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Red Bull North America Inc.
Dear Red Bull,
Do you guys know how good your product tastes when mixed with vodka? On its own, it's kind of eh. But pour some Stoli in there -- presto! A tasty concoction! And I'm not alone in thinking so; everybody likes the tasty concoction. In fact, I don't even know anybody who drinks Red Bull without adding a nip of vodka. I think you cats should save your customers the time, trouble, and cost of two separate purchases, and just dump some vodka into your big vats of Red Bull, and then sell the tasty concoction conveniently mixed in one can. I even came up with a name for your new product: Red Blodka! (®, ™, Patent Pending.)
What do you say, Red Bull? I think this tasty concoction is pure gold. I've been test-marketing the concoction around town, by buying vast quantities of Red Bull and cheapo brand vodka, pre-concocting them at home, then pouring the tasty concoction into washed, empty Red Bull cans, and distributing the tasty concoction at all the hip, urban clubs, where your target demographic of hip, single, bar-going 21- to 30-year-olds are known to congregate in search of alcohol and alcohol-inspired sex. Well, your target innovators and early adopters have been very accepting towards the tasty Redblodka concoction. Girls, in particular, seem to love my concoction. They get falling-down drunk on it! So, I've been doing okay for myself, romantically speaking. Hey -- that could be your ad campaign: hot, young trendsetters drinking Red Blodka and getting laid! I'll even appear in your television advertisements free of charge.
But wait, there's more! Act now, Red Bull, and you'll get these six taglines free. Yes, free taglines. Free! You can choose from "Red Blodka: It smells like butane, tastes like gasoline!" ... or "Get Blotto! Red Blodka!" ... and also, "Red Whatka? Red Blodka!" ... plus, three more hot, hot taglines!
Next year, we'll roll out our diversified product: Red Bull and gin. Red Bull and tequila. Red Bull and Red Blodka. Blue Bull? Why not. Toro Rojo? Sure!
Clearly, Red Bull, you need to appoint me Executive Marketing Director, and soon. I'm almost out of Stoli.
Well, I'm sure I'll be hearing from you soon. Red Blodka!
Sincerely,
P.S. In the third-grade science fair, my working model of Mt. Eruptus lost out to an alarm clock that was powered by a potato. Don't ask me how this works, but I bet if a tater could run a clock, your Energy Drink could power a locomotive! Or maybe even a robot gorilla. Man, that would be kick-ass.
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