Dear Nipsey Selected E-Mails to the Poet Laureate of Television from People who Mistook the Fan Web Site Nipsey Russell’s Funky Palace for the Rhymer’s Personal Homepage The following are all [sic], except titles and redactions. N.R. ’n’ C.N.R. Subj: charles…
Million Dollar Baby Caught in an agonizing conflict between his faith and his love for Hillary Swank, Clint Eastwood elects to unplug his surrogate’s life support. After he departs covertly, a diaphanous, fey-looking Hillary Swank opens her eyes to…
“Time in a Bottle” by Jim Croce First of all, you can’t. Time is a concept. But you knew that, you’re just getting all literary. Cool. No problem. Still, the first thing you’d do is “save every day till eternity…
Following the Trail Blazed by Margaret Truman Y.P.R. contributor Frank Lesser, the crafty creator of DannyBot (“So sad, even your robot will cry”) and the Lie Girls, presents: Flora Bush: The Child Left Behind —an album recorded by the forgotten daughter of your president. Read: Curriculum Fraudium…
Pavlov Is Shuffling in His Urn Garfield begins salivating at the ring of a doorbell. When Jon presents the pizza delivered, Garfield’s wet himself with anticipatory spittle….
This One Really Sucks Jon is chillin’ in the backyard’s inflatable pool, sipping from a glass of ice water. Garfield, perspiring, sucks so hard on the drinking straw of Jon’s beverage that the poolwater is sucked up through Jon’s pores and, somehow, into the…
Donor Secrecy I am the head of a private investigations company. We have been approached by a woman whose 4-year-old child was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor. She wants us to locate the donor so that when her child turns 18, she can tell her who her biological father is. May we ethically take the case? S.P., New York
Listen, dick: anonymous sperm donors are either junkies seeking fast cash or perverts seeking cheap thrills, if not perverted junkies seeking both. Women who resort to sperm donors are just old-fashioned ugly. Best bet is for you to take this cow’s cash and tell her the bastard’s pop died a war hero.
If I were to become president, I can guarantee you, I wouldn’t hate black people. Oh hell no. The Whitey Billionaire’s Club though would be different story. He’d have another thing comin’, a niner to his smartass mouth. That’s right….
Justify My Love Jesus Christ, this cat is at it again? He’s been lying on his f@#K%ng back all week. Now he’s waxing philosphical about how overrated standing on your feet is. Someone put this lazy son of a bitch out of his…
Beware the Dust Mites As Garfield slips further and further into depression, John takes it as a display of his social ineptitude. Garfield lies prone, letting his melancholy eat away at his soul. John does not hug the cat or ask what he can…
Nappy Cat In today’s adventure, our plump protagonist muses on the origin of the nap. While he discloses that he is not directly responsible for its genesis, he does reassure his devoted followers that he did indeed have a hand (or should…
The Cowboys 500 Fountainview Plaza Suite #610 Ward, Texas The Pirates General Delivery Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda Dear Pirates, This town isn’t big enough for the both of us. And by “this town,” we mean “the retro-childish zone of American…
The Setting: A movie theater, at a screening of The Man starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy
Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Dude just peed in the pool! Teen Ghost #2: This movie is hilarious, bro! Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!
Bahahahaha! Oh man, it hurts. This was a real doozy. I subscribe to some advertising and media industry newsletters and one just came in today that had a poll asking which show would be the season’s biggest hit. Among the…
Jon Arbuckle and the Spiders from Mars O.K., you ready? Figure out this humdinger: Jon ponders, “Who knows? Maybe there are beings on other planets.” And Garfield think-replies, “Yeah … Chickens would be nice,” bearing some nefarious-looking fangs. What the fuck? This makes zero sense….
From: redevildog@yahoo.com To: angel_eyes1257@aol.com Subject: Tonight … and beyond! Dear Angela (such an appropriate name! Like the angels!) I wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time tonight, and I hope that you would like…
Raining Cats Jon blames Garfield for everything except the weather, but Garfield wants to assume blame for that too. Presumably there’s humor somewhere?…
— I like singing, watching TV (Eight Is Enough!), and writing in my journal. — Apologies, my English is poor and for writing there is this nub of coal and this soiled rag only.
Dork Calling Orson The dork calls for a pizza. By way of handwritten oak-tag sign, the cat instructs him to order something larger than large, and calls him a dork in the process. The dork cannot recognize a direct address without a comma,…
Dealing with Dealers I live in a gentrifying neighborhood. Someone on the block is dealing drugs that, I recently learned, are less benign than I’d assumed; he’s dealing crystal meth. I believe that the drug laws are overly punitive, and I’ve never had…
“Meow.” The cat displays its first ever bit of feline behavior, purring for its master. The cat then admits that its contrived mew was, indeed, sappy….
The Scene: None, except for one prop—a single piece of paper folded into an accordion. Enter Actor. Picks up piece of paper, holds it in the middle, and places it under his nose—a moustache. He is now the Evil Landlord. Evil Landlord: You must pay the rent!…
Little Mouse Feet A mouse questions the cat regarding the whereabouts of his slippers. The cat ate them, but swiftly regurgitates the rhodent’s footware, amazingly whole….
How You Say, “Michel”? “For the new novel, however, having paid Mr. Houellebecq (pronounced WELL-beck) a reported $1.2 million advance, his publisher, Éditions Fayard, has taken no chances.” “The French Still Obsess Over Novelist of Despair” by Alan Riding, The New York Times, Sept….
Happy Cat The ubiquitous kitty is seen reveling in his message of hope, of dreams fulfilled. When pushed further by his mildly retarded owner, the feline reveals the context: a shopping list of food!…
The Cat Smiles The gluttonous cat exhibits a Cheshirelike inability to drop his creepy grin, even for a second. It is because he consumed his master’s last doughnut….
Cat Nap The blissful, open-mouthed vapidity of the dog, combined with the goofy ineptitude of his mentally disabled owner, causes the cat to rhetorically ask if there’s any wonder why he chooses to spend three-fourths of his day asleep….
Schrödinger’s Call The cat dials the local pizzeria and attempts to confound his mentally disabled owner by pretending the pizza dispatcher has called and wishes to speak to him….
Doing Our Part Y.P.R. faithful, We’re rarely serious (ask our parents, bosses, wives, fiancées, roommates and the people at Starbucks who correct us when we insist upon ordering a “large” coffee rather than bow to their needlessly complicated coffee-ordering nomenclature), but there are…
“There will be pictures of bodies falling from the twin towers, beheaded kidnapping victims in Iraq and corpses still floating in the waterways of New Orleans five days after the disaster that caused them. It’s already clear this will be known as the grueling decade, the Hobbesian decade.”
—from “The Bursting Point,” an Op-Ed column by David Brooks in The New York Times, Sunday, September 4, 2005.
Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron’s estate sale: Mark well my weapon finger, good my men, But mark this dog my fuckfinger aloft.
More Graydonesque Haha Pitching to Cousin Graydon by K. Robinson Carter, part of last year’s Writers-on-Writing Series, and Postmodern Irony Final Exam by Josh Abraham….
Lame Ducks and Rocket Launchers Hi there. It’s me again. Guess what? George W. Bush is still in the White House in the midst of a second-term presidency and he’s still actively waging an unwinnable war at the cost of…
The Iraqi Bill of Rights First Amendment—Freedom of Speech, Press, and Peaceable Assembly All Iraqis (except women, Sunnis, and Kurds), shall have the right of unabridged speech and press, and the right to assemble peaceably, so long as they keep…
To: TV Development V.P.s From: Office of the President, Network Programming Re: Reality Programming—Tentative Pilots for Next Season Senior Home A live-camera look at daily life in a nursing home in Piscataway, New Jersey. Seniors picked as contestants will have…
“We couldn’t rule out the possibility that certain experiments could potentially alter the cognitive or emotional status of the animal in ways that would be problematic from an ethical point of view.”—Dr. Ruth Faden, biomedical ethicist, Johns Hopkins University Tallulah,…
Transcript of January 15, 1984 Telephone Conversation Glenda: Hello. Voice: Glenda Cleaver? Glenda: This is she. Voice: I am calling on behalf of the Harvard University student-loan program. You are six months behind on your payments. (Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” swells.)…
Kabbalah Energy Drink, which is packaged in a 16-ounce red, white and blue can, contains taurine—thought to help regulate heart rates, maintain cell membrane stability and detoxify the body—B vitamins and caffeine. The company says celebrities Madonna, Guy Ritchie, Ashton…
The Puck Stops Here Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, breaks down the new N.H.L. in “They’re Puttin’ On the Foil!” over at “La Mesa Negra.” Lace up your skates and have a read….
sad face: Hey, man, what’s going down, yo. happy face: Aww, doo, what’s up with your bad self?? sad face: Ya know, ya know. Keepin’ it rizzo in the shizzo. happy face: I heard what you just said. sad face:…
Thanks for coming. You find it all right? I hope the directions were O.K. Some people get lost at the Maple Path part, but you just keep going, past the forest and over the hill until you hear the heartbeat…
At Hogwarts School did Rowling’s spawn A stately treasure-dome decree: Where Cash, the sacred stream rushed on, Through vaulted caves with sunlight gone Down to a deep green sea. So twice five miles of well-worn ground With walls and towers…
Memo: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Guy. O.K., O.K., O.K., I know it’s five o’clock, but seriously, they needed this yesterday. This will take less than a minute, I swear to you, so let’s bang this out real quick right…
Instead of mourning for godfather Sirius Black, Harry should spill a forty in his dead homie’s honor. Quidditch should be dropped as Hogwarts’ official school sport; perhaps And-1’s roster of notorious ‘Playaz’ could be employed to hasten the conversion to…
H.P.: Hi, there. I’m Harry Potter and this is my friend, Prince Harry. His mother was Princess Di. He doesn’t really look much like Prince Charles, which has led to some discussion about whether he is actually Prince Charles’ son….
Everything was going swimmingly for Harry Potter while he was at Hogwarts until he hit what would be the equivalent of the 10th-grade for a Muggle. During Harry’s second semester that year, he began to develop what we Muggles refer…
“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding.” The entire courtroom, including Harry, Hermione, and their lawyers, stood as Dumbledore walked through a door and up to the bench where he was to preside…
AdAge had an article just the other day talking about how major advertisers can’t control the online space like they’d want. They’re busy wrestling with the hard-to-control content. Ohhhhh, aren’t they strong. Actually, they are. If they can force a…
This Isn’t Working Our friends over at Drink at Work will be débuting their new play, This Isn’t Working, part of the 2005 New York International Fringe Festival, starting this Saturday, August 13th. You can catch all the times, dates, and other extraneous…
We’ll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors … Hello Y.P.R-keteers! We just wanted to poke our heads in the room for a moment to let you know that Y.P.R. will be back with brand-spanking-new content on August 15, 2005. For now, please peruse our copious archives of content…
We Should Go Hat-Shopping Together Sometime, Pt. II Hi Jimmy, Just read an acticle about your huge head [“My Huge Head,” April 10, 2003]. Exactly what is the size in cm or inches? My head is 62 cm (24 inches). Just wondered if my head is large or…
Welcome to the Dog Days Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, tackles the first week of August. “Incoming! August 1, 2005,” at The Black Table. Read it and sweat….
The Singing of “God Bless America” During the Seventh Inning Stretch | The Overwhelming Preponderance of Central A.C. Even in Cities That Are Not Really That Hot in the Summer, Leading to General Decline in Moral Fortitude of Today’s Youth | Impossibility of Purchasing High-Powered Explosive Fireworks at Any Cost Even in Redneck States | M.G.D. Still Packaged in Solar-Contraindicated Black Can Thereby Ensuring Warm Beer in Approximately 30 Seconds | Everybody Wearing Hawaiian Shirts Instead of Just (A) Hawaiians, (B) Robin Williams, and (C) The Guy on the Corner in Your Town Who Has No Job and Nobody Knows Why | Bomb Pops Any Color but Red-White-and-Blue | No One Drinks Fucking Kool-Aid Anymore | Too Many Kids on “Swim Teams” and “Dive Teams” Instead of Doing Cannonballs with Their Friends
In my office building the other day, I looked up at the you-have-no-option-but-to-stare-mindlessly-at-me-news clips screen in the elevator and felt exceedingly empty. No, it’s not because I’m Australian. I felt empty for Captivision, the editor/information-gathering Oompa Loompas who feed Captivision…
Hello, I am Manesh! I pick the bread. I am Manesh the bread picker! You tell me what type of bread you want for your sandwich and I pick it out for you!
So it’s been a while since that undergrad art history class where you staggered in hung over and fell asleep after the second slide was shown. Or maybe you managed to forget a little bit too much about that relationship…
Here he cometh, a 6’9”, 240-pound man-child, wearing a black Nike skullcap, a white T-shirt, and baggy shorts. For if there cometh unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a…
[Dramatis Personae.] Dr. Squat, English Professor ExtraordinaireA Serviceable Villain, the Thane of AcademiaThe Walrus, God Act V, Scene 2 [Trumpet sounds, English garden, waiting for the sun. Enter Dr. Squat, A Serviceable Villain, and The Walrus.] The Walrus: I am…
Many of you will never have heard of the game daringly named “cards.” This may be because you have working-class friends—or for another of a variety of reasons. However, this leads me from the point—that point being that I don’t…
People Who Take Classes in Improv Comedy | Bloggers | People Who Still Wear Birkenstocks When They Could Be Wearing Tevas | People Who Shop at Costco | People of the Bottled Water Industry | People Not in the Military Using the Abbreviation “Gitmo” | Whoever Thought of Cross-Breeding the Cocker Spaniel and the Poodle | Californians—The Whole Lot of Them | The Producers of NBC’s Today Show | Whoever Is Stealing Our Scissors | The Current Inhabitants of the White House
Muggles, Mudbloods, & Morons The Y.P.R. Book Club hereby declares Harry Potter and the Half-Baked Clam by J. K. Rowling its next selection. We’d like to see your magical parodies, deleted chapters, musical adaptations, illustrations, etc., whether you’ve read the book or not. Please…
Caveman Someday I want to go spelunking again with 400,000 albino epileptics with tails. I haven’t done it since I was a sperm. * * * Yamahaha I’m thinking about replacing my vital organs with a synthesizer….
Ooh, Jim, take a picture. No, not of the Tower, you dunce—we already have a million of those. Turn around. All the way. Use your eyes! Well, I’m not going to point it out for you. Yes, finally. Isn’t that…
The last time I checked in here was a long time ago. There are a few reasons for that. Number one being I’m arguably the laziest man alive. I spent many years of half-assed writing to arrive at a point…
Project One Working Title: H & H Old friends, both playwrights, sit in a Greenwich Village café and discuss their contrasting views of life—Wallace Shawn claims that life is essentially comic, while Tony Roberts sees life as overwhelmingly itchy….
Will the Real Alvy Singer Please Stand Up (Please Stand Up)? Stephen Rose. [Courtesy Susan Scott Lookalikes.] Antonello Avallone. [Courtesy something in Italian.] Not Woody. [Courtesy Jam Entertainment.] Not Woody and not Soon-Yi, either. [Courtesy Clowning Around.] Not Woody. [Courtesy a sidewalk in Oviedo, Spain.]…
So what do we call this thing? Two Million Dollar Baby? How about Billion Dollar Baby? What about Million Dollar Kid or Million Dollar Lady? Or Million Dollar Dog. I’ve never seen a boxing dog movie before. Three Men and…
No — they fail you! As if they don’t, as well, sometimes also fail you, too. Sometimes. Bore Vidal. Just fuckin’ with you, man. Yeah? Well, self-defense fails you. Fat lips fail Gore Vidal. [Note: could lead to retaliatory…
We’ve all been at that point: lonely, desperate, horny as hell. Computers are all around us. Why not pair up the two? Voilà!—Internet dating (well, after you use the computer for something else, that is). Simple, right? But it doesn’t…
As I picked up a recent copy of Time magazine (April 25, 2005), I casually stroked the middle buttons of my fly with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand and realized that I was unquestionably terrified of this…
Characters Pride — JerryEnvy — ElaineSloth — GeorgeGluttony — Kramer Scene: Pride’s apartment. Pride, Envy, and Sloth are standing around the kitchen. We come in the middle of a conversation. Pride: I could go without it for a couple of…
Sally Forth Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don’t, but found this in our archives: Fourth of July Fourthiness. Independence is on the march, patriots….
Come as you are. Load up on guns and bring your friends. Come out and play. Take out your clothes. Spring is here again—reproductive glands. Take your time, hurry up. Choice is yours—don’t be late. I’m so excited I can’t…
Man, you get jaded as a critic, sitting in your underwear waiting for the mailman to deliver the latest tired release from Neil Young, the latest rehashed Americana crap from that small-town bastard Mellencamp. You hold out hope for the…
Attn: N.Y.C.-Area Actors There’s a casting call for an independent film seeking your dramatic talents and pretty faces. Plus: the chance to be directed by your humble Y.P.R. coëditor, Josh Abraham. Details via Back Stage magazine reproduced here, but please do check out…
Who Wants to Watch “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Hey, kids! Do you like the TV? As many of you know by now, Geoff Wolinetz, your humble coëditor, taped an episode of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” in December of last year. The show is no longer hosted…
The Opposable Thumb I don’t care what it says— hitchhiking is dangerous. * * * Two against One Fighting a pregnant woman was my first mistake. * * * Superstition My lucky number is four….
It’s hard to believe that 17 years ago the Human Gnome Project formally began. It was quite frankly a great day for all of us gnomes as we thought we had finally gained the attention and respect we deserved as…
So I drove down to the airport to pick up James Tenney. Oh, I don’t know … I been knowin’ him for years now and I’m not sure it is how we met, probably at some wife-swapping key…
[Ring, ring.] Bringer of Storms, how may I direct your call? I’m sorry, he’s not here right now … O.K. Well, if I could help in any way. Well, fine, if that’s the way. If that’s . ….
Taxi Driver: Where to, guv? Tom Waits: Wanna go town, town, town, and don’t call me that name, I said town, town, town, or I’ll take the train. Taxi Driver: All right, ’Old your ’air on. Whereabouts? …
Actual lyric: “Blinded by the light, revved up like a deuce, another runner in the night.” — “Blinded by the Light” by Manfred Mann Misheard as: “Animal robots at the post office will slice off your fingertips.” Actual lyric:…
Thank you for purchasing The 76 Stages of Heartbreak by William Layman. Your order will be shipped shortly. People who ordered this book also bought Healing Your Heart by Joanne Belonsky, The Lonely Planet Sex Tour of Thailand, and Getting…
1. I bring a runny nose and too many tank tops. Beth and I share a bed even though she’s still mad at me from the plane, from when she said Tommy meant nothing to her and I said she…
Yes because he never did a thing like that before as ask to have a Pierre Deux basket for breakfast all those croissants and little jams Perrier like we did with that bat Mrs Riordan when shed meet us…
You are repressed, but you’re remarkably dressed. Is it real? And you’re always busy, really busy, busy, busy. The rain falls hard on a humdrum town; this town has dragged you down …
One Ben and I break up a few months after the aliens arrive in America. During the first few days after their landing, we promise to stay together forever and that nothing will tear us apart. Actually, it’s him who…
A group of college students walk down the street, accidentally bumping into a group of locals. Local: Hey, watch it! Ben Q., sophomore: (Muttering.) Once off the campus, this non-centralized community lacks adequate public transportation. Local #2: Oh yeah? The…
From: Webmaster To: Hoobastank Street Team Hey, gang—I just wanted to throw a few ideas out there to those of you who are rallying on the message boards and MP3 blogs to get the word out! Hoobastank is out on…
Grenada (1983-1984) — Grover from “Sesame Street.” He zooms through the sky, smarter than a speeding bullet, furrier than a powerful locomotive, able to lead tall sandwiches in a single bound! Is it an eggplant? A meatball? No! It’s…
From Code Name: Operation Mongoose: After some initial misgivings, you decide to authorize the Bay of Pigs invasion. Your policies of economic and diplomatic estrangement have done nothing to weaken Castro’s power, and the whole thing with the mafia and…
J.S.F., Loud & Close This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicited your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you’ve read the book or not. Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Blockby Angela Genusa…
“Family Values” in Times Square | The Relative Paucity of Large-Scale Civic Arts Projects by People from Europe with One Name | Those Little Blue-on-White Greek Diner Coffee Cups | The General Failure of Present-Day N.Y.C. to Be Like Taxi Driver | The Proliferation of Au Bon Pain like the Manhattan McDonald’s It’s Become
My name is Oskar Schell, I am nine years old, I am obsessed with encyclopedic trivia and I have writer’s block. One potato kugel, two potato kugel, three potato kugel, four. I could have a googolplex potatoes. A googol to…
The following is a selection of testimonials from several people who claim to have crossed paths with Jonathan Safran Foer: His Cleaning Lady In beginning Jonathan was more nice of man and more like just nice boy. He says hello…
I wrote, Dear Stephen Hawking. And then I crossed it out and wrote, Dear Nicole. And then I wrote you a whole letter on a ribbonless typewriter. And then I put a key in the envelope. And then I…
From: The Law Offices of Gimmy, Moore, & Lykitt, L.L.C. Dear Mr. Foer; We have been retained by Mr. Jim Carrey in a matter of copyright infringement concerning your latest book. We refer you to this statement in paragraph one…
Imagine vacuuming. Now, imagine the vacuum weighs 350 pounds. Now, imagine this 350-pound vacuum has a rotating blade that can take off a man’s hand. Imagine that it does, only sometimes it’s not a hand. Sometimes it’s a leg. Sometimes…
Today I tore my ass-less pants when I tried to do a karate kick. It’s the exact same kick I did countless times when we laid down the “Jump” video way back in the Panama-hot summer of 1984. Dude,…
One of Whitman’s Leaves of Grass Responds It started with a corpulent guy who loafed and looked for my soul, crawling on soft knees searching for stem and stone, bearded head lifted toward leaves and branches, looking for something…
The day begins with Genusa’s take on the classic getting out of bed, which is beyond belief on every level. She staggers to the coffee pot, to the tune of “Blister in the Sun.” Jesus, talk about a buzzkill. Caffeine,…
Thanks, Bob. There’s a lot going on in my life this weekend, so let’s get started. Ex-girlfriend Donna is moving the rest of her stuff out as planned in an icy cold front Friday during rush hour, which is going…
A dawn in me, there is. Awake, I am. To be awake is to be alive. Met another who is awake, I have not. How would I look him in the eye? Three feet tall, I am.
In the summer of 1993 I purchased a mounted armadillo for my natural history collection at a barbecue restaurant in Memphis, not because I agreed with the proprietor that it looked like Edwin Booth, the famous Shakespearean actor of the…
—It still makes me so sad, here, what, almost thirty years later. —Let it go, my friend. I have. —Sure, it’s easy for you, being, you know, pure spirit and all. —Sure. —Still, isn’t there a hankering, a yearning…
Concept: Hybrid Barbie ® Description: Barbie doll powered by both conventional gasoline engine, as well as an electric motor. Pro: Barbie is emissions-compliant. Con: No one can figure out a good place for the gas nozzle to go in. It…
The Logical Reason We’re sorry, but trying to portray the thoughts, feelings, and motives of irrational people is actually impossible. Please, think clearly before you react. Irrationality precludes meaning, does it not? And meaning is what fiction is all about,…
Photographs in The New Yorker | Broadway Musicals That Are Just a Bunch of Pop Songs Grafted onto a Completely Bogus Plot | “Hands-Free” Devices That Make It Increasingly Difficult to Tell the Difference between People Who Are Merely Annoyingly Busy and People Raving Like Madmen at Themselves in the Street | The Proliferation of “I ♥ NY” Rip-offs
Dear Bob, I am writing from a hotel room in Hackensack, New Jersey. You’ll see the lovely stationery they offer their guests—for free. I had not expected this because in the establishments I am forced to patronize while on your…
Secret #15 Sometimes I lie about my age Secret #27 I think mustaches are sexy Secret #29 I carry a rabbit’s foot with me on my first dates Secret #36 My favorite Beatle is Ringo Secret #46 I whistle…
Now that others are “outing” Ms. Abdul, I feel the need and desire to talk about what she and I had together back in the mid 1980s. It was simply a mismatch of worlds, but for a few wonderful months,…
A chance meeting in a crowded sports bar … Godzilla: Oh my God, you’re Godzilla—the baseball player! Hideki Matsui: Oh my God, you’re Godzilla—the giant monster! G: My kid watches all your games on TV. H.M: My kid…
¡Flashback de Mayo! Hey, remember Cinco de Mayo, 2003? Neither do we! ¡Cinco de Mayo! A Message from the Mexican Minister of Tourism ¿What Are We Doing with Our Empty Corona Bottles? ¡Don’t Want No Mexican Radio! ¡How We’re Celebrating Cinco de…
Mr. McClellan: Hello, children. I’m happy to be speaking with you as a part of your Junior Achievement program. A couple of things, first of all, and then I’ll take your questions. The president, when he heard that I was…
Friday Night! Friday had finally arrived! I remember I had 26 more fishhooks to bend and then I could’ve gone home. Of course, Ebenezer Buckwalds, my employer in the Fishhook Industry, somehow managed to find 200 unbent fishhooks under my…
THE MUSICAL COMEDY ON BROADWAY is constant as a star, though in the luminescence of the New York skyline, or weather-permitting, sometimes difficult to glimpse. And pondering the stars in the firmament, whether in wishful desire or true appreciation of…
December 3, 1988 I gave birth. Wow. Baby is a miracle. I could hold baby all day. Baby is reason Mommy was put on earth. Comment (0) December 5, 1988 Daddy is shaving. Baby is crying. Mommy is tired. Comment…
Dear Abba, I’m in love with my boss. I’ve talked it over with my mom but she says I shouldn’t do anything about it. She doesn’t want to see me get fired from this job (which I cherish) if the…
What follows is a transcript of a conversation between Gene Simmons, the bassist for the rock band KISS, and Terry Gross, host of NPR’s “Fresh Air,” originally broadcast on February 4th, 2002, with Mr. Simmons’s responses replaced by those of…
Exceedingly Cagey and Awfully Precocious This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you’ve read the book or not. Please point your ingenuity this-a-way: hasselhoff@yankeepotroast.org. Recycled but relevant:…
Dick Cheney: Mr. President, the latest poll numbers on Social Security reform are in. George W. Bush: Dick, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times—I don’t care about the polls. The Lord is telling me how…
Never sit less than 10 inches from the steering wheel because if the airbag inflates, you may be injured, up to, and including, decapitation. The air bag is not a pillow, or a toy, and must be kept out of…
Hidden Affikomen “Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder” “Some Things You Ought to Have Mentioned before You Brought Me, Your Irish-Catholic Boyfriend, to Meet Your Parents at My First Seder Ever with Your Orthodox Family”…
The biological and social differences between men and women are numerous, and they cause us a great deal of sexual anxiety that can be relieved through humor.
The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem Hello, dear readers! I’m Michael Chabon, the world’s most successful comic-book fanboy and the beloved, hunky writer of Wonder Boys and Spider-Man 2. Residents of Berkeley might also recognize me as the sensitive hunk Mr. December from the “Literary Beefcake”…
Q: What’s all this stuff I keep hearing about Social Security? A: Oh, nothing. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. Everything’s going to be fine. The President has everything under control. He’s just going to privatize it. It will…
Me: Hello, CNN. It’s nice to see you. We haven’t spoken for a while. What’s new? CNN: Here are tonight’s top stories. The stepfather of the teenager at the center of the Michael Jackson trial testifies. The Vatican will open…
The Word “Conflicted,” as in “To Feel Conflict” | People Who Say “Often” by Pronouncing the “T” | The Word “Liaise,” as in “He Will Liaise with Marketing.” | Spelling “Theater” Like This: “Theatre” | Goyim Who Use Yiddish Too Much |
I hate deciding which book to read. The smallest things sway me. A seagull overhead makes me reach for Lord Jim. The temperature drops to minus one and I’m hunkering down with Miss Smilla’s Feeling for Snow. If I feel…
Salaam alaikum, fellow Sand Cats! It is I, Mint Teabag. For those of you not familiar with that particular moniker, I also went by Bejeweled Dagger-Dick and Crust-Eye. I was excited when the mullahs finally lifted that ban on Internet…
Greetings, alums! It’s hard to believe that it’s been 10 years already! It’s so nice to read these GryphoNotes when they come in my mailbox. While so much has happened in these past years, I still feel like Ramapo High…
Sam Lipsyte, distinguished alumnus Y.P.R. What is written about or to you in your high-school yearbook? Sam Lipyste Herewith I offer a few inscriptions from my yearbook, with annotations where needed, and names removed. 1. From a guy I used to drink with:…
My guide to out-of-body travel, Dr. Morris Goldblatt, Ph.D., tells me that I can simulate my upcoming journey in the following way: Affix a mirror to the ceiling of an elevator, lie on the floor of the elevator so that…
Dr. Phil: My first guest tonight is a man who has some impulse-control problems. Raskolnikov: What do you want? When will you leave off tormenting me? Dr. Phil: Hold it right there. Seems to me you need an attitude…
Let’s say that you’re reading a short story by some guy named Jeff Haas when he decides to make you the protagonist. You’d have to admit that you’re in a pretty precarious position right off the bat, as Mr. Haas…
Day 1 Donna at CareerLaunchers wakes me around nine with a job that just opened up. The catch is it’s in Vatican City. I ask if that’s in Queens, and she says no, Italy. As I’m wondering if it’s worth…
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005 An Obituary for the Pontiff, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Information Karol Wojtyla was born May 18, 1920 in Wadowice, Poland. He was 5’ 10” tall (1.78 m). He is sometimes credited as Papez…
1. Auditorium One day, I went into a restaurant to have my dinner. I waited for a long time, but no waiter served me. Seeing the people eating with great relish, I went to the chief of the dining…
WASHERS There are eleven machines in all, but for simplicity’s sake, we’ll eliminate the one with two out of three knobs missing, the one with an ominous X of duct tape over the lid, and the one with “brokken” scrawled…
Uncle Sam’s Ant Farm Ants from the same colony are generally very loving to each other, but if you mix ants from different colonies, they will fight. Don’t mix your ants and start a war! Unless, of course, it’s in…
Thank You speeches from McDonald’s Employee of the Month, a Possible Publisher’s Clearinghouse winner, and the bearer of card with ten holes punched entitling patron to a free eleventh sandwich.
Tired of word games at home? Do you need to spice up your literary life, recharge your repartée? Ellipses Guiding Services offers the finest in extreme literary entertainment. In addition to our old favorites, the Jack London Disappointment Peak Climb…
As op-ed columnists have recently announced, something called a “blog” (short for “Web log”) has become very popular on something called the “Internet.” As savvy parodists with an eye for hilarious new trends, you are undoubtedly putting aside your unfinished…
to: R.N.C. Chair from: Karl Rove re: Viability of Captain America, Captain Marvel (a.k.a. “Shazam”), and Black Lightning as Presidential Candidates Despite the 3% margin of victory during the recent election—an overwhelming mandate, quite certainly—it is well known that the…
It comes with great sadness and shame that I admit to using steroids while writing stories for Internet humor websites in 2004. Each time before sitting down to write I would inject myself with anabolic steroids. A lot of it….
Hi-ho, fellow travelers. We come to you this week with one simple thought: Wouldn’t it be GREAT if things were better than they really are? Not so quick.
Lesson 1: The Bear at the Front Door It is a common saying among writing instructors that a good short story should begin with, “a bear at the front door.” This is taken by many to mean that a dilemma…
5 a.m. I woke up five minutes before my alarm clock. The next five minutes, I spent thinking mediocre, pleasant, and, ultimately, breakfast-related thoughts. I love bagels, I thought. I felt profound and I felt that life was very profound…
Dear Reader, The book of poems you are about to read marks the arrival of a gifted new writer to the literary scene. His voice, as you will quickly discover in this début collection, glimmers with raw energy, imagination, and…
She plans to book into the hotel just after 1:30 p.m. The schedule her secretary gave her before she set out this morning stipulated that the check-in time was 2 p.m., but she is certain that being 30 minutes early…
The Failure to Name Children “Mick” or “Mickey” | The Proliferation of Child Protection Devices in Otherwise Convenient and R-Rated Homes | Lunchables | Holiday Cards Featuring Your Teenage Daughters at the Beach | Kanye West
Calling All Catamounts Guten tag, Valley Cats! Y.P.R. solicits your alumni updates, yearbook scribblings, and passed-notes to high-school crushes along with the usual reviews, parodies, deleted chapters, etc., for this month’s Book Club selection: Sam Lipsyte’s Home Land. K.I.T.! ypr-@-yankeepotroast-.-org…
Arrrrrtwork Behold “Three Jokes about Pirates,” a short piece of humor writing, and a digital painting, and a short film, sort of, via arrrrt.com’s artPad, by Dennis DiClaudio, (who really ought to get the lead out). (Viewing tip: Set the…
“A Mr. Hamlet to see you, sir,” said Jeeves, having floated into the room as noiselessly as a fakir popping up in the middle of some sort of ritual pillow fight in the Far East. Hammy’s an old University…
Andrei Codrescu, exquisite corpse Y.P.R. 1. Hey, what’s up? A.C. Nothing as far as I can see, but that’s bound to change as soon as they reverse my mood. Mr. Codrescu is a poet, novelist, an essayist, a screenwriter, a columnist for N.P.R., and…
I am on the hunt. My hands feel gritty against the stock of my rifle. Sweat and dirt have tightened my grip. I turn to my faithful friend, Hobbes. “Do you have the scent of the prey?” “What prey?”…
Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink! Some spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgments regarding Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: The Power of Winking without Blinking.
Music Too Hot for Work | People with Jobs That Make No Sense | Concern Over “The Obesity Epidemic” | Ringtones That Sound Either Like (A) Actual Songs, Not Cheesy Casio Synth-Songs or (B) Like Actual 1930s Telephones | “G-d”
Day 1: It has taken me a while to get my bearings. I spent an unknown amount of time disoriented and unconscious, but I’m more lucid now and more comfortable. This environment is stifling and odorous. The best I can…
Scenario 1: My Father I’m watching “Evening at the Improv” in the mid-90s when my father enters the room. “What are you watching?” he says. “This comedienne named Ellen DeGeneres,” I say. “She’s pretty funny.” He snorts. “Looks like a…
… , rub his eyes, stare in disbelief, and finally call his lawyers is what Paul Simon did when he realized Garfunkel had published a pseudonymous memoir. (As if those damn Norwegians weren’t headache enough. Now this!) Did…
This book is not going to help your fiction. Seriously. Don’t buy it for that. I mean, buy it if you really want to read it, but don’t buy it just because you think it’s got some revolutionary thing to…
Y.P.R. 3.1 O.K., Y.P.R.keteers, we’re back again and this time everything’s more or less working smoothly. The site’s archives are being built up quite slowly, and you may find some links or pages to be working screwy. Wally, our tech assistant, is…
IHappy ChristmasDarkening my day is the story already having leaked of Comet and Blitzen, selling their meaty, raw, tiny charges into slavery—their rotten and embarrassing behavior, now dubbed ‘Reindeer Syndrome’ by some Eastern Syndicate—the latest en vogue disease to get…
I play a jaw-harp. You can call it a trump, a drumbla, a génggong, or a scacciapensieri; a vargan, a marranzanu, a kubing, or a good ol’ jew’s-harp, but there’s no mistaking the rhythmic, aggressive, driving beat of a metal…
Get Yr Blink On. The Y.P.R. Book Club solicits your spur-of-the-moment, off-the-cuff, split-second, ad-lib snap judgements regarding Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink: The Power of Thinking without Thinking. Send us your reviews, parodies, deleted chapters, etc. by February 28th, 2005. Blink! 100 bonus points if…
Date: December 26, 1991 yakov smirnoff: I just wanted to stop by in person to thank you again, Morty, for the booking at the Flamingo. This is a big one; I couldn’t be more excited. Back in Russia, they…
Sasha Frere-Jones, music critic You’re in a time machine that’s powered by musical zeitgeist: it can traverse the time-space continuum, but its landing coordinates can only be programmed for, say, Manchester, late 70s, or Seattle, circa 1991, etc. Which music scene would you visit, and why?
Everyone in my neighborhood, I suspect, leaves for work at the same time. We drive along the main road between our development and the highway, where the funnel of an entrance ramp backs us up as far as the llama…
THE CHARACTERS: William, a boy Billiam, a boy Six attack dogs (more optional) THE SCENE: Springtime. William and Billiam play stickball in a small, fenced-in yard, with William pitching and Billiam at bat. The fence is about as tall as…
Fairly-Priced, No Haggle Car Dealerships | Holiday Music Performed in Cool, Cutting-Edge Styles | The Passing of Téa Leoni from National-Level Consciousness | The Bill Murray-ization of Adam Sandler
Rapid Eye Movements Dear Y.P.R., Seriously—that blinking Malcolm Gladwell freaks me out. Make it stop. I’m going to have trouble sleeping tonight. Yours, Brian Graham…
Y.P.R. 3.0 Folks, Welcome. As you can see, we’ve finally caught up with late-20th Century technology. Our upgrade is still underway, and you’ll notice most of our archive links go nowhere. Please be patient with us as we rejigger our gears over…
Music for the Masses Hey, kids! Do you like the rock ‘n’ roll? If so, head on over to Matthew Tobey’s City of Floating Blogs to check out the O.C.D.-enabled megalist of 500 bestest songs ever, compiled from suggestions by the Internet’s finest…
Dear Wikipedia Dear Wikipedia, Recently we took off on an endeavor for a publishing house that required one single piece of information about nearly one thousand individuals: We needed to know their date of birth. Since we live in a nation…
From Nairobi with Love Geoff, Someone just e-mailed me your rather innovative letter to Lesotho, which I’ve pasted below to refresh your memory. Let me say plainly, despite your assertion to the contrary, that I’ve never touched Lesotho soil, or anyplace else on Lesotho….
It’s Shauna, but Most Guys Call Me Shawna. Well, I don’t think there’s any way of figuring out the spelling, because according to the (supposedly) original script (http://www.hundland.com/scripts/FerrisBuellersDayOff.txt), on page 189, it’s: BOY: What’s your name? JEANIE: Jean. What’s yours? BOY: Garth Volbeck. And that’s all these grubby…
MMIV Wrap-Up In January of this year, as this humble journal was approaching its first anniversary, our pioneering colleagues at Haypenny announced that the time had come to close its imaginary doors forever. Y.P.R. was shocked and saddened by this news,…
Dear Friends and Family, As the holiday season approaches, our family would like to share news of the extraordinary changes and growth we’ve experienced this year. As many of you know, my husband Frank has been prone to embarrassing bouts…
Dear Sis, Merry Christmas to you all! It sure is nice getting your Christmas letters each year. Sisters should be close. I sure am glad everything’s fine with you all. Vice President of Marketing. You must be so proud of…
Hi, Jim has testicular cancer. Pray for him. He’s doing OKAY but pray for him. The growth has reëmerged in his left testicle. We’re hoping to get him out of the hospital for Christmas. If we do get to take…
Dear Friends: It’s been an EXPLOSIVE 2004 for the Jones family. You WON’T BELIEVE when you hear what’s been happening. First, in a SHOCKING TWIST in late March, a routine inspection of the septic tank reveals a COSTLY corrosion problem…
December, 2004 Dear Madame; The White House has recently been informed that you have created a new Nativity scene, with biblical characters being portrayed by wax sculptures of sports legends, entertainers, and political leaders. The White House tries to…
Dear Dr. Phil, Thank you for submitting your application for the director’s position at the National Institutes of Health. As the N.I.H. is the principal force guiding America’s efforts in medical research, we have strived to consider every candidate’s application…
Freeze! This Is a Bust! The buxom broads at Bust magazine have had the good taste to select Y.P.R.’s Bea Arthur T-shirt as part of its 2004 Holiday Gift Guide. Yup, there we are: right under “Gifts for Your Gay Boyfriend.” Huh. Um. Available in…
“Never trust nobody & you’ll live a long life.” —Edna Peatree A woman slips a note into a copy of the latest Reader’s Digest on sale at a shop at Dallas airport. The note reads: Hi. I’m Muffy. I’m young…
The song “American Pie,” by Don McLean has been heavily analyzed since it was first released in 1972. As with many popular songs containing largely symbolic lyrics such as “Stairway to Heaven” or “Hotel California,” the song’s meaning is examined…
I knew nothing of the world. Experience abandoned me to my adolescent womb, my senses dull from disuse. Then, one day, I ran away. I ran and the strong ones followed, determined to invalidate my freedom. When they got close,…
Now, I know there are some in the liberal élite who frown on incorporating a falafel into hot sex, especially when it comes to teaching kids how to have hot sex with a falafel, but those high-minded intellectuals are so out of touch with today’s society that I don’t really care what they think.
Oooooooh, yeah! Friends, Macho Man’s gonna tell you a little story right now. In one corner, we have the people who represent good, clean American living. They’re the people that pay their taxes on time. They’re the people that are…
Deborah Feinberg, photographer. Bill O’Reilly, author/subject. Deborah: Bill! Where the hell are you? We only got twenty minutes here. O’Reilly: I was just looking for something. I had this idea. Deborah: Come on outta there. I got everything set up….
I’ve searched all over for cameras, and I got those egg cartons up now, so nobody can listen through the walls. I even balanced a bottle on the door knob, so we’ll know if someone jiggles it. I think it’s…
Hey kids, Bill O’Reilly here, and I’ve got some tips for you in regards to the kind of toys you should have if you want to grow up to be a stand-up guy or gal. But first, the Talking Points:…
Morons Folks— I’m assuming that it wasn’t ironic on the table of contents of the One-Question Interviews that you misspelled my name the other way. If it was intentional, it doesn’t work. If it wasn’t intentional, it makes you look sloppy….
Look, we don’t want to be whiners or hopeless Luddites, but the modern world is clearly headed in the wrong direction. We’re not talking about hip-hop, computers, or reality TV, all of which we endorse with the zeal of a cocker spaniel at a ha’ smoke1 cook-off on the first day of spring.
Dear Oprah, I think you know why I’m writing this letter. Do you think I enjoy sitting around all day on my orthopedic doggie bed watching Stedman complain about the dust on the wainscoting? Neither of us has seen…
… no one more so than my twin sister Melinda Anne. We were always inseparable, but that summer was exceptional. That was the summer that we became obsessed with Eskimos after watching a program on television about…
Exotic Mid-East princess! Well, Shazam! Tossed from your family’s ancient royal chair. You need my help; you’re chased, you’re on the lam; And for my aid, your regal jewels you’ll share. But do I know you will? Oh! Should…
Memorandum to: All Cabinet Members Dear Secretary of _______________: Good news! You’re resigning. For your convenience, below is a suggested template for use in the drafting of your resignation letter. You are encouraged to personalize by copying it over in…
NM2NY-1 In New Mexico the moon glistens as though cut from a frozen grapefruit. It can be a wedge on the hard lip of the canyon or a rind high above the mesa, but it is always sharp and…
This story is to be taken liberally, directly after a meal. It is not intended for anyone 13 years or younger (unless accompanied by an adult) or for anyone with a pacemaker. It is available in Braille, Middle English, Ryukyuan,…
Wear glitter eye shadow. Ignore that he’s shorter than you by, like, a foot. Practice roller-skating, because that’s what you’ll have to do together, but don’t actually own any roller skates, because that’s just retarded. Don’t say retarded, it’s mean to retarded people.
Yo, Muthafuckers Dudes! Remember me? Its like, West, from college. I accidently hit yer site when my keyboard malfunctioned whilst jackin’ it to some hard core shit. Seriosuly. Anyway, I was, like looking fer a gig where i could like, get wasted…
The last class of my old benefactor’s life took place once a week in his compound, by a window where he could watch the I.D.F. soldiers surrounding him, isolating him from all of society. The meetings were on Tuesdays after…
First rule in this job is always to meet your deadline. You gonna leave the Chief to go on TV empty-mouthed like a puppet? The only puppet I can think of right now is the little guy with the nose…
He keeps pulling out the “Paul Westerberg’s more difficult to deal with than Axl Rose” line. And I think, “Yeah, of course.” Wouldn’t Van Gogh be more difficult than Norman Rockwell? (Laughs.) —Harp Magazine Dear Norman: When it finally…
KERPLUNK! Books (“Books that Really Make a Splash”) presents: Restroom Confidential: Adventures in the Lavatory Underbelly From the Introduction: Let’s make this clear: I’m not here to “rag” on my fellow bathroom attendants. I’m writing this to show you—what…
Thank-You Notes to America or, Struggling with Optimism in the Face of a Mandate by Three New Yorkers & a Michigander Dear Youth of America, It’s a good thing you spent this past Tuesday as you would any other: taking bong hits on…
Good evening, fellow members of the M.P.C.A.W.E.U.V.O.C.C.O.F.B. Well, we did it! [Cheers and applause.] This is truly a great day for us, and for all America. The candidate we settled on at the very last minute has emerged victorious, and…
I have returned, albeit briefly, to my desk job at this Somewhat Less Major Media Company. It is April now, though the weather hardly portrays the month that I have come to know over my years here. The harsh,…
Y.PRediction for Election Day President George W. Bush, the incumbent, will end the night with 232 electoral votes. Senator John F. Kerry, the challenger, will tally 269 electoral votes. Ohio and Florida’s votes will be disputed through December. * * * Why are you wasting…
It will come as no surprise to the more acute among our readers that President George W. Bush, at times given over to unfortunate inarticulateness, in fact follows in a formidable tradition of stuttering bards, from Cervantes to Lewis Carroll.
father: Whad’ja learn in school today? daughter: Nothing. father: Don’t lie to me. I know better. daughter: You don’t. You’re too old and foggy-groggy-brained. father: Goofy-gruffy-froggy-brained, you mean. daughter: Don’t get parabolic with me. father: Palaveric maverick. daughter: Be respectful…
Your boss is really chewing out Jonesy, a colleague and after-work drinking partner, in a manner that you feel is quite inappropriate for the alleged transgression: falling asleep at his desk. So you creep up behind him and quietly get…
with apologies to Rudyard Kipling. (On second thought, shouldn’t he be the one to apologize?) Take up the Wrong Man’s burden— And ne’er apologize; Just change the war’s objective And amplify your lies. There were no kites or music, Nor…
I Named the Dog “Indiana” subject: Your Insight Sought! Dear Yankee Pot Roast, Today, I adopted the most adorable puppy from the shelter. F.A.Q.: Heyyy now, doesn’t everyone consider their puppy/ mewing, puking infant/ genitalia the most adorable? A: I have evidence. Of the puppy’s…
Aries You are one crazy diamond, Aries, and it’s not because the transit of Mars through your solar twelfth house has lasted over seven weeks. It’s because you think that fueling your Korean sedan with vegetable oil and living in…
Workaday blues got you down? Sick of your job, spouse, and/or children? Convinced that life is just a long, desperate descent toward oblivion, punctuated by pain, loss, and disappointment? Well, you’re in luck—because we’ve got a dozen simple suggestions that…
Project #1: Create Life the Old-Fashioned Waystep one: By Hook or by Crook, Find a GirlfriendC’mon—you’re not so bad, though maybe you should consider losing a few pounds, getting a new haircut, capping that discolored tooth everybody stares at without…
Blurbs “…they’re just working class dudes who happen to be pants-down funny.” —The Black Table “charming guttersnipes” —Gawker “pithy and always entertaining” —Maud Newton “cheeky young lads” —TMFTML “totally McSwys without the air of condescension.” —whatevs (dot org) “no-foolin’, laugh-inducin’ literary…
The Skipper My fellow castaways. I ask you to remember that day, so long ago, when five passengers set sail from a tropic port, aboard this tiny ship, for a three-hour tour. The weather got rough, our tiny ship was…
At Last, Respect: Rodney Dangerfield, 1921-2004 An Obituary for a Comic, Compiled Entirely from Trivia Gleaned from the Internet Movie Database’s Biographical Page for the Actor Jacob Cohen was born in Babylon, New York, in 1921. At some point, he adopted the stage name Rodney…
May 24, 1888 Dear Rachel, Look, I’m not trying to get you back. I understand you don’t want to see me anymore. Fine. I just want to apologize for last night. I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have….
Sammy Sosa will refuse to play a single game in the National League Championship Series after fellow Cub Greg Maddux accidentally deletes all the episodes of “Wife Swap” from the team’s TiVo. Unfulfilled after breaking George Sisler’s single-season hit record…
My Almost Interminable Conversation with Famed Literary Minimalist, Nicholson Baker August 2004 Sheraton Suites on the Hudson Weehawken, N.J. nick: Testing, testing … will: What’s with the tape? nick: Don’t you think it lends an air of…
Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint is a tour-de-force roller coaster of a book, worthy of a place on anyone’s bookshelf. The hotly anticipated sequel to The Old Testament, the book compiles several accounts of the life of Jesus Christ of Nazareth as…
bugs: Nyaah, what’s up, doc? sam: I’m a-gonna kill that varmint president. bugs: No you’re not. sam: Yer doggone right I am. And no flea-bitten rabbit’s a-gonna stop me. bugs: Oh yeah? sam: Yeah. That no good mangy varmint’s gotta…
From the book’s inside flap: Meet Bobby. Meet Boris. Bobby Fischer has summoned his old foe, grandmaster and former World Chess champion Boris Spassky to his hotel room in Reykjavík, Iceland, the site of their 1972 match for the World…
—a deleted scene— page 41 jay: Excuse me for a second, I’ve got to take a dump. ben: Sure. jay: No, I’m kidding. ben: I see. jay: No, kidding again. I really got to go, man. ben: O.K. jay:…
In the spirit of the novel being discussed, arrange to meet in a hotel room in Washington D.C. Search the Internet for flight and hotel rates while playfully reciting Baker’s muscular dialogue and pretending to shoot your friends with…
The following transcript of a hotel-room conversation by two Iranian diplomats has been translated from the Farsi by some Persian kid who works the coffee stand outside the N.Y. headquarters of the F.B.I. mo: Well, what the fuck do we…
grandfather: You don’t like ham. me: That’s not true. I like ham. grandfather: Well, what am I going to do with all this ham I bought if you don’t like ham? Why are you so picky anyway? I bet you…
Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint In which Y.P.R. solicits your parodies, deleted chapters, foreign mistranslations, screenplay adaptations, off-topic reviews, and random thoughts whilst reading the zeitgeisty political thriller.
William Shakespeare’s Chequepoint Clement’s Inn London August, 1479 jay: By and by, I say that King Edward IV art the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. benvolio: Yeah, but whattaya gonna do? jay: It makes us, or…
Happy Birthday, Martina Hingis! Dear Ms. Hingis, Congratulations! We here at the International Society of Foreheads have had our eye on your for quite some time. That is one large and shiny forehead you’ve got there, Ms. Hingis. Now that you’ve more or less…
Excerpted from a manuscript discovered in a cedar trunk at James Cameron’s estate sale: Mark well my weapon finger, good my men,
You are repressed, but you’re remarkably dressed. Is it real? And you’re always busy, really busy, busy, busy. The rain falls hard on a humdrum town; this town has dragged you down …
If she seems cold and standoffish, it’s because her slightest touch will siphon your energy and consciousness.
My friend, we are in a cave. A very deep and profound darkness is all we can see.
