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For over 150 years, Speaker's Corner has been one of London's most unique and eccentric attractions. On any given Sunday morning, anyone who has an opinion to air -- or who simply wants to listen -- will gather at the point where Oxford Street and Hyde Park meet, in the shadows of Marble Arch, and carry on an oral tradition that is becoming somewhat lost to a modern culture of electronic mail and chat rooms. Y.P.R. recognizes the need for commentary
regarding society, life in the new global economy, chicken wings, ball bearings or anything else that may strike one's fancy. So put on your Sunday best, clear
your throat, step up onto the soapbox and speak up!
I for one am a huge admirer of Sir Geoff Wolinetz and his masterful thoughts on the physical world. The manner in which he communicates his anguish is sweetness of the highest order. Geoff, please allow me to share a brief timeline of what I see as the most major events in your stunningly brilliant life. Readers, behold the greatness that is Geoff Wolinetz.
Sometime in 1943 – Geoff Wolinetz is born in a Château in the South of Central.
April 2, 1947 – Geoff meets a traveling tonic salesman and purchases a bottle of “Rip Van Wrinkle Penis Enlargement” tonic. The tonic works but has a devastating side effect that results in Geoff falling into a peaceful slumber.
June 7, 1976 – Geoff arises from his slumber with all penis-enlargement benefits having worn off. Having slept through the benefits of the tonic, Geoff sets out on a global trek in search of said tonic salesman. All the while, Geoff thinks to himself, I knew I should have stocked up on that tonic.
August 15, 1979 – Geoff appears on stage with Rod Stewart for an epic rendition of Rod’s “Ain’t Love a Pain”. Upon the success of Geoff’s improvisation, Rod changes the lyrics to “Ain’t Love a Bitch” and the song climbs to number 22 on the Billboard top 40. Geoff receives zero royalties.
September 15, 1979 – After the fallout with Rod owing to his not ponying up any cash or credit for the success of “Ain’t Love a Bitch”, Geoff promptly removes Rod from his annual Easter Egg hunt/Matzo cake chutzpah celebration.
October 1979 – As a finale for a very busy year, Geoff convinces Ronald Reagan that riding the success of Bedtime for Bonzo to the presidency of the United States was indeed the right thing to do.
February 1982 – Unfortunately, Ronald Reagan doesn’t accept Geoff’s advice to employ NASCAR driver Dick Trickle as the spokesperson of his theory of Trickle Down Economics.
March 1987 – Geoff, sitting a row behind Bobby Knight, hands him a wet towel and a Gatorade cup full of Scotch. The soothing effects of Geoff’s well-timed delivery allows Knight to regain control of his emotions and propel Indiana to the Men’s Basketball National Championship.
March 1987 – Geoff fondles and consoles Rony Seikaly, starting center for the runner-up Syracuse Orangeman.
May 1994 – Geoff graduates from Pomona High School with the prestigious “Prestigious Man of the Year" award. Geoff turns down offers from Harvard, Yale, and Pomona Community College to pursue his coursework at Binghamton University.
April 1997 – Geoff approves a deal to publish his underground runaway-train thesis, "Phish and Seinfeld in Syndication: the Degeneration of My Roommate."
May 1998 – Geoff spends the remainder of his profits from his mega-deal with Simon and Schuster on a case of Natural Light and a bag of Pop Rocks.
November 2000 – Geoff makes Don Rickles laugh at a party in Reno when he elaborates on his fall from grace, equating his meteoric fall into mediocrity to The Jerk. When confronted about the encounter by the Geoff Wolinetz Touring Monkey News, Rickles refers to the laugh as “merely a chuckle.”
May 2003- Geoff Wolinetz predicts the San Antonio Spurs will beat the New Jersey Nets in six games.
June 2003 – Geoff Wolinetz donates a used pair of dungarees to the Salvation Army. Geoff is forced to sign an agreement that he will wash any future donations prior to donating them.
Geoff, I know I have omitted many a tremendous contribution to mankind. Please forgive me and remember me when your next multi-deal contract comes up.
Inner Monologue from This Morning's Subway Commute by Lisa Grover Re: My Afternoon by J.D. McGregor "Rectum? I Damn Near Killed 'Em!" by David Abraham WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT? by Y.P.R.
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