Hey, Ron. How’s it going? It’s Don. Most. Donny Most from Happy Days. I’m just calling to check in and see how things are going. I had to call Henry Winkler to get your number, because the one that I…
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. The earth was without form, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said, “Let there be Sonic the Hedgehog.” And there was Sonic the Hedgehog. God…
Now That’s Some Scary Shit Ces Marculiano is unafraid of “So Afraid of the Russians,” the completely forgettable para-prop* track by the completely forgettable Made for TV.
You’re the world’s most overworked nurse and your morning is spent watching your family fall prey to the rampant Zombie Sickness. Your undead husband almost rips your throat out in the bathroom.
Beer is the most popular alcoholic beverage on earth, responsible for temporary friendships, questionable pieces of ass, and the destruction of the familial unit since its integration into the human lifestyle. It comes in many varieties: lager, pilsner, ale, papyrus,…
The lounge and waiting room here at D.M.T. Plaza has a 72-inch plasma screen that runs nothing but our favorite ads1, night and day, so rich is the American imagination for the finest sorts of hucksterism and extreme con-jobbery.
Damn, That’s Hott “Sexy & 17” by The Stray Cats from the album Rant ‘n’ Rave with The Stray Cats Fourth week in July, 1983 The 1950s are seemingly always good for a comeback, whether it’s through the musical Grease, the nostalgia band…
In an effort to protect our nation’s youth and empower them with knowledge, the C.D.C. sought the perfect spokeswomen to reach these young girls before they came to harm. The Disney Princesses were the only logical choice.
Little is known of the life of Christ between childhood and His later emergence as a serious public speaker. Until now, as indicated by this recently unearthed transcript: How are you folks doin’ this evening? Any fishermen here? Great! I’m…
On March 2, 2006, the Senate renewed the U.S.A. Patriot Act, making all provisions within the bill permanent. Much like most of the legislation in Washington, D.C., the major points of the bill overshadowed some of the smaller issues also…
People say I’m crazy, but I think it’s just because I’m doing what I’m doing. They often tell me that I’m a bit of a cold character, but I’ve assured them it is only because sometimes, without warning, I become…
Send the Kids to the Neighbors and Lock the Doors! That’s right, the deadline has come and gone for submissions for Y.P.R.’s first ever print edition. Now it’s time for us to lock ourselves in a room with all this paper and summon the courage to read through everything without…
1. Are you reading The New York Times in a reclined position on a beach, idly sipping a cool, refreshing glass of pink lemonade? Yes — You are not under attack. You are enjoying a relaxing afternoon at the beach….
Celebrate Your Independence, Take Care of Your Digits The founding fathers of Y.P.R. would like to take this moment to celebrate long weekends with no day jobs, literary tomfoolery, and the last call for submissions for Y.P.R. Print! Bring us your tired, your dirty, your utterly hilarious….
William Shakespeare: Sonnet DCCXV Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thy staff’s not shadowed with such temperance, And rough waves splash when balls land in the bay. The summer’s tantrum heat, is it perchance The Eye of…
Respondent: Evening Standard, editorial desk. Wittgenstein: Reading your newspaper is a TORTURE to me. Respondent: Would you care to cancel your subscription, sir? Wittgenstein: I find your attitude QUITE UNBEARABLE. [Crash of receiver.] * * * Respondent: Moore’s Clocks,…
The following is a survey of soon-to-be-published novels titled with the increasingly faddish “-ist” formula (à la David Maine’s The Preservationist, Hari Kunzru’s The Impressionist, James P. Othmer’s The Futurist, Martha Cooley’s The Archivist, Colson Whitehead’s The Intuitionist, Donald Antrim’s…
Call for Shreek Writers! Have you been reading and following the Shreek of the Week of the Day? No? My goodness, go wash your eyes out with soap this instant. Then come back and be prepared for Shreek of the Week of the Day…
Work on “Green/Lilacs” adaptation halted unexpectedly. Lorenz Hart is dead. Dead, dead. I couldn’t go to bed. Sat down for drink with Rodgers and young Lerner before remembering Hart’s struggles with alcohol. Took a little marihuana to calm the nerves…
1. Whatever I do and whenever I do it, I do the very best I can—even if I have no idea what I’m doing. For instance, I now realize a television cannot be fixed with a simple application of margarine…
Hello, everyone. This is Captain Baker from the flight deck. Today, I’m being assisted by First Lt. John Galvin. You’re on American Airlines flight 674, non-stop out of John F. Kennedy airport all the way to Los Angeles. Looks like…
To: All employees From: Policy Committee; Human Resources Re: Personal Appearance Policy cc: Eric This memorandum is in response to recent radical departures concerning dress code, personal hygiene, and personal appearance policies. As all of you know, young man, we…
Spring has come again, which means another great season of America’s jacked-up pastime! With increased salary caps and new products from the finest minds in sports science, even the most down-in-the-dumps dogs of the league have a shot at glory…
Dick: Well, I guess this is the end of our date. Date: Thank you for a lovely time, Dick. Dick: Time … That’s something Lopez will have plenty of at Rikers. Date: What? Dick: Never mind. I do…
Hanging from the Golden Gate Bridge by the marble hook handle of my umbrella, I look dead in the eyes of the man who would steal credit for my life’s work. I hear a squawking seagull and I watch his…
On the phone: Goofus says, “Ma? MA! Shut up, I’m on the PHONE! Hey, is—uh—is whatshername there? The one with the big tits?” Gallant says, “Hi! How are you, hon? It’s always so good to hear your voice. Say, listen,…
The relationship between the elephant and me has been deriorating for some time now. Though he would have you believe otherwise, my growing distaste for the bastard has nothing to do with him being an elephant and a large one…
Dr., I Didn’t Know In this explosive debut of the film series that would mesmerize a generation, Barry Bonds—Agent 0025—emerges as the inimitable and sometimes choleric slugger who, despite his old age, so-called bad attitude, and unfairly pegged reputation for…
Rick Rubin, his trademark beard cascading to his lap, sits in the L.A. office of American Recordings, surrounded by gold records, Grammys, and empty Chinese takeout boxes. He grits his teeth and rests his chin in his folded, knuckled hands….
Knock, Knock Who’s there? Website that has gone on vacation for a bit and won’t be posting until Tuesday. Website that has gone on vacation for a bit and won’t be posting until Tuesday who? Website that has gone on vacation for…
Fear Not, Shreeks Aren’t Dead, They’re … Resting Dear Readers, Thank you for your patience while we wait to post our next Shreek of the Week of the Day. Unfortunately, we are stuck on the Police and their tune “Every Breath You Take”. We’re hanging on to this…
I woke up in a strange place, then I went back to sleep. Then I woke up again and a bear was next to me. The bear spoke: “Don’t worry, I only eat salmon.” “O.K.,” I said. The bear started…
In late 2005, Ray signed a deal with Oprah Winfrey and King World Productions to host a syndicated daytime TV talk show in fall 2006. (Source: Wikipedia) 30-MINUTE SODOMY WITH RACHAEL RAY “I love sodomy. I’m all about it! There’s…
Invading My Personal Space From page 213 of McCaffery’s novel: “Marcus then leaned across me to open the passenger-side door. He was invading my personal space, as I had learned in Psych class—something with B.F. Skinner or something, and I…
Saw Erica Richards, paralegal I went out on two dates with three years ago, outside Film Forum screening of “Tsotsi” on Sunday afternoon with scruffy Strokes-ish guy who looked like maybe her boyfriend.
When you reach the age of 30, you should really be on your way toward doing something productive with your life. On my 30th birthday, I found myself out-of-work, without a girlfriend, unmarried, and living at my parents’. I was…
Our first-class and business-class customers. The élite cadre of renegade warriors fighting an unstoppable enemy, and anyone who is old or young or needs extra time adjusting to the cruel unsettling 1970s décor. If you are parents with very young…
What Real Salads Are Made Of In this week’s installment of Tangential Stupidity at Drink at Work, Y.P.R.’s Nick Jezarian discusses why Field Greens salads are nothing but a crock—a crock of leafy, greeny, bitter leaves. Shame on you chefs, shame on you!…
#1 You learn that the laws of karma and reincarnation are true. Good begets good, bad begets bad. You also learn that plants are living things and therefore included in this universal equation. Every time you mowed your lawn and…
Clouds are fascinating. Day after day we flit about our lives and pay little attention to these fluffy airships. We shouldn’t ignore clouds, though. No, there is much—much, much, much—that is too important about them. Let me take a moment…
Oh, c’mon you guys, let me in, seriously! My cousin Gerry said the program was really fun and that you can write stories and stuff, and that if you’re really good the school will, like, give you money that he said this was a sti… a stip… money that you can use for anything like pizza or Baby Ruths or—AHH SHIT!!!
Basic Instinct 2 Say what you want about how terrible this movie is, but at least Sharon Stone still makes an effort to look sexy. The woman must be nearing 50, but clearly finds time during her busy schedule to…
Mid afternoon on Wednesday, February 22nd, Isiah Thomas ruined my entire week. The damage he inflicted went on to ruin the remainder of the NBA season and lingers with me into the Knick-less playoffs. In fact, a reasonable prognosis is that Isiah ruined the next 3-4 years of my life as a fan of the New York Knicks. He needs to be stopped.
Continue Reading…. here.
Are You There, God? It’s Me, Bilbo J.R.R. Tolkien’s Hobbit comes of age in 1970s Middle Earth. The Scrunci Code Like, somebody dies in a horrible hair accident? And then, like, there’s soooo many clues about it that after a…
Street Meats, It’s the Meats of the Streets O.K., the cat is out of the bag: 2/3 of the Y.P.R. squadron are actually rabid New York sports fans. The third doesn’t know a football from a knish. For those of our followers that loathe professional sports, we’re…
A – Paper B – Rock Paper prepares to slide itself over rock, obscuring it with its Zen whiteness. Paper teases. Should paper roll on top of rock slowly? Should it flutter down from heaven? Should it wrap rock? Paper…
Church of the Musical Clusterf*ck Mary Phillips-Sandy uncovers the dark secret behind Boy George’s “Church of the Poisoned Mind.” (No, the other darl secret. Silly!
Stan: Hi, Margaret. Margaret: Hey, Stan, how ya doin’? Stan: Oh, O.K. So did you hear on the news? It’s going to hail today. Margaret: Oh. No, I didn’t. It does feel a little cold, now that you mention it….
Have we become so absorbed with declaiming That Which Is Not Right that we can no longer celebrate That Which Most Definitely IS Right or, dare we say, That We Which We Once Thought Disquieting, But Now Realize Is Not?
NOT WITHOUT MY OTHER DAUGHTER (Sally Field, Alfred Molina, Chuck Norris) The long-awaited sequel to Not Without My Daughter, in which Betty Mahmoody (Field) discovers she has another daughter and must return to Iran to rescue her. Her sinister husband…
March 2, 2005 - Ronkonkoma, New York - 11:23 p.m. Subject under surveillance Ronald “Mickey D” McDonald was observed in conference with Louie “The Burger” King. One of our junior undercover agents had succeeded in flipping “The Burger” two weeks…
So I’m down at the local public house enjoying a pint after a hard day’s work. It’s deserved. It’s dessert. I ogle, I toggle, and eventually settle my eyes on these guys that are setting up a microphone on the…
Here’s what I know: life is short and life is long. Allow me to explain. In the sense that life is short, I need to tell you right now that I love you. Crazy because in many ways you’re not…
(Interview conducted by Peter Dabbene) Zakim Salah al-Awi, an Iraqi prisoner detained at a United States holding facility near Mosul for the last three years, has secretly published the first Iraqi criticism of American music. The slim volume is causing…
Diddy: Unforgivable. A breathtaking fragrance that says sexy, rich, unique, and passionate. The soul of Unforgivable is slightly dangerous and explosive, yet cool. “Life without passion is unforgivable.” Stephen Malkmus: Incomprehensible. A conduit fragrance that says recorder grot, wounded-kite. Dental…
I have to go to the Houston office on business for ten weeks. To my roommate Todd, I say, “When I get back, you have a job or you’re gone. I’m sick of you paying late, owing me money, and…
Tangential Stupidity Your humble editor Nick Jezarian has been a contributor for Drink at Work but recently the site’s masterminds, Ces Marciuliano and Carol Hartsell, mistook him for someone who deserves a weekly column. Don’t tell the Drink at Work fools about…
The pretext for the 2003 war would have been the search for weapons of mass destruction. The real reason: a society-wide neglect of orthodontia. The invaded country: Great Britain. Affectionate nickname for George W. Bush: “Mr. Thirsty” Rather than converting…
Dear Kind and Patient Readers While one-third of our editorial juggernaut begins principal shooting on his first motion picture, two-thirds of us were away on a long vacation, and as such, you’ve noticed things have been reasonably bare around here. As always, we’re sorry for…
You have lost, misplaced, or destroyed that loving feeling, either through negligence or accident, and that all related agreements are gone, null, void, and whoa.
Since the article titled “My Huge Head” first appeared on YankeePotRoast.org back in April of 2003, I’ve gotten a handful of emails regarding it. There was the one from a man named Cleveland who shared my plight and wanted…
To the Taft Elementary Parent-Teacher Association: We have received a number of angry letters, irate phone calls and obstreperous personal-space intrusions from members of the local community expressing concern over our school library’s inclusion of the popular illustrated children’s book,…
An Old Woman picks berries from a small bush. Enter The Traveler. The Traveler: Many miles have I traveled, uh, until now, now I am not sure of where I am! Pray, tell me, woman old, uh, where the hell…
I pulled up to the drive-thru and eyeballed the menu. “Can I take your order, please?” intoned the disembodied voice. “One chicken sandwich,” I replied. “May want to rethink that order, sir.” “Why is that?” “Small chance the bird is…
Table For Two (Morons) Putting aside the egregious health code violation that comes with allowing a cat to dine at your restaurant for the moment, why would he use a fork to scratch his nose? He’s got claws, for God’s sake. Also, when are…
Will Pimp for Props Got a band, a Web site, a book, a store, a clothing line, or anything else to promote? We need to dress dozens of N.Y.C. apartments for our film, American Standard, and would be happy to feature whatever props you…
Assembly CenterTulsa, Oklahoma, January 26, 1977 Paul: Yeah! You all are crazy, Tulsa! I think … I think … I think Tulsa might be the craziest place we played ON THIS TOUR. That’s right, Tulsa! You know what gets me…
Video Killed The Y.P.R. Star “The Ausherman Stories” by Stephen Ausherman have been filmed, edited and posted over at Mr. Ausherman’s site. Please head over and check them out. Bring a kugel. And tuck your shirt in….
Well, hello there! You must be our new tenant! Welcome to the Vending Machine! I’m Brown & Haley Almond Roca from E4, and I head up the Community Board. It says here that you are … Oy, where is it?…
I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to not a few folks in my life whom I’ve doubtlessly troubled with my thoughtlessness and penchant to plumb fuck things up.
Once There Was a Day “Let Me Go” by Heaven 17 from the album The Luxury Gap Third week of December, 1982 These little passages that we attach to these Shreek generally either invoke a memory or some interpretation of the song or even something…
I don’t know exactly when I got into American Idol, but it happened. What triggered my interest? I can’t say that I know. All I know is that I’ve put aside the ugly hatred and taken a bold step forward….
A black, empty stage. Lights up on Annie, a bruised and battered orphan girl whose cataract-stricken eyes have no visible pupils. Around her, other abandoned girls sleep fitfully on the dirty sweatshop floor as she sings
Read to the Death Tonight your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will read to the death at The Sweet Fancy Moses Literary Death Match Monday, March 13, 2006, 7:30 p.m. The Back Room, New York City, N.Y. 102 Norfolk St. @ Delancey St. (212) 228-5098…
Make That “Borrow” “Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches” by Teddy Wayne “Thank You, Thank You, Thank You” by Zev Borow, The New York Times, Sunday, March 5, 2006 … Anyway, more Academy Award related stuff: “Acceptance Speech” by Michael J. Ewing “The…
And the Winner Is … Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, will be reading with Dennis DiClaudio at the Me Three Oscar Bash this Sunday, March 5 at 7 p.m. It will take place at Croxley’s Ale House at 28 Avenue B in Manhattan. If you…
Paging David Blaine… Right now, the operations department is desperately trying to get Jim Davis on the horn. The people need to know what actually transpired in today’s strip. In one panel, there’s a cookie and Jon is politely offering to share it…
The Other Side of Yuck “The Other Side of Love” by Yazoo, from (we think) the single, “The Other Side of Love” First week of December, 1982 Imagine the sweetly infectious synth beat of Depeche Mode’s “Just Can’t Get Enough”, except instead of Martin Gore’s…
Happy Vagina Day! By Sara Stewart Look out, Eve Ensler, and move over, Madonna—there’s a new girl in town who loves vaginas—and her name is Dr. Carol Schiffman. The author of the sizzling new nonfiction bestseller, The Vagina Whisperer is…
Father Wears His Sunday Best “Our House” by Madness, from the album Presents the Rise & Fall Fourth week of November, 1982 Elbows pumping, horns a-blarin’, this song is like a nostalgia march. It makes you homesick for a house you never had — the…
Everybody’s Just Like You “That’s Good” by Devo from the album Oh, No! It’s Devo Second Week of November, 1982 I don’t know how Mark Motherbaugh feels about the fact that every song that he’s ever sung is compared to the only one that…
SIX FLAGS OVER ALCATRAZ Built on floating platforms near the famous island prison, this ill-fated venture embarrassed its corporate parent for years after its well-deserved closure. Space limitations and surface instability prevented construction of a major rollercoaster; the park was…
Poetry in Motion “She Blinded Me with Science” by Thomas Dolby from the album The Golden Age of Wireless First Week of November, 1982 “Mr. Dolby loses faith in Science and all things Scientific.” Or so says the final written slide in the…
Hail To The Chief Hey Y.P.R. faithful, Just dropping a quick note to let you know that we haven’t upped and gone. We’re just taking a short breather in honor of Presidents’ Day. We’ve got a lot of respect for most of them. Anyway,…
I am twenty-two years old in 1991, which means that I am old enough to drink but not necessarily to exercise sound judgment when it comes to members of the less fair sex. Benjamin Franklin may really have believed that…
Hey, guys! This is my fanfic version of my all-time favorite film, Eraserhead. The premise is: what if Mary gave birth to a regular baby? You know, like a human one. Please read & review, this is my first post! Thanx!
Betty Ford Cheerleaders perform at 12:00, 3:00, and 5:00 p.m. All 10 girls are addicts in recovery. Cheer “1-2-3-4 We Don’t Abuse Substances Anymore!” receives a lukewhmmmarm response. Autograph signings following performances are continuously crowded. Keynote speakers James Frey and…
“Buy her some snazzy jewelry,” a friend recommended. “Tattoo her name on your arm.” But after fourteen cans of beer at the local tavern, Jack had a much better idea: He would have an image of his wife’s beautiful face scrimshawed on his leg bone …
Aaron Burr and Dick Cheney Who are two vice presidents who’ve shot someone? Recycled but relevant: “Excerpts from Dick Cheney’s Duck-Hunting Journal” by Vince LiCata…
This Generation Rules the Nation “Pass the Dutchie” by Musical Youth from the album Youth of Today First Week of November, 1982 This song will never die due to its infectious bass line and simple but digestible lyrics. A song that was essentially a rip-off…
Don’t Smell the Kraut Inhaling vapors of leftover sauerkraut has the same creepy morphing effect on Jon as would a gasp of the mutagenic atmosphere of Mars in Total Recall. Garfield is unfazed by his master’s disfigurement….
Prediction: 17 Posts and He’s Outta There Ducky Magazine (on “hiatus”) (parenthtetical note) (on “hiatus”) I Am the Stallion (defunct) Dostoevsky Is Dead (defunct) Behold: Dennis DiClaudio dot com…
Chapter 3: Sibling Rivalry … These days, few people remember just how cute Maddox was in the mid-00s. His hair shorn on the sides, leaving tufts of a Mohawk sprouting from his round, Cambodian head. His pudgy, Asian cheeks made…
See Me a Big Woman “Kiss of Life” by Peter Gabriel from the album Security Fifth Week of October, 1982 Let’s settle the “Who was the better member of Genesis” argument right now. If I were an attorney (I’m not), I feel like this would…
You rise with a startled jerk from your supine position, shivering, body caked in a gelatinous sweat that could only be the product of near-100-percent humidity. An alligator bites your foot from your leg as a steady downpour and fierce…
“It’s the tail end of open-mike night here at the Big Gig, and I see some new faces in the crowd. Let me emphasize that time is limited, so please keep it short. And now … ah, I see a…
A major survey of U.S. researchers has found that unethical practices are more common and widespread in science than previously believed. The study found that 33% of scientists admit to engaging in at least one of 10 behaviors considered unethical…
She’s Gone Electric “Annie Get Your Gun” by Squeeze (released as a single, but) from the album Singles 45’s and Under Fourth week of October, 1982. This is Squeeze’s second hit single named after a Broadway show, the other being, obviously, Goodbye Girl….
—At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a “bitch”, “ho”, etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter. —All entourage members will be asked to disarm and turn over gats before the commencement of the horah …
Twelfth Night of the Living Dead: The Bard meets George Romero: cross-dressing zombies in the 16th century. Who’s a man? Who’s a woman? Who’s living? Who’s dead? Hilarity ensues …
Will Layman and Chris Osmond intone: As professional cultural critics and C-List blogebrities whose snappy critiques and wise-ass barbs echo across the land almost the instant they are posted on this esteemed site, we grow weary. But our obligation to…
Top 40 Castoff from a Record Stand “Walking in L.A.” by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Third week of October, 1982. Sad to say, the dignified Christopher Walken is not the focus of this song. Nay! Instead with this track, Missing Persons provided the…
Like a Pigeon from Hell “Back on the Chain Gang” by the Pretenders, from the album Learning to Crawl Second Week of October, 1982 I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: If there were a statistic measuring “Looks to Talent” Ratio, Chrissie Hynde…
Greetings and salutations, O seekers of the Inexpugnable Truth. Inductees into the Assemblies of Wisdom. Pilgrims to the Arcane Shrine on the desolate shores of you-know-where. Did you notice the phrase “you-know-where”? Did you catch that? Good. Because I can’t believe I have to bring this up, people! Tell me, what makes a secret society such a special organization to be a part of?
Full of Strange Arrangements “The Look of Love (Part One)” by ABC from the album The Lexicon of Love Second week of October, 1982 It takes but one listen to “The Look of Love (Part One)” to realize that this ABC is entirely different…
Monkey Shock “Shock the Monkey” by Peter Gabriel from the album Security. Third week of September, 1982 Peter Gabriel. What a rotten son of a bitch. I always wondered why a man would prod the masses to shock a monkey. What the…
I only know two of the Black Table’s “Big Four,” mainly because I rarely come out of my one-bedroom suburban cubbyhole to work the New York media party circuit.
Waxing Off: Thank You for Being a Friend Sophia Petrillo: Picture it: Manhattan, 1932. An old, shriveled hag with a dollar and dream knocks on the door of Camp Bowery.
I Don’t Wanna Hear That Song No More “Jukebox (Don’t Put Another Dime)” by the Flirts, from the album 10 Cents a Dance Fourth week of September, 1982 If the rock gods were ever to bring their dire contempt for new wave and early-80s pop music to litigation,…
In March I became a published author, and I quickly realized how important self-presentation is to creative success. This is the second in a series of letters in which I “sell myself” to various prize committees, billionaires, and television executives.
Slow, Slow, Quick, Quick, Slow “Dancing in Heaven (Orbital Be-Bop)” by Q-Feel, from the album Q-Feel Second week of September, 1982 Full disclosure: I had to look up this song because the name “Q-Feel” is as familiar to me as the terrain of southern Zimbabwe;…
INT. A GRUESOME TORTURE CHAMBER IN BRATISLAVA CLOSE-UP: PERCY BYSSHE SHELLEY strapped naked to a decaying dentist’s chair. As sweat oozes from his pores and tears fill his eyes, he screams incessantly, in the grips of extreme agony …
Poor Old Johnny Ray “Come On Eileen”, by Dexy’s Midnight Runners, from the album Too-Rye-Ay First week of September, 1982 I never really know what to make of this song. It reminds me of drunken Irishmen. Now, don’t go calling the A.C.L.U. or the…
God, I am SO in love with Brad Schwartz! I know I totally shouldn’t have, but Brad’s got P.E. third period, and, well, oops! My pointer fingers found their way together and I just happened to take a “wrong turn” into the guys’ locker room. His dong is huge! Sigh.
Mesh & Lace “I Melt With You” by Modern English, from the album After the Snow Fourth week of August, 1982. Is there anything better than Brits who employ synthesizers as the backbone of their music? The answer is there are an infinite…
Leave the TV and the Radio Behind “Steppin’ Out” by Joe Jackson, from the album Night and Day. Third week of August, 1982 It surprises me that people work themselves into a froth when music that they loved (one-hit wonder or otherwise) gets bought up by some…
Talk2 “Talk Talk” by Talk Talk, from the album The Party’s Over. Second week of August, 1982 You’ve got to love bands with eponymous songs, begging the chicken-or-the-egg question of which was named after what. Talk Talk dropped the meta-ball in…
In the year that we have been training our eyes on the outside world—on the ephemera, media, culture, and general goings-on of those whose very being is our U.S. zeitgeist at large—we have surely made out the prima facie case for becoming a hermit.
Smell Like I Sound “Hungry Like the Wolf” by Duran Duran, from the album Rio. First Week of August, 1982 They were one of the biggest bands of the decade, even penning the theme to a Bond film (although it was Roger Moore’s last…
Making Threats That Incorporate Literary References “Get out of my face before I come down on you like Don Quixote on a windmill.” “You, my friend, have just made a choice even more flawed and inevitably tragic than King Lear’s.”
“Everywhere you turn, I’m gonna haunt your ass like Cathy to Heathcliff.” 2. Brandishing Inappropriate Accessories …
Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas “Everywhere That I’m Not” by Translator, from the album Heartbeats and Triggers Fifth week of July, 1982. This song stinks. It’s annoying in the most jangly way possible. Try these lyrics: “‘Cause you’re in New York, but I’m not /…
The curtain rises on a bare stage, occupied only by a large wooden barrel upon which is mounted an enormous spigot. As the lights come up, the orchestra launches into the delicate opening phrases of composer-choreographer Ittoru Sakitaru’s Ballet of the Salarymen …
Do You Hear Me? Do You Care? “Words” by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Fourth week of July, 1982. Annoying, annoying, annoying. And if you sing it in your head, eventually you find the melody and lyrics drifting toward “Walking in L.A.”, Missing Persons’…
Billy and Timmy are in a car on the highway. Billy, who is driving, has two laptops perched on his lap and a third on the dashboard. Timmy, the passenger, has five laptops of his own. Billy: [Furiously typing, switching…
Bringing You the Best New Music of 1982 The literary journal begets an MP3 blog: Y.P.R.’s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day Right click, Save Target/Link As….
Abre los Ojos “Open Your Eyes” by the Lords of the New Church, from the album Lords of the New Church. Third week of July, 1982. Yes. This song is awesome. It’s industrial-dance goth rock that’s “political” without any real political comment. All…
Dear Three Wishes, You know Soleil Moon Frye? Punky Brewster? Yeah. I’d like to commend her role in 1994’s Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, where she gave a convincing performance as “Marcie.” (No last name.)I’d like to thank her, all right. With my homemade tower of power …
Y.P.R.’s WLIR/WDRE Shreek-of-the-Week of the Day Two years ago today, WLIR ((f.k.a. WDRE) 92.7 FM, from Garden City, Long Island) signed off the airways the last time, its parent company switching its playlist to Spanish music. By that time, WLIR had evolved into a Top 40…
That Crazy Casbah Sound “Rock the Casbah” by the Clash, from the album Combat Rock. Second week of July, 1982. “Rock the Casbah” is, hands down, the Clash’s worst song. It’s funny and interesting and it’s got cool sound effects and it’s sort-of-but-not-really offensive—which…
Are you spiritually prepared? You can run and pass all over the field, but if you haven’t got the Power, you might as well be trying to score in the dark.
If a master plan is quickly adopted on a global scale, the world can safely cope with a peak in oil production and create a more sustainable and enjoyable economy at the same time. If we ignore these changes and…
Gorp A coworker is taking a week off to be with her 6-year-old daughter 24-7 while the little girl fasts for six days—not a total fast, but a diet of fruit, nuts, and water, part of a tradition observed, I’m told,…
Selected Titles of Hollywood Westerns Gayer than Brokeback Mountain Advance to the Rear (1964) The Adventures of Bullwhip Griffin (1967) Along Came Jones (1945) Along the Mohawk Trail (1957) As Man to Man Back in the Saddle (1941) Back to the Woods (1937) Backlash (1956) The Bandit Queen…
MMV Ah, 2005—We remember it well. Geoff Wolinetz played the titular role in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Josh Abraham asked if he could shoot a film in your bathroom*, and Nick Jezarian ate fifty-one grilled cheese sandwiches in an…
“Joy to the World” is being piped in over the din of the late afternoon crush at Saks Fifth Avenue and I am cursing the fact that I have to wait so long for the clerk to return with my credit card. “So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?” Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.
Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart (But the very next day, you gave it away.) Christmastime Is HereY.P.R.’s Xmas Cards, 2004 A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys by Julianne Flynn Season’s Greetings by Stephen Loomis The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter by Jonathan Shipley The Annual Holiday…
Comedy Gold Jon suspects that the fruitcake he received from Mrs. Feeney is the same fruitcake that she sent last year, which he threw away. Garfield offers to get a mallet and wooden stake. Fruitcake jokes, folks. This is what makes Garfield…
Look, I’ll level with ya: I’m not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let’s get that fuckin’ straight right now. Holly said something like, “John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more,” and I was like, “What the shit you think I’ve been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!” …
The Complete Radar Collected in two handsome, leather-bound volumes, with raised spine, gilt edges, and over 2,300 illustrations, The Complete Radar is yours for only $289.00.
Tony, an amicable imp garbed in a sailor’s hat, sheet-metal spats and a strangely workable kerchief, impresses easily (Times Square Red Lobster, southeast exit). This waif is a filthy joy to behold …
Pity, Indeed Jon stands beneath mistletoe (apparently awaiting a kiss from either his cat or dog?). Garfield places a signpost near him reading “Have Pity.” How the cat crafted the sign, I’ve no idea….
The White Stripes at the Hotel Yorba Personal Assistant: Hello, operator. I would like to book a room for Meg and Jack of the White Stripes. Receptionist: Oh, the popular beat combo—of course …
Harry Potter—Just Not Getting Any? | Frat Boys Who Wear Backwards Baseball Caps | “Bands” That Are Really Just One Guy Who Gave Himself a Band Name | When the Little Light inside the Car Doesn’t Turn Off as Soon as the Door Is Closed but Instead Fades Dramatically after Eight Seconds | Music on the Radio, Generally | Eva Longoria, Overexposed
Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth The dimwitted dog tries the pull-my-finger routine on the mean, lazy cat. When pulled, instead of the unsurprising surprise burst of flatulence, the pup cha-chings like a cash-register drawer, offering something that looks like green candy canes hung on his…
Dennis DiClaudio, pathological worrywart * ? *Y.P.R. 1. What non-hypochondriacal diseases afflict you? Dennis DiClaudio I currently suffer from a chronic case of Androgenetic Alopecia, the effects of which have been devastating and unquantifiable, at times making it difficult to maintain such basic human…
Surrender all hope, human beings! I, Avian Influenza A (H5N1), have you in my crosshairs. You have no chance. Stand down and accept your fate. When my reign of terror has been fully realized, the atmosphere shall grow thick with…
Correção (Correction) I am Portugese, and I want to correct you “schmucks” since the translation of My Big Fat Greek Wedding was translated as “Viram-se Gregos Para Casar”. So I’d Reeeeeeeeeally appreciate if you corrected the site [Y.P.R.’s Oscar Coverage 2003: “The…
The following is my application letter for the Pulitzer Prize. Update: A case of beer was dropped off to their offices, around lunchtime on October 28. I hope they enjoyed the beer and expect to hear from them shortly.
Dear Pulitzer Prize Chairman Lee C. Bollinger: I am a winner. I’ve always been a winner…
Giuseppe, We’ve had lots of fun these past three years at the Corner Mall. Remember when I set your hair on fire? How about that time I gave you Hepatitis C? So much shared history to treasure. It’s not that…
He Sees You When You’re Eating His Cookies, You Pudgy Bastard Garfield, still wearing Santa’s stolen hat, now consumes Santa’s cookies. To add insult to injury, he does it under the cover of Santa’s hat! Santa knows if you’ve been bad or good, you fat fuck. Stop screwing with him….
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder—commonly called A.D.H.D.—affects an ever-growing amount of today’s children and can be severely debilitating. If you are concerned that your child may have A.D.H.D., the following survey, adapted from the Vanderbilt Assessment Scale and brought to you…
Pietra Fria (Italian) Italy is known for its warmth and rich food. You will not find those here. Our cuisine comes from Asperghia, a remote hill town nestled high in the Dolomites. Our people are indomitable, and our unique cuisine, as well as the profession of banditry, is handed down from father to son. We do not serve wine, for at an altitude of 3500 meters, grapevines would perish. Olive oil we steal from trade caravans that dare traverse our mountain passes. Enjoy our rock stew, flavored with lichen, or perhaps the tender marmot …
Jim Davis Probably Made Ten Times My Yearly Salary for These Ten Words The enterprising cat has hijacked Santa’s hat, returning only in exchange for his desired gifts. Garfield obviously is unfamiliar with Santa’s M.O. (giving toys to children who have been nice, not those who steal his hat). My guess is the…
This Will Be The Week That Will Be Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, makes a mockery of the coming week. “Incoming! December 5, 2005,” at The Black Table….
What do I remember about Zesty? He was funny. Except when he performed. But when you ran into him, you know, just out in the community, at the instant check-cashing store, at the emergency room, in a holding cell, inside a Dumpster, he was always funny. Funny scary. Say, what do you call a birthday party without a clown? The end of a child’s happiness. Book me today!
He Knows When You Are Confused and Disappointed Jon says, “Garfield … Santa Claus is coming to town!” and Garfield thinks, “Really?” and then he thinks, “He can stay in my room!” and I think Jim Davis just doesn’t care about anything at all anymore….
Scholars at Kent College Pembury, an all-girls preparatory school in England, recently unearthed an astonishing discovery in the rectory directly below the women’s faculty quarters: a dusty trunk filled with the long-lost journals of the mildly retarded Lord Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne….
Starbucks Letter Regarding Seemingly Illogical Size Nomenclature Mr. Abraham: Pass this info along to whomever is interested. Because us Americans are such pigs, Starbucks had to add the size Venti (Italian for twenty—as in the number of ounces in the cup) to the original three sizes: short,…
What a Turkey The human catches the cat attempting to steal the turkey. These antics delight 260 million readers worldwide every day. Four percent of the planet. They love it….
Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine …
As the Pizza Turns … Jon has finally gotten through to the pizza joint and placed an order for a pizza that’s going to cost him an arm and a leg … triple toppings of everything. Hopefully, that includes a triple helping of some self-respect….
Jimmy Kimmel: Listen—Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster…
Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting. You are the only one…
A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This story happened a long time ago in a church. Things were very different then. A church was a building where crowds of depressed and frightened people…
Of Course the Fat Cat Wants Pizza, You Maroon Jon is seen holding the phone and then asking who wants pizza. Sign of stupidity number one—hello, Jon! Why don’t you ask if they want the pizza first and then pick up the phone. Why waste your time waiting for…
You will address me as Lord Vader. I am a Dark Lord of the Sith. (Breath, breath.) I have hired a team of bounty hunters to deal with the President’s critics …
Nipsey Fan Seeks Same Dear Nick, I was reading with interest your article from October 5, 2005 [“Dear Nipsey”]. It is interesting, and I was wondering if you ever found out who the owner of this AOL Nipsey Russell fan page is. I know…
One morning on his way to school, Johnny stopped by the creek and caught a big, fat frog, which he hid in his knapsack. Later that day, he slipped the frog into Mrs. Smith’s purse while she was writing equations…
Good afternoon, theatre fans of the airwaves! This is Dick Cox bringing you all the news, up to the minute, immediately as it happens, here at the Goodspeed Opera House, where the much-anticipated opening night performance of Oklahoma! is about…
Peanuts episode: “That’s Biotechnology, Charlie Brown!” Charlie Brown loses yet another kite within the branches of his nemesis, the kite-eating tree. However, Linus cleverly observes that this action is not unlike the concept of phytoremediation …
Wherefore Art Thou, Y.P.R.? Well, it appears we’ve pulled one of our trademark disappearing acts again. We do this from time to time without warning and for no apparent reason. This serves one of two purposes: 1) To create an abuser/enabler relationship with our…
Chickens do not just live in the present, but can anticipate the future and demonstrate self-control, something previously attributed only to humans and other primates, according to a recent study. —Discovery News So, what are you thinking about the future…
May We Use Your Loo? Your humble coëditor, Josh Abraham, will be directing an independent feature film. It’s called American Standard, and will star these extraoridnarily talented, funny, beautiful people. But we need places in which to put them! In The Can Production is seeking…
1. In the Cannon Beach wedding scene, Joseph is already foreshadowing not-so-happy endings. “We kissed. Everyone released colorful kites into the sky, the wind taking them where it wanted. None of the barefoot guests knew how to operate a kite but they steered with those attached strings nonetheless. Soon one kite would wind up all tangled together with another and both would dive urgently into the sand” (p. 41). How does Joseph ever expect things to work out if he’s going to be such a melodramatic something-something his whole life? Discuss…
Aunt Linda’s Hindenberg rear end was so big that it would be easier to jump over her than it would be to try and walk around. She was married to Uncle Freddie. Once, when we were up north fishing, he…
Antigone Creon: Since my decision has been thus reversed, I who imprisoned Antigone shall myself be present to release her. I’m just going to call ahead. (Takes out cellphone.) Antigone? Greetings. Listen I’ve been thinking about the relationship of…
Jon Is Fooled by a Three-Dollar Bill, or Maybe He’s as Gay as One The cat, which nothing up his sleeve, is accused of treachery. Instead of merely walking away the better, he kicks the idiot dog off of the table, feeling obligated to do something. We’re not laughing, you know….
It is estimated that anywhere from one-third to one-half of Europe’s population succumbed to the infamous fourteenth-century Black Plague epidemic. While a massive fatality rate is concordant with most historical accounts, the inflated death toll fails to consider the Great…
Happy Hallowe’en! Y.P.R HQ has had a bag of dog crap thrown on its door by our former best friend. After screaming, “You shit on my house, man! You shit on my house” at him, we’ve taken to the task of cleaning…
Y.P.R Is Kind of Crazy with a Spooky Little Reader Like You Recycled, but relevant: Please check out The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe’en House of Horror from way back in 2003. Oooooooooh! Mwhahahahahahah….
(Tuesday afternoon, 14:10 EST.) Senator McCain: First of all, I’d like to begin by thanking Mr. Stanley for appearing before this committee. Mr. Stanley, do you have any opening statements? Paul Stanley: OH YEAH! HOW YAH DOIN, PEEPLE? WELL, AWWRIGHT!…
Walked over to him and listed some of the other possible questions that he could have asked using common Asian stereotypes as a template:”Hey you eat dog?”“Hey you know math?”“Hey you make my car?” Directed obscene gestures toward him while…
The Dog Should Have Killed Garfield The cat plays on the fragile psyche of a self-described “mean” dog. The cat revels in his own “meanness.” I die a little inside….
The human brain is quite elaborate. It employs electrochemical mechanisms and triggers physiological responses so complex that even science has struggled to understand it all. Many scientists would, in fact, categorize the human brain as a “final frontier.” The depths…
32°F or Jon’s IQ: Which Is Higher? The fish is missing and Garfield is next to the fishbowl. Where on Earth could the fish possibly be? Don’t worry. Rather than leaving it to the scholars to debate this Holmesian mystery, Jim Davis solves it for us. Thank…
Always in that stupid blue suit. (Same one every time? His FRIDAY suit? What a loser.) And the rouge-red Kmart tie. Mr. Middle Management. I loathe his kind. Thinks he’s too good for the rest of us. I’d like to take him down a peg.
And Funky Winkerbean Languishes in Obscurity We’re not sure what’s more disturbing: the fact that this obese cat can take down an entire hamburger in one quick bite or that Jim Davis is still getting paid real American dollars to have this slapdash, idiotic piece of…
Orville Titus was kidnapped by pirates when he was nine years old. Orville was an orphan so getting kidnapped by a bunch of pirates wasn’t such a bad thing as far as he was concerned. It was a lot better…
Staring into the Abyss The owner, who appears to have less and less to live for with each passing day, waxes aloud about his seemingly interminable day. The cat, whose laziness is surpassed only by his disdain for his human counterpart, suggests that the…
A Play in One Act Never to Be Performed Ever Characters: Steve: A frequent contributor to a popular Internet humor site. 30s-ish. Sid Caesar: Star and creative force behind Your Show of Shows, whose writing staff included Mel Brooks,…
I often think about starting a wildly prolific rock band and naming it Wet Nurse, simply for the chance that after releasing nine LPs and six EPs in a two-year span, Spin will run a blurb about my tireless efforts…
Introduction In this guide we’ll explore the majesty of Venice: you’ll find out how to journey in quaint gondolas through august waterways, dine sumptuously in cozy back-alley pizzerias, and weep in bitter humiliation when a social-panic-induced diarrhea attack sends you…
Avast! Spoiler WarningIf you’re of the sort who gets all pissy about cats being let out of bags. Um, also, we should point out that the author, Ms. Verlizzo, did not forewarn the noble Y.P.R. editors and thus ruined…
Jim Davis’s First Dick Joke After stalking the cute perfume tester at the mall, Jon is sprayed with Eau de Sauerkraut, which, as the cat points out, goes well with wieners. (Get it? Wieners!)…
This Comic Strip Depresses the Shit out of Me Jon, desparate for any living attention, tells his pet of the cute girl he met at the supermarket. Sad, I know. Sadder still: the cat only cares whether its master bought doughnuts. I bet the supermarket checkout girl didn’t even…
Listen: The Y.P.R. Book Club hereby selects the entire canon of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. including the new collection, A Man without a Country. Please send forth your Kilgore Troutisms, your sketchy doodles, your decrepit old-man ramblings, your liberal, humanist, psuedo-socialist,…
Get It? Because He Ate the Bird Jon spots a single, yellow feather. “Is that a canary feather?” he asks. Garfield says, “Not anymore.” This is supposedly hilarious….
The Horror! The Horror! Good God! What the hell is going on in the Arbuckle household? This little slice into their domestic affairs leaves litte wonder as to why Jon never gets laid and Garfield is such a fat unfeeling bastard. Not to mention,…
“You, Mr. Burr, are a gay.”
Photographic documentation of a Pabst delivery to the Pulitzer Prize offices.
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