T H I N G S   I ' V E   L E A R N E D F R O M   T H E   I N T E R N E T BY TONY DiGEROLAMO The Internet is a revolutionary tool that enables us to communicate all over the world. Its vast capacity for information storage is astounding and thus promotes our own knowledge and diversity. It has become the Industrial Revolution of our age. The Internet Age. And it has changed me: I have learned that “barely legal” means a stripper that can vaguely pass for 18 years of age. I have learned that my penis needs a great deal of medication and that my girlfriend isn’t at all satisfied with its size. I have learned that 25.5 million dollars waits for me in a Nigerian savings account if only I would send along my checking account number. I have learned that there is a virus on the Internet and it may arrive to me in the form of a friendly greeting or instruction to open it. I have learned that the virus warning is a hoax. I have learned that “hot and horny housewives” wait for me and my credit card number. I have learned that I paid far too much for my home mortgage. I have learned that there are very stupid Web sites and Web sites dedicated to very stupid Web sites and awards for Web sites that are dedicated to very stupid Web sites. I have learned that my friends have a great deal of free time at work. I have learned that “hot young studs” wait for me and my credit car number. I have learned that many of my friends have a picture of a squirrel with giant testicles on their computer. I have learned to filter messages with the subject headings “This is so funny!” and “You’ve got to read this!” because it’s not and I don’t. I have learned that I will die horribly because I broke the 23rd link in the chain e-mail I received. I have learned not to place my own inflection while reading an Instant Message. I have learned that other people place their own inflection when reading my Instant Messages. I have learned that “sizzling she-males” are waiting for me and my credit card number. I have learned that all the other penis enlargement ads are lies. I have learned the name of four drug variants of Viagra. I have learned how to draw pictures using punctuation. I have learned that junk e-mail is not intrusive. I have learned that my Web site could receive double the amount of hits with the right advertising. I have learned that Bill Gates and AOL are worse than Satan. I have learned that there are over 296,000 entries in my search engine for the word “bagel” and over 1,000,000 entries for the words “cream cheese.” I have learned that a “farm fuck orgy” is waiting for me and my credit card number. I have learned that lists like this get posted on the Internet, printed out and then passed around the conference table when people should be working. I have learned that you can play Scrabble with a guy in Portugal, a woman in Maine, and a soldier stationed near the Arctic Circle in about six hours. I have learned that my breasts are far too small. I have learned what “SM,” “BRB,” “BDSM,” “IM,” “MILF,” “LMAO” and “BTW” stand for. I have learned that there are many “cock-hungry teenage cheerleaders” with their own Web cams waiting for me and my credit card number. I have learned that there are places that will eliminate “100%” of my credit card debt. I have learned that www.ishitmypants.com is a real Web site and www.peaceonearth.com is not. I have learned that women I have met on the Internet are more likely to have sex with me on the first date then women I have met through any other channels. I have learned that I have no reason to pay the purchase price on a video game, CD, or a DVD. I have learned that the word “blog” means “the electronic journal of some self-important asshole with way too much time to update his Web site.” I have learned that I would like to fuck Ann Coulter, but only if she wore a ball gag the entire time. I have learned that I could “cum like a fire hose” if only I had the right medication. I have learned that the e-mail my friend sent me takes my modem 45 minutes to download and features a video of a fat Star Wars fan making an ass out of himself, but that it only takes me ten minutes to drive to his house and see it on his computer. I have learned that the friends of my friends have no problem inviting me to their play, movie, or art exhibition via e-mail, but if I do the same that I am worse than Hitler. I have learned that “one-time” e-mails means you get the same e-mail only 400 times. I have learned through “spam” that there are several dozens pieces of software that can block the very same offer from my e-mail forever. I have learned that “Asian circus midget sluts” are waiting for me and my credit card number. I have learned that people who didn’t talk to me in high school have no problem e-mailing me their life story when they stumble across my e-mail address. I have learned that without “cookies” I would’ve never learned so much about the Internet. Submit to Soapbox.