Happy Birthday, Jill Whelan! Dear Jill, Oh man, when I was a little kid, I used to love watching “The Love Boat.” My favorite was during the opening credits when everyone would shill for the camera as their name flashed on the screen. I…
“Kevin Hill” Kevin Hill is a hotshot attorney and a hotshot bachelor, until he inherits a 10-month-old baby girl. As he struggles to adapt his lifestyle in order to take care of Sarah, his law firm starts to cut back…
Happy Birthday, Jeffrey Jones! Dear Jeffrey Jones, By God, you were wonderful in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The role of bumbling, ill-fated Principal Rooney was just marvelous for you. I can’t even conceive of anyone else playing that role now that you’ve done it….
Happy Birthday, Hilary Duff! Dear Hilary, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. I. Hate. You. Happy 17th…
Andrew Vachss, creative factory Y.P.R. 1. Man alive! You crank out creative product like you’re hepped up on speed. What’s your writing schedule or routine look like, and how do you thwart writer’s block? Andrew Vachss I don’t have a schedule, much less…
Ned Vizzini, chill squipster Y.P.R. 1. As the editors of Y.P.R. approach the age of 30, we increasingly find ourselves in fits of white-hot jealousy and berserk outrage when we learn of young success stories. Looking back on your (slightly) younger days, were…
J. T. LeRoy, young Turk Y.P.R. 1. “Terminator”? What kind of a pen name is that? Please explain/defend yourself. J. T. LeRoy I was tricking on the street and it was a name these other boy kids gave me as a joke because it…
Happy Birthday, Avril Lavigne! Dear Avril, Happy 20th Birthday! I totally hope you have the best birthday ever and don’t die! I hope it’s a great day start to finish, and you’re not attacked by rabid dogs or infected with any Third World diseases…
Happy Birthday, Wilford Brimley! Dear Mr. Brimley, Were you ever a young man? With a name like Wilford Brimley, I feel as though you have been an old man since the day you were born. Photographic evidence supports this contention. For crying out loud,…
Why Cheese? byCheese-Fancying Readers of Y.P.R. In our (now antiquated) submissions guidelines, we asked writers to include with their work a list of three reasons why they liked to eat cheese. There was no good reason for asking this—or if there…
Allston’s Favorite Drunk Hi Y.P.R., Just reading your “Dear Y.P.R.” section and came across the letter from Alexis Tirado, titled “Seen and Heard in Boston.” She shows a photo in a deli window and then posts several photos of an “odd pied piper…
Dear Brian, I have been inside the V.I.P. lounge for fifteen minutes now. It is lonely without you. So much noise, so much movement, so many Kangol hats. I have been preparing for this moment for so long, but I…
Who’s Your Momma? from: Robin Slick [Robin81700@aol.com] O.K., since you asked, and I’m so glad you did, I will tell you what I’ve been up to. This summer I went on tour with my rock star kids. There’s a movie made about them…
A Wee Bit Sticky My name is Frankenwurst Von Richter. My friends, of which I regretfully have none at this time, call me simply Frank. It is mainly Haileesh, the attendant at the filling station where I retrieve my sodas—which I dearly love (sodas)—who…
It seems that every time I tell someone I live in the Bronx, they crinkle their brow and make sad puppy dog noises. Let me just grab my little Marcus Dairy milk crate over here and prop myself up, O.K.,…
“All right mom, I’m taking off to go see Travis.” “So then ‘Travis’ would be one of your core friends for whom you have no romantic feelings and to whom you can relate because of shared identification as being homosexual.”…
Patton Oswalt, funny person Y.P.R. 1. Hey, you’re pretty funny dude. Could you tell us a joke? Patton Oswalt Yes! I’m a professional comedian. It’s fun, always having jokes and funny stories to tell. I love making people laugh. Thank you for asking! Mr….
Todd Barry, funny person Y.P.R. 1. Does male pattern baldness directly amplify one’s sarcasm? Todd Barry I was sarcastic long before I saw any signs of M.P.B. Mr. Barry is a standup comedian all over the television set. His Web home is todbarry.com….
Marx and Engles to Spite Today, I received an interesting present. Sitting on my piece of real estate in the biology lab was a hardcover edition of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged.
Kim Needs to Talk from: Kim Bosch [kbosch@uoguelph.ca] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] My dear Y.P.R., Can you give me $48,000 dollars? Canadian dollars? I ask only because I really need the money. You see I would like to try and go to school in N.Y.C….
The Scrolling Book Club Welcome to the Y.P.R. Scrolling Book Club—a forum wherein classical works of literature are presented in linear fashion. The texts of these great books by long-dead authors (surely spinning triple lutzes within their coffins) are now in the public domain…
Zello, Dolly!, or, Three Big Boobs Senator Zell Miller (left), and country singer Dolly Parton. Photo found by Rob Theakston, courtesy of Senator Zell Miller….
My fellow Americans, I implore you to reëlect George W. Bush, unless, of course, you want to get a Raw Deal. Vote George W. Bush for your Commando-in-Chief! John Kerry claims to have spent Christmas in Cambodia . ….
Thank you so much. Thank you. (APPLAUSE.) Thank you, Lorraine Driscoll, for that introduction. What can I say about my wife? She makes us so proud. Miles, pass your sister the milk. (APPLAUSE.) First, let me express the honor I…
1. Dutifully, take the first train out of Penn Station upon first word that the Republicans are in the city. On the train, devour current issues of Harper’s, The New York Times, The Nation, and Mother Jones to bolster your…
I recently read your article, “The Sex Life of Starfish,” and viewed the accompanying video with your photograph on its cover. I found it all most elucidating.
“I Fucked Choire” “It was dark and there were six of us (we five + Choire), some coke, and a 36-pack of Trojans. In the morning nobody could remember what did who …
To see it spelled as he spells it and hear it pronounced as he fancies having it pronounced follows the same logical pattern as pointing to a papaya and saying “fidget.”
Canis latrans Dear Wile E. Coyote: I have noticed that over the years, you have ordered a lot of merchandise from the good people at the Acme corporation. You must’ve spent a lot of money on Acme stuff, trying to catch the…
Stephen Elliott, lover of the electoral process Y.P.R. 1. How’s it going? Stephen Elliott It’s going well. We did a fundraiser last night for MoveOn.org. I organized the reading with Peter Orner and we co-hosted. It was our third event; we’ve been doing them monthly on the…
Andrew Sean Greer, planetary pathfinder Y.P.R. 1. What’s going on? Andrew Sean Greer I am staring at a box of Safeway-brand Grape Nuts rip-off called “Nutty Nuggets” and wondering why I ate that instead of the other cereal I like better, a Safeway-brand Post…
Dan Kennedy, small-talking memoirist Y.P.R. 1. What’s shakin’? Dan Kennedy I’m starting my fourth week back home after a little travel bender in which I think I clocked 35,000 miles in maybe a month’s time and felt like I had found the answers to…
Yearning Sabrina stood before her bathroom mirror for hours methodically brushing her long brown hair, forty-one, forty-two, forty-three, counting each brushstroke, slightly aware that her ritual counting might just might be the first indication of obsessive-compulsive disorder (though she…
Exclusive Gear for Faraway Republicans Visiting Our Liberal Blue City With much exhilaration, Yankee Pot Roast is preparing for the swarms of rightwing conservatives from America’s heartland who will descend upon our liberal, heathen Jew city in just a fortnight. Welcome, O Christian overlords! Enjoy our delicious sidewalk knishes, served…
Neal Pollack, supercharged satirist Y.P.R. 1. How come us Jewish folks are so hairy? I look like Robin Williams and the Wolfman had a kid. Neal Pollack Body hair, as you know, contains your unique “chemical signature,” designed by nature to sexually attract other…
Tom Perrotta, novelist Y.P.R. 1. Which do you prefer (to munch on, not to adorn book covers): Pepperidge Farm Goldfish or chocolate-chip cookies? Tom Perrotta I prefer chocolate chip cookies. They don’t have as many lawyers. Mr. Perrotta is the author of the…
Did you know that at least 700 blood donors are needed daily in the Pittsburgh area to supply the 40-plus local hospitals? Did you know that you can save a life by donating just a small amount of blood? Of…
ED: Tonight, from the Theater of Dionysus in Athens, our special guests: playwright Sophocles; actress Téa Leoni; and the music of KRS-One! Plus, Doc Severinsen and the Theban Orchestra. I’m Ed McMahonides, and now, heeeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny … ! Theme music….
or How I Became a Kabbalist As far back as I can remember I’ve wanted to be Jewish. Walking home from Catholic school, trying to memorize the Hail Mary, I’d pass by the cabstand where all of the kids from…
Also Available at Any New England Truck-Stop Diner subject: Where to buy/order??? Why not include a listing (by ZIP code or city) of what restaurants in one’s area serves Yankee pot roast? I used to have it once a week at Hamburger Hamlet, in Arlington, Virginia, near Reagan…
She was a spry old goose, even with the new hip, which the doctor said that she should rest for a little while before she got back to her normal routine. But Grandma didn’t concern herself with the advice of…
Heinz “Say Something Ketchuppy! II” Contest Entries P.O. Box 5075 Clinton, Iowa 52736-5075 Dear Heinz Ketchup, How’ve you been? It’s been too long. I’m sorry I never replied to your last correspondence. I was real busy for a while, you…
Sticks and stones, There once was a woman, ’twas the night: all bits of poetry I’m responsible for. Me. The muse. Your muse? Perhaps. Have you been cranky lately? Feeling a bit discombobulated, shall we say? Then it’s me for…
Riding the popular coattails of VH1’s other I Love the— shows, there’s a new decade in town: I Love the 90s. Personally, I do love the 90s but it’s too soon to be doing a show about it, don’t you…
So I come home last night and find you’ve commissioned your official nostalgia buffoons to muse about 1999. What the fuck is that? Can I have a moment to breathe here?
Hark! I have returned from my 11-night journey in the Hawaiian Islands and I bring news. Hawaii wasn’t merely brought into the union to make it a nice round 50 states; these islands have some legitimately American qualities to…
Happiness comes in many flavors. Read, and learn: Prozac®: As soon as I got my prescription, I headed straight to my local diner and kicked back one of the tiny tabs with a cup of decaf. “Piece of cheesecake?” asked…
Suzanne Yeagley, McSweeney’s In Search of Pigeon Racers:An Interview withSuzanne Yeagley, Interviewer of People Who Have Interesting or Unusual JobsPotato-chip assembly liners are allowed to eat the chips that are too closely clumped together. Pool lifeguards are likely to do whip-its in the…
Next time on “The Surreal Life” … Mary Lou Retton becomes incensed when the Indian from the Village People leaves the toilet seat up again, but things are in a decidedly sunnier mood on the other end of…
Daniel Robert Epstein, Suicide Girls It’s easy to completely overlook the work of Daniel Robert Epstein; after all, his words are surrounded by lots of naked flesh. Pierced, dyed, shaved, and tattooed naked flesh. SuicideGirls, the online ’zine, is probably what Hef would’ve dreamed up…
Still The tabby cat has spent a week in his master’s easy chair, postureless, glacierlike, mesmerized by the soporific television programming, existing (barely) in a Kafkaesque stupor….
A Message from Franklin Nchita Ogbuewu, Nigeria’s Minister of Tourism Welcome to beautiful Nigeria, land of mountains and plains! Experience Nigeria’s rich culture and rich climate! We have over 250 different peoples speaking different languages and practicing different religions. Can you imagine the how much war we have been having…
9:31 a.m. Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) takes the floor to begin the day’s senate hearings on the outlawing of gay marriage. As Frist approaches the podium, the Republicans are seen fervently chanting in unison, “Bill the Cat! Bill the Cat!”…
That Cat Demo, Pt. III For the third day in a row , the tabby cat sits in his master’s easy chair, postureless, glacierlike. The soporific television programming bores him stupid….
The next time you’re at a party, instead of asking someone, “What do you do?” (over cocktails) or “What’s your major?” (over the keg nozzle), ask your new acquaintance this: “Did you know a kid who crashed through a glass…
JACQUES: Bonjour, Madame. SALLY: Hello, Jacques. Hi, Amélie-Pierre! Look, Connor, it’s Uncle Jacques with your friend Amélie-Pierre! Can you wave, Connor? Connor, Amélie-Pierre, look at all those shovels in the sandbox! Do you want to dig with some shovels? You’re…
Ozzfest The Meadows Music Theater Hartford, Connecticut July 10, 2004 9:23 p.m. Makka Time, 6:23 p.m. GMT The multi-act touring carnival of amoral Western values, (named for the hapless drug-addled singer from the British heavy metal group “Black Sabbath”),…
We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime from: Kent Houseman [kentdman@yahoo.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Hello. Hello, my name is Kent Houseman. This will be the weirdest e-mail you will get in a while. O.K., I read one of your articles. The one talking about the size…
Cat and Dog Watch TV The lethargic cat and simple dog watch a television broadcast of dogs drinking from the toilet. The simple dog’s excitement produces a puddle of drool. The cat laments letting the dog choose the television program….
Zeke Hurston Hard-working third baseman who played twenty-two seasons in the Monks Baseball Association. Hit three homers in the deciding game of the MBA World Championship in Season 12. Is the all-time leader in doubles and base on balls. Died…
Look, I’m not sorry it happened. I mean, why regret something that was beyond my control? I’m not God. I’m not some superhuman being who can reverse events with one blink of my overtly rendered, racially questionable eyes. It was…
A Public Apology from The New York Post Dear Post Readers, Like all FOX endeavors, we rely on speed over accuracy and hope that you, the reading public of New York, accept this tradeoff and the mostly minor errors that occur as a result. Longtime readers know that…
I was in the lingerie section, fingering the goods. I plunged my hands into a pile of panties, the silk, the silk, the silk… A sales woman in a fuscia cashmere sweater stared. She kept her eyes on my face…
Respite and Nepenthe from Thy Urinary Banter I can pee and pee and pee. Pee-pee never stops, never never stops. The water hose connected to my base provides this constant flow of faux urea, and all day I feel…
Maybe it’s a bridge you haven’t quite come to yet and you’re still waiting to cross it. But now that it’s been mentioned, you just can’t quit thinking about it. What kind of bridge is it? Is it steel or…
Dear Mr. Raimi, Last evening, I attended a midnight screening of the première of Spider-Man 2. I arrived at the theater full of optimistic glee and peanut M&Ms. Three minutes into the film, both were expended. Sam, I won’t sugarcoat…
Citibank 100 Citibank Drive P.O. Box 769004 San Antonio, TX, 78245-9004 June 29, 2004 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, We have received and processed your application for a home equity loan. At this time, we’re unable to extend a loan to you…
Oh, What a Fortnight! Sorry, ladies: 1/3 of Yankee Pot Roast’s council of editorial elders is now off the market. As the tin cans clank down the street in the wake of Nick and Wendy’s limousine, Y.P.R. reflects upon what it has missed in…
? from: Gene Morgan [genemorgan@mac.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Y.P.R., more like stupid-P.R. Hey, POT ROAST! What the hell do you think you are doing? You think you’re better than me, huh? Prick. We’ll just see about that. I have all…
Happy Birthday, Neil Patrick Harris! Dear Doogie Howser, M.D., Happy 31st Birthday! I have all of your episodes on tape. I’ve edited out all of the commercials and credits, so if you watch now, it’s just one long episode. Sometimes I can sit for hours…
: Happy birthday, Mary-Kate! : I’m Ashley, you stupid head. : Wait, I thought I was Ashley! : You dyed your hair brown to tell us apart. : Oh yeah, I forgot! See, when I look at you, I…
Seen and Heard in Boston … subject: Seen & Heard in Boston … Hey Y.P.R. Staff: I’m nervous about writing this since my grammar is all fucked up. I’m too lazy to read The Elements of Style for this e-mail! I just wanted to…
Happy Birthday, Joe Montana! Dear Joe, O.K., here’s the deal: You’ve got the ball. It’s 4th and 4. There’s less than a minute left in the game. You’re down by a field goal. You haven’t been able to move the ball with the run…
Happy Birthday, Gina Gershon! Dear Gina, You’re my favorite actress-turned-rock star, even though you aren’t as popular as some other actress-turned-rock stars who won’t even read my letters. I mean, I’m not offended or anything that someone became way too busy to read my…
A city apartment. A child. Morning. Samuel Beckett, sitting on a low stool, is staring out of the window. He holds his head in both hands, sighing. He gets up, stretches, blinks, sits again. In the centre of the room…
Happy Birthday, Dick Vitale! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEY Dickie V., Happy Birthday, you glass-eyed wonder. You’re scintillating in your old age. I worry though, you’re a PTPer but your level of stress might be the death of you. You’re crazy with a capital C. And your name…
A quirky yet believable character was presented in such a way as to garner sympathy and interest from readers. The character lived in a world familiar to his or her audience, under conditions not unlike their own. This character was…
The Board of Directors Morningside East Co-op Apartments 100th & Manhattan Avenue Dear Members of the Board, I first met Dana Dallard last year at this shitty dive on the Lower East Side after our set. Man, I was so…
Happy Birthday, Marquis de Sade! Dear Marquis, Happy 264th Birthday, you swishy pervert! You rock! You’re one of the best Marquis ever! Better even than Markie Post! She was so crazy on “Night Court.” Christine Sullivan: defense attorney, Anglophile, bitter foil to John Larroquette’s Dan…
The clamor for hundreds of millions of big-name marketer shekels has begun between the advertising industry and the various television networks. Who will come out the winner in this game of chance? This intrepid reporter believes that the television viewer…
Happy Birthday, Heidi Klum! Dear Heidi, I think you are the second most beautiful woman alive! You are right behind Jennifer Connelly and right ahead of Star Jones on the list that I keep thumbtacked to the wall in my basement workroom. I keep…
Dear Ms. Bernhard, Remember when Slavenka Drakulić’s Divine Hunger played in New York for a week, to near full houses at a theatre below 14th Street? The night I went, I was in the second row. After taking out my…
As a child, Memorial Day never held much meaning for me. I simply remembered it as a day when my father would wake at the crack of dawn and head down to the garage to dig through the mounds of…
James Lipton (Almost), “Inside the Actors’ Studio” [Emphasis is ours.] Date: Fri, 21 May 2004 12:27:40 -0400 From: “James Lipton” xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx.edu To: “Geoff Wolinetz” geoff@yankeepotroast.org Subject: Re: “Interviews with Interviewers” Mr. Lipton has asked me to write on his behalf. He regrets he cannot participate in…
Happy Birthday, Adam Carolla! Dear Carolla, Good gravy, Carolla! You’ve done it. The stamp of Adam Carolla genius is all over the place. You’ve got the gig with Kimmel. You’ve got the “Loveline” radio show on MTV. You’ve got the residuals flying in from…
Robert Birnbaum, Identity Theory Robert Birnbaum’s résumé looks something like this: nightclub manager, short-order cook, shoe salesman, medical secretary, teacher, adman, cabbie, journalist, publisher, photographer, blogger, interviewer. Mr. Birnbaum’s digital home is Identity Theory (a literary Web site, sort of), which hosts his…
Andrew Krucoff, Gothamist Andrew Krucoff is something like the Best Supporting Actor (Musical or Comedy) for the two New Yorkiest Web sites out there: at Gawker he sifts through the city’s stats and facts and processes the raw data into shiny, colorful, easy-to-read…
A. J. Daulerio, The Black Table If you’re looking for creative journalism, interesting stories with an odd twist, coverage of the offbeat, the alternative, the cool, the weird, the important, the unimportant, the awesome, chances are you’ve landed at The Black Table. While there, you’ve likely…
Claire Zulkey, Zulkey.com If you frequent any Web sites with words in them, there’s an 85% chance you’ve read the fiction or journalism of Claire Zulkey (and laughed, too). If you’ve visited her Web site, Zulkey.com (the only site which employs a kangaroo…
“People don’t know this about me, but I’ve changed since I moved out here to L.A., to Newport Beach. I’ve become a writer, thanks to my mom. I’ll sometimes spend hours just writing, writing, writing. I’ll be at the…
Requiem for the Gay Divorcé: Tony Randall, 1920-2004 An Obituary for a Thespian, Compiled Entirely from Information Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Leonard Rosenberg was born February 26, 1920 and he eventually grew to be five feet, eight inches tall, or 1.73…
Happy Birthday, Tina Fey! Dear T, Happy 34th Birthday! Gosh, Tina, the thing I’m gonna miss most about “S.N.L.” is our “Weekend Update” rehearsals together. Every week, you’d school me in current events, when I’d stroll in to 30 Rock, cutely six hours late,…
GSN (Game Show Network) Attn: Consumer Affairs 2150 Colorado Avenue Santa Monica, CA 90404 Dear Game Show Network, Congratulations on your recent name change from the far too verbose Game Show Network to the wonderfully pithy GSN. Hopefully, this altered…
Grizzly bears are like dolphins: Neither lives in the desert. And also, they both eat fish, except that bears eat big salmon, and dolphins eat little salmon. There are flowers in the world that, if smelled, will kill you. In…
Happy Birthday, Bob Saget! Dear Bob, Happy 48th Birthday! It’s been too long since we’ve hung out, Bobby. I know you’re a busy man, what with work and family, etc., and I’ve been pretty busy too—my career as an advertising spokesman is really heating…
He was a perfect gentleman. I won’t pretend that I was anything more than a naïve, semi-talented literary canon maker who had come to the esteemed professor and critic for some professional guidance. We met at Blasambe, the hip uptown…
So, you think Superman is cool, huh? Well guess what? Superman ain’t shit. Come on. I can see it in your eyes. You think Superman is the baby’s rattle because he has his own comic books, his own movies, and…
Welcome to Charles and The Verb, every weekday from four to seven on 1220 AM, WLIT — All Literature All the Time. [Sparkling music plays.] —Greetings everyone. I am Charles Creighton and my partner is Mathew “The Verb” Vroman. How…
At the first gesture of morning, the servants began stirring. So came George to one more day in Alabama. Sitting up in his bed, he picked up the letter from Laura, and read it one more time: My love, where…
Al fell a lot. Trip, thump! He’d trip on pretty much anything. One time he tripped on a jumbo paper clip and fell down eighteen flights of stairs. Betty on 12 saw him roll by and said, “That’s gotta be…
Happy Birthday, Pat Summerall! Dear Pat, It must be a really happy birthday for you. I heard you got a new liver, which is cool. I, too, am the recent recipient of an organ transplant. I just got a new colon. I think it’s…
Johnny Cash Died for Your Sins He dressed like a villain, all in black. Some say he was Liberace’s evil twin. And some might say he catered to criminals, way he played for them at that Tennessee prison. Thieves,…
& Josh Abraham Double Issue If it seems like I’m behaving rashly, Well, there really is a simple reason: It’s because that Mary-Kate and Ashley Will be eighteen years before next season! In just a month I’ll say, “Good-bye, jailbait!…
“… When you boys go back out on the court, I want you to remember this: you’re not playing for yourselves. You’re playing for the team. I don’t care who makes the basket as long as he’s wearing…
Last night’s become a blur it seems Riddled with odd and crazy dreams Singing songs with Shirley Jones Tom Hanks and I ate ice cream cones Fat guy dancing with Chris Farley Smoking ganja with Bob Marley Johnny Carson’s…
When Mr. Morgenthau asked me to say a few word at this groundbreaking ceremony, the first thing that went through my mind was, “Is he KID-ding?” [Hold for laughter] After all, I don’t have any children of my own. As…
Dear crazy Ms. Truss, Jeepers, lady, have you gone totally bonkers? On page 172 of Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, your chipper, chirpy handbook for the pathologically meticulous, you recommend punctuating as follows: 4 Though it…
Happy Birthday, William Shakespeare! Dear Will, Happy 440th Birthday! Will, I’d like to thank you for writing The Taming of the Shrew. I’ve never read it, but I understand it was the springboard for the hit 1999 teen romantic comedy, 10 Things I Hate…
Dear Penthouse Forum Dear Penthouse Forum, Oh, I love them Neo-Conservatives. Oh, yes. I love them. Crazy right-wing chicks. Nothing lights my fire like a girl who digs smaller government. They drive me mad. Republican. Oh, say it. Re-pub-lic-an. The word is red…
Happy Birthday, Charlotte Rae! My sweet Charlotte, Sometimes I dream where all the people dance. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Sometimes. Sometimes I dream the sounds all stay the same. Sometimes I’m dreaming there are so many different names. Sometimes I dream, Charlotte. Some times….
I Do Something Terrible Say there’s a crowd. Say it! An enormous crowd. Say you are a member of that crowd, and you are obscuring completely the sidewalks beneath my hotel balcony. You are singing! Say I turn to the…
Speed Reader From TimeOut New York, April 22–29, 2004”Speed Reader” by Matthew ShepatinFeaturing an embarrassing picture of your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham (photographed and published without his knowledge), reading aloud his piece, ‘Who’s the Pop-Diva Queen Now, Bitch?’ by Christina Aguilera, with…
Dave Chappelle: The Grand Impostor Dave Chappelle’s “Chappelle’s Show” on Comedy Central is a slaphappy sketch-comedy/variety show that manages to be “racy” and “edgy” (whatever that means, anymore) without ever losing the easy, just-folks sensibilities of vaudeville. The jokes are loud, broad, and obvious, but…
Some Things Remain Impossible, Despite the Heart’s Will from: Lonnie Futrill to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Need your help. Am having Italian painting put in my home and need to have a sentence translated into Italian calligraphy. Can you help me please? The sentence is: “Nothing is impossible where…
Happy Birthday, Carmen Electra! Dear Carm, Lady, you and your ghoulish groom are really creeping me out. Please stop being freaky on my television. I don’t like having to wash the TV set every night. Thank you. Sincerely, Josh…
Preface:“Hipster” is a word holy to some, yet bandied about by many who view it as a kiddy-club; joinable by any post-undergraduate, Lower East Side-moving gadfly with greasy hair and a Puma jumpsuit. This Treatise seeks to clarify and define…
Happy Birthday, Suge Knight! Dear Suge, Can you believe that until my grandmother recently corrected me, I’d been mispronouncing your name as its spelling suggests: “Sooge.” You see, I’m not “down” with the “hip-hop” community, and I don’t watch the MTV, or go to…
“Hit Me with Your Best Shot” (Recorded in the shower, June 5, 2000, 8:00 a.m.)This was my first foray into the art of taping myself singing, and as you can tell by the audio quality it’s not up to…
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin’ Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas…
One Viewer Takes a Bite out of the Food Network “30 Minute Meals” with Rachael Ray For a long time, watching Rachael Ray cook delicious and healthy meals in under thirty minutes made me sad. She’d things like, “My niece…
This week’s column reviews new CDs by the bands Acid Raindrops, Figgy Pudding, Nitrous Oxide and Operation Freedom. The Acid Raindrops are back after last year’s Good Humor Got Killed announced a strong new presence in music. Just released is…
Since the 1959 invention of pantyhose, this single-garment combination of underpants and stockings has been mentioned time and again in the decisions of American appellate courts. Here are the highlights: In trademark dispute, pantyhose and tights not equivalent because pantyhose…
Most Logical Answer Yet from: Rob Theakston [busymofo@yahoo.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Don’t know if anyone answered yet. The ‘P’ in Alex P. Keaton stands for Peace. Elise and Steven were both hippies in the sixties. There was one episode where they had a…
Happy Birthday, Pete Rose! Dear Pete, First, you say you didn’t bet on baseball. Then, you say you bet on baseball but not your team. Now you say you bet on baseball but never against your team. I only have one question for you:…
I’ve been working on it on and off for the last fifteen years. It will serve as an homage to every zombie movie ever made, yet it will be a completely original piece of cinema, conspicuously free of any derivative material.
Let’s call a truce. Seriously. I’ll start this feel-good session. On behalf of everyone who has abused the fashizzle kanizzle rapunzeldizzle-esque lingua franca, I apologize. The abuse has become excessive and chaotic in its reach and addictive qualities. I felt…
We won’t be eating for hours. I know you said this before—but I thought you were kidding around. What kind of holiday is this? You said, “Jews love to eat!” I don’t get it. I thought I was going…
A Random-Sampling Poll Conducted by Telephone Wow, good question. Interesting. I never really thought about this, although I probably should have… [Long pause.] I think I’m going to go with Kerry. I hate being put on the spot like…
The Intricacies of Daylight Saving Time Silly Season, a.k.a. Daylight Saving Time (DST), is upon us yet again. Residents of the European Union switch to Summer Time at 1:00 a.m. on the last Sunday in March, and all time…
Happy Birthday, Gabe Kaplan! Dear Mr. Kot-tah, Happy 58th Birthday! Welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back… Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. I know there’s more words to that song, but I’ll be damned if I know them. It’s a darn catchy…
Happy Birthday, Ian Ziering! Dear Ian Z, Happy happy birthday birthday. Ian Zing Zing, I can’t believe you’re 40 today! Just like that—Poof! It seems like just yesterday you were in high school. Whatever happened after you graduated? Did you stick around in your…
When you meet a man remember: Always smile. It takes more work to frown than it does to smile. You have to use more facial muscles. It’s true. I read it in a magazine at Doctor Klein’s office. And you…
People always ask me what I would do if I had a million dollars. I don’t know why people always ask me this. Probably because I owe them around that much, I’d guess.
Fact-Checking The Village Voice On March 24th, 2004, the “alternative” newsweekly The Village Voice (a.k.a. “New York’s freest newspaper”) ran an item in Cynthia Cotts’s “Press Clips” column that caught the collective eye of this humble journal (thanks to the pathological clicking of the…
Believe It or Not, He’s Really an Attorney subject: The spelling bee story sucks and fat naked guys in the gym [Y.P.R. edits & commentary in red.] Dear Yankee-Pot Roast Crew: I visited your sight site again today in hopes of some sort of redemption. Just as like…
Imitations of Anonymity (2nd Item) From The Village Voice, March 24-30, 2004: “Press Clips” by Cynthia Cotts California, Ho! Once parochial, The New Yorker has discovered that more people read its pages on the West Coast One of the most famous New Yorker covers of…
Courtney Love Has Come Undone Miss Courtney Love is having a wild week! Help put this downwardly spiralling demimondaine back together! Make this Hole lady whole! [This feature requires Java. If you see a Courtney Love-less gray box above, then your computer is likely…
Slippery Pete’s Port o’ Call Slippery Pete’s Port o’ CallThe Leader in DOCKYARD & PORTAGE entertainment since 1974! We’ve got over 500 piping-hot videos of DOCKERS, DOCKSMEN, DOCKHANDS, DOCK-WALLOPERS, and DOCKMASTERS! We’ve got big, burly JACKS loading and unloading WET VESSELS in coastal PORTS OF…
Dear Nesquik (née Nestlé Quik), I’ve been drinking your chocolatey-flavored milk since before I was even born. Of all liquids on the planet, your chocolatey-flavored milk is my favorite, surpassing even soapy water, turpentine, or Colt 45. I’ve won numerous Nestlé Quik-chugging contests …
St. Pat’s Facts Hexadecimal Shades of Green #009900 Hunter #339900 Jade #33cc00 Kelly #339933 Emerald #66ff33 Lime #99ff99 Sea #99cc00 Pea #99ff00 Chartreuse #663300 Mean Joe Vital Stats for Kathy Ireland Height: 5’ 11” (1.80 m) Measurements: 34B-24-34 Shoe size: 8 Role in…
Critics are up in arms over Mel Gibson’s next film, declaring that the director’s anti-Semitic bias fuels his German-language epic, The Passion of the Führer. Gibson maintains that his picture, chronicling the last 12 hours in the life of the…
(“Curriculum of Lies”) Objective: To obtain and secure a book deal, like Jayson Blair (liar and author of Burning Down My Masters’ House), and have my life story made into a feature film, like Stephen Glass (liar and subject of…
Thank you! Wow, this is so unexpected. Thank you very much! Oh my god, I’m so nervous! Let me catch my breath here for a sec … Whew! O.K., much better. Now before I thank everyone who made…
Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim’s corpse. HUCKSLEYI reckon he’s dead all right. Cause o’ death? MUFFSheriff say shotgun, close range. HUCKSLEYWe got an ID? MUFFCollerton’s boy. HUCKSLEYHow ’bout evidence? MUFFJust them prints in the snow…
BACKGROUND While effects of modern political discourse on the marketplace of ideas has been thoroughly examined, the question of the effect of discourse on the marketplace for shoes has been grossly neglected in the field. The market for footwear has…
To Mature Adam C/O No Longer Lonely Personals 2004 The Long Drive Sydney NSW 2000 Dear Sir: Your questions are not in the least offensive, my dearest Sir! I am a mature woman, a bold, thinking woman and I am…
I’m tired of telling the story. Nothing happened. It’s just a little bruised. A couple stitches. I fainted in my bathroom over the weekend. I slipped on the ice cleaning off my car. My scarf tripped me into a…
Dear Ms. Theys: Thank you for your most interesting and entertaining application for the position of magician’s assistant. I am sorry to say that we are unable to offer you the job because—how else can we say it?—you are…
This week’s guide to current cinematic releases and their appropriateness for children under the age of 17. Turn Back the Clock Marvin (Jerry Stiller) and Harriet (Kathy Bates) are husband and wife in this idiotic romantic comedy about regaining lost…
I’ve done what I can to transform my suburban yard into an environment that I truly enjoy, and at the same time keep up standards for my neighbors. And though I get some funny looks from the nabes and even…
The Passion of the Christ: Official Merchandising HQ The Passion of the ChristOfficial Home Crucifiction Playset ® $24.95, by Mattel. 2 AA batteries and some assembly requiredRecommended for ages 8+ That’s right, now you can RELIVE THE PASSION in your very own backyard with the Officially Licensed…
Dear Outback Steakhouse, I believe you owe me something in the neighborhood of 85 bucks for the three days in August of 1997 that I served as a waiter-in-training in one of your fine establishments. A scuffle regarding the unapproved…
I ♥ Scrushy subject: HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, Jason’s ditzy spouse, Shannon. Do ypu have pix of the herveys is all this true or just funny it would be very funny i hope some is true Thanx Sean Tariel…
Capricorn Rising subject: Your Web site I happened to come across your page and read much of what you had to say. I think you are a very mean-spirited person. What you have thrown out to various people will have a way…
Look: Every stupid one of us possesses within his or her bowels a good story. It’s lurking somewhere inside, in the guts, in the belly, safely hidden by all that bone and meat. Lurking. What you’ve got to do is…
[Um … this is a spoiler warning.] Title: The da Vinci Code Author: Dan Brown Logline: It’s The Name of the Rose meets Thomas Crown Affair meets Scooby-Doo! Synopsis: The book is just stupid popular, so consider…
The Old Man and the Piece of Rye Toast by Barney Hemingway Santiago Jr. leads the simple life of a Florida retiree: He spends his days searching for the perfect piece of toast. Among the breakfast establishments of south Florida,…
Dear Mr. Donald Rumsfeld, You are reputed to be a man who is creative with words, and you are some kind of honcho in the United States, and as such I hope you can help me. Recently I received an…
Mushrooms, Mushrooms, Mushrooms. All day. How do I write so good, you ask, my little inanimate object into whom I will breathe life? By tripping out of my gourd. Woo hoooo. Beluga, beluga, screamed the painted stick. Focus, Tom, Focus….
Happy Birthday, Abe Vigoda! Dear Fish, Happy Birthday, you decrepit old codger! 83 years and not dead yet! Nosiree, Bob! All alive and accounted for here! Vigoda = not dead! Sure, you may look and smell like a week-old ham hock, but you are…
Dear Mr. Wolinetz, Thank you for your recent submission to The New Yorker. We receive a tremendous amount of submissions, as you know, and we do appreciate your patience. However, at this time, I am afraid we are unable to accept your fiction submission entitled “Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It: A Mystery.” …
This weekend I was at a BBQ, the kind of scene where all the guests are seated around a patio secretly wondering, “Isn’t there somewhere better I should be?” Anyway, I arrived later than most (O.K., dead last, by several…
Note: Thanks to recent breakthroughs in the decoding of porpoise and dolphin communication, marine biologists have been deciphering the language of that other grand mammal of the sea, the whale. One of the first stories to emerge from the briny…
Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley! Dear Charles, The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were…
As a young girl growing up, a wedding was the stuff of which dreams were made. Starting from the Once Upon a Time straight through to the Happily Ever After, it was near impossible to separate yourself from Cinderella, Snow…
Life is just one crushing disappointment after another until finally, you find yourself lying on a bed of other people’s money, completely naked, drunk as a skunk off of a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch that you swiped from Vonnegut’s liquor cabinet.
Dear Graydon, Hey-ho! All the best of the New Year from the Winnipeg Carters to the New York-via-Ottawa branch of our glorious and widespread clan. Today, as long promised, I am delighted to be able to float a small piece…
‘Snotwatch’ by Heidi J. Rejoice! Behave! Be Strong and Play Fair! A Call for a New Era of Being Nice to Everybody, and a Schoolyard That Will Support It By Heidi J. Ms. Weisenstock’s Third-Grade Class Discussed: Name-Calling, Sticks & Stones, Allergies, Cootie Shots,…
Happy Birthday, Paris Hilton! Dear Paris, In just a few months, all of America watched you engage in coitus & cellular telecommunication; you’ve made an ass of yourself and got away scot-free on a reality TV show; you’ve proposed a retarded book for somebody…
Featuring: Bill Gates & Martha Stewart! Pat Robertson & Shirley MacLaine, et al. …! Michael Eisner & Minnie Mouse …? Stephen King & Condoleezza Rice …!
If you find yourself without a sweetie this St. Valentine’s Day, there are still plenty of ways to cope with the wretched despair of solitude! Make up a fake life experience in your head with a celebrity! For example, let’s…
Happy Birthday, Peter Gabriel! Dear Peter, Oooooooooh in your eyes! (The light, the heat!) Your eyes! (I am complete!) Your eyes! I see the doorways (your eyes) to a thousand churches (your eyes) … etc. You know, Cusack does that outside Ione Skye’s window,…
Food Network 1180 Sixth Avenue New York, NY 10036 Attn: Consumer Relations Department February 12, 2004 Dear Food Network, On February 8, 2004, after watching Bobby Flay and portly gentleman strap the feedbag onto a rather hungry group of fireman…
Featuring: Saddam Hussein & Sandra Day O’Connor! Sylvester Stallone & Meryl Streep! Laura Bush & Kim Jong-Il! Arnold Schwarzenegger & Hillary Clinton! Pope John Paul II & Anna Nicole Smith!
Happy Birthday, Judy Blume! Judy, Judy, Judy! Happy 66th Birthday! Judy, I reread T.O.A.F.G.N. every day. The scene where Fudge colors in the map that Peter worked so hard on makes me weep openly. It worries my boss that I’m so eager to cry…
Dear Editor, I hesitate to bother you about this, since your writer’s guidelines are very clear on the point of follow-up emails, but those same guidelines also specify a two-month response time, and it’s now been five months since I…
In an effort to boost sagging sales, famed New York eatery the Carnegie Deli—home of the mile high pastrami on rye—is taking a new tack. To appeal to the appetites of the hoards of hungry literati prowling midtown Manhattan, they’ve…
Happy Birthday, George Stephanopoulos! Dear Georgie, Happy 43rd Birthday! You did such good work with Clinton. You turned a ruddy-faced hick from Arkansas who got blowjobs on the side into a ruddy-faced President who got blowjobs on the side! I heard you are married…
The way I see it is, everybody has a Mother. So that’s something I make sure is in every story I write: a Mother. Another thing is that everybody is, at some point in his or her life, an only…
According to the recent yawnfest-slash-impromptu-Q&A with Bush 43, he “slept through” the recent breast-baring Janet Jackson high jinks. Given that the whole country is talking about Miss Jackson (does she refer to herself as “Miss Jackson,” as she’s so nasty…
Turn Your Head Away from the Camera and Just Screw by Henry James The video held us, around the monitor, sufficiently breathless, except for the way too obvious remark that “everything was very green”, as the video of a young…
Write a poem that is only seven words long. Your girlfriend is a freak-ass. Dump her.** hyphenate = 1 word Choose something you associate with your cutie (the color blue, the letter X). Go for a walk and notice everything…
Yeah, Right—“Wardrobe Failure.” I’m Sure. by Janet Jackson’s Jealous Left Nipple ( o Y o ) \ Goddamn it! She’s always stealing my thunder! I swear, she’s so totally Paris to my Nicky. I hate her!!!! Whatevs. I’m the pretty one, anyway….
Dear Editor: As is the case with God, I’ll address you by your title. When I learned that you were putting out a magazine called Failure, I thought that I had finally found my niche. I read your manifesto with…
Happy Birthday, Tallulah Willis! Dear Tallulah, Happy 10th birthday! Ten years old! I hope you’re not getting too old for bedtime stories! Because I can’t sleep if you don’t read to me. Hey, I’m sorry I covered your eyes during halftime, but you were…
First off, I’ve been wanting to be an Apprentice for so long, I can feel my cheeks between my teeth. Where I come from, that means I’m jonesing to be an Apprentice, bad. I’ve always considered Donald Trump a not-so-close…
Happy Birthday, Big Boi Dear Big Boi, 29 years old? Who’s a big boy now? Happy birthday! Hey ya, Yankee Pot Roast www.yankeepotroast.org P.S. I like the way you move. P.P.S. Not in that way….
Let’s Go Hoboken! If Mr. Geoff Wolinetz can’t find anything good about Houston, Boston, the airlines, etc., maybe he ought to try Hoboken or Lower Slobovia or crawl back into his hole in the ground where he probably would feel more at home….
As you all know, the 2004 flu season is one of the most highly anticipated in recent years. I recently spent an afternoon with my doctor, a dozen of his sharpest needles, and tried all the latest vaccines. Let’s start…
Friday, January 30 3:56 p.m. I’m sitting in the airport waiting for my flight to board. Sitting across from me is a man reading a book entitled The Lighter Side of Rectal Surgery. I’m unable to determine whether this is…
Week in, week out, when a problem calls for battle-dress expertise, my buddies come, cap in hand, whining to yours truly. You’d think its something that 21st Century hippolatas would have a handle on by now—some of these things have…
Happy Birthdays, Oprah & Tom Selleck! Dear Oprah & Magnum, Happy 50th & 59th Birthdays! Seriously, you guys have my two favorite moustaches in Hollywood. Happy birthday! Best wishes, Josh…
The DeVito Code “Off the record, on the Q.T., and very hush-hush.” Sid Hudgens, L.A. Confidential “There’s nothing you can get from a book that you can’t get from a television faster.” Harry Wormwood, Matilda “You don’t really think you’ll win ….
Happy Birthday, Elijah Wood! Dear Frodo, Happy 23rd birthday! Wow, how ’bout that ending to Return of the King, eh? That was really something, the way we pranced about the bedsheets in slo-mo. Good times, man, good times. And remember on the mountainside when…
The supermarket’s called Freshboy Slim’s. Today’s special is used grapes. A bird flies in and everybody goes nuts. A guy yells, “We’re all gonna die you bitches!” He dives into a display of oranges, then farts. The oranges roll all…
1. The Lozenge So I’m at work and I realize that I need to have copies of a letter to this client — deadline yesterday — for my boss. I go to the copier. Put the paper on the little…
Happy Birthday, Paul Newman! Dear Butch, You can keep your tomato sauce, salad dressing, and popcorn. I got a film festival and a cable channel, sucker. Later, Sundance…
This unforgettable sitcom lasted six seasons, during which the wacky, dictatorial but lovable star, HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, stole millions and delighted millions more with his corporate shenanigans and auditing antics. The shows featured Scrushy’s zany attempts to…
Michael L. Campbell Co-C.E.O., Regal Entertainment Group 7132 Regal Lane Knoxville, Tennessee, 37918 January 22, 2004 Dear Mr. Campbell, While we may have had our scuffles in the past, this time you have gone too far with your latest…
Dear Santa, I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this? Confusedly Yours, Armen Katein Dear Santa, I was wondering,…
Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude…
This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.* *”Ultimate” doesn’t always mean ‘best’; sometimes it means ‘last.’ Goodbye, mama and papa Goodbye, Jack and JillThe grass ain’t greener The wine ain’t sweeterEither side of the hill. “Ramble On Rose,” the Grateful Dead Friends, Romans, carniefolk: Life is…
Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York…
One morning, Gregor Samsa awoke to find he had turned into a Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was frightened at first, not sure what all this meant. He had spent the previous evening watching Timecop, the film in which Mr. Van…
Happy Birthday, Kate Moss! Dear Katie, Happy 30th birthday! Kate Moss, Kate Moss, Kate … Moss … I got nothing. Were this, say, 1995-ish, I’d have made some waify jokes or something, but lately you seem to have filled out a bit, reaching almost…
You know the authors’ names. You recognize the title. This is The Elements of Style, the classic guide to English rules and usage, now in its fourth … ooops, make that fifth edition. The revisions to the new…
Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles! Dear M.V.P., Happy 47th birthday! I get your dad, Melvin Van Peebles, mixed up with Martin Van Buren all the time, and they kicked me out of the Geography club because of that. My dog’s name is Peebles. I saw…
It’s an Honor Just to Be Read from: Todd Piepenbrok [thechinman@ameritech.net] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Best Boy Nomination Hello there, Y.P.R., I was doing the ol’ Google serach on my name and found that your Web site is the second listing. You have me nominated for BEST…
We’re Working on It from: John Graves II to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: an inquiry without capitals Yankee Pot Roast, As an admirer and appreciater of your online publication I wonder if there is a printed collection of the best daily pieces. I very much…
Hey! Your bed here. I know it’s not customary for the vacationer to receive postcards from those he’s abandoned at home, but I had a free sec and I thought it was a clever idea, so, ya know, hope ya…
Happy Birthday, Orlando Bloom! Dear Orlando, Happy 27th birthday! I don’t know if you’re aware, but your name is also the location of of the fabulous Walt DisneyWorld resort. This luxurious vacation destination features championship golf, spacious rooms, pools, day spas for your wife/girlfriend,…
“Girl With Pearl Drops Toothpaste” (1978) One of the finest of Ed Kligenstein’s commercials for Doyle Dane Bernbach, this sixty-second spot creates a mood defined by the radiant, all-American glow of the girl as she turns toward the viewer to…
Happy Birthday, Melanie Chisholm! Dear Mel, You’re looking more and more mannish every day. I bet you pee standing up. I hate you, Geri Halliwell a.k.a. Ginger P.S. You still owe me forty-six dollars. Don’t think I forgot….
Use the Ab Cruncher 3000 Three Times a Week and See a Whole New You! Week 1, Day 1 My Ab Cruncher 3000 came today. Sandy says you’re supposed to keep a diary and write down exactly how many…
Hey, whassup whassup, everybody! Xtina here and I want y’all to meet somebody special. This is Raul and ~ he is beau-ti-ful, no matter what they say … ~ He’s a dishwasher I met last night when I…
Happy Birthday, Wolfgang Puck! Dear Wolfgang, I’ve eaten at your Spago restaurant. It’s all right. Be honest with me now. You haven’t actually cooked anything in 20 years, have you? Right now, you’re jusst coasting on the fact that Chad Lowe went to your…
Can I name 10 world-famous Belgians? Not including tennis players? Are you serious? Belgians!?! You do mean Belgians, as in ‘citizens of Belgium,’ n’est ce pas? Oui? Pas de problem, dude. Sure I know where it’s at. It’s in Europe…
Happy Birthday, Erin Gray! Dear Col. Wilma, Happy 54th birthday! I’ve been watching “Buck Rogers in the 25th Century” for a long time now. When I was in grade school, I had your Thermos. It was a great picture of you. You were all…
From: MrEnchilada741@yahoo.com To: tlvcuuhlbexhc@j4femail.com Subject: Re: Spicy Latinas Wanna Taste Your Big Burrito Dear Spicy Latinas, Thank you so much! Of course you can taste my Big Burrito! I am thrilled to learn of your interest in it. In fact,…
The inexplicable ruination of the BROILED PINEAPPLE RINGS had the precise fingerprints of the Illuminati all over them. Or was it the anti-Illuminati? At any rate, it was clear that the mystical alignment of the seven rings spelled out apocryphal…
Happy Birthday, E. L. Doctorow! Dear E. L., Happy 73rd birthday! Good grief, E. L., I can’t believe Britney got married and unmarried in, like, less than 24 hours. It’s all so overwhelming. I’m in complete emotional upheaval here. I mean, how can she be…
Can you just shut up? Just shut up. Get the hell out of my way. The fuck you care? The fuck you staring at? Fuck you. Go hungry for all I care. O.K.? I’m not hungry, ergo, I’m not fucking…
Happy Birthday, Umberto Eco! Dear Bert, Happy 72nd Birthday! On my birthday, I spend the whole day in my birthday suit! Even when I have to go to the bank! You should try it. Also, for my birthday breakfast, I make an ice-cream-sundae omelet…
Happy Birthday, Michael Stipe! Dear Stipe, Happy 44th birthday! I bet you’ve got a super-fun day planned! Cookies and cupcakes and pin-the-tail-on-Bill Berry. Will Boy George will come over so you guys can paint stripes on each other’s faces? Freak. Birthday party, cheesecake, jelly…
Happy Birthday, Cuba Gooding Jr.! Dear Oscar-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. Happy 36th Birthday! Cubby, I’m a big-time movie producer, and I’ve just acquired the rights to a picture that I think you’d be perfect for the lead. It’s “mostly inspired by” the true story of…
Happy Birthday, J. D. Salinger! Dear J. D., Happy 85th Birthday! Look, J. D., we really wanted to throw you a surprise party, but you won’t leave your house, you agoraphobic maniac. What are we supposed to do, silently sneak into your kitchen and scare…
Happy Birthday, Jesus Christ! Dear J.C., Happy Birthday! I know everybody’s buying you frankincense and myrrh and Xbox for your birthday, so we were totally stumped. You’re a hard person to shop for! But then we remembered that carpentry was one of your hobbies,…
Tidings of Joy Folks, Yankee Pot Roast is calling it a year. In 2003, we had many good times and only a few bad. We made many new friends and some enemies, too. We thank all our readers, all our writers, all our…
Yum, pt. II from: John Anderson [john.anderson1@rcn.com>] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Scrumptious Yankee Hey, you guys … I just want to thank you from the bottom of my bottom round roast for that luscious recipe. Yankee Pot Roast will live forever…
Imagine if you were to wake up from an innocent sleep on Monday morning after a nice weekend with your family only to find that a bunch of strangers were waiting at your front door to kick you in the…
Neal, it’s almost Christmas and you’ve given me the best gift I could possibly ask for. You never come over anymore. Seriously though, folks, every night I get into bed, I take off my clothes and I read one of…
Dear Ruffles, 
: Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?
Ooooooooooh, who lives in the tissue of sick Holstein spines?
