening here. How did John Goodman become the president? He’s fatter than Taft! Frasier: Cripes, is this show still on?!? That dog that plays Eddie can’t still be alive, can he? It’s probably been replaced by an animatronic puppet by now. Gilmore Girls: Now we’re talkin’. This show rocks. I haven’t actually seen it, but I hear great things from Madison, my 12-year-old niece. And she’s got excellent taste. King of Queens: Haven’t seen this one either, but I do love Zack Morris’s summer fling, Stacy Carosi. Scrubs: Speaking of scrubbing, let me tell you this: Seltzer doesn’t do jack. *SUBMIT! SUBMIT!.* *ARCHIVES! ARCHIVES!* *BEA SHIRT! BEA SHIRT!*