Say, that's a natty Bea Arthur T-shirt ya got there!

Hey, hey, hey. There's three smart, sexy, sophisticated young ladies you all should get to know intimately: Amy Stender, Lisa Grover, and Karen Newman. They are Y.P.R.'s brand-spankin'-new columnists. Yes, that's right: columnists. Remember our COLUMN CONTEST from a few weeks back? Well, the lovely Miss Amy L. Stender, of Vermont, U.S.A., is our winner, and we're very proud to welcome her to the Y.P.R. extended family (or "mishpucha," for you Yiddishers out there). Karen's and Lisa's columns have been in the works, in some form or another, for quite some time now, pre-dating the contest, and simmering at a low boil until today's big première. Amy's column, VERMONT GIRL, in which Amy will do things in the Green Mountain State and tell us all about these things that she does, débuts with an adventure involving cheeses, apples, and barbequed meats. Inner Monologue from This Morning's Subway Commute first appeared as a Soapbox entry not so long ago, and after persistent hounding (stalking?) from Y.P.R., Ms. Grover agreed to continue thinking about things during her subterranean travels, and share those thoughts with us. Astute readers will recognize Lisa's name from her past contribution to Y.P.R. (and, perhaps as well, the piece her work inspired). K.B.N. On, too, began with curious, un-colunmnistic origins: ranty e-mails to Y.P.R. from Karen Newman (not to be confused with karen newman), followed by similarly persistent hounding on Y.P.R.'s part. In her inagural posts, Ms. Newman waxes on/waxes off about bridesmaids and engagement rings. Anyway, on with the show. Enjoy.

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F I R S T   E I G H T D R A F T S   O F   M Y R E S I G N A T I O N   L E T T E R BY PIERRE CAVANAUGH Dear Boss, I hereby submit this letter of resignation because I have fouled things up so royally and irreparably that it'd be best if I left before I got caught, because then I’d get yelled at, and possibly sued. Please disregard the first sentence in this letter of resignation. Just know that I quit. Hasta la vista, Pierre Dear Boss, You know that scene in Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise does that "I’m not gonna freak out" thing and takes a fish and Renée Zelwegger with him. Well, imagine me doing that right now. Also, imagine we have a fish tank and an employee half as cute as Renée Zelwegger. This office really sucks. I am so out of here. Regards, Pierre Dear Boss, It's with a heart as heavy as a wet paper towel that I submit my resignation to you today. Sure, you’re an attractive man with deep blue eyes and boyish good looks. With your determined chin and your untamed hair. You with your muscularly chiseled shoulders and masculine hands ... um, what were we talking about? I quit. Pierre Dear Boss, This is a preëmptive layoff. I figure you’re going to fire me eventually for my gross incompetence, so I hereby lay myself off, though not without a very handsome severance package. Also, I've instructed myself to take what I like from the supply room. Thanks for the staples and three-hole punch. I'll be missed. Regards, Pierre Dear Boss, How many times do I have to tell you? The word is "nuclear," not "nucular," you dipshit. I'm gone. Regards, Pierre Dear Boss, I hereby submit this letter of resignation. It has been a delight working here, but it is time to move on to bigger, better things. I fucked your secretary in the copy room, and have Xeroxes to prove it. She's a fiery little minx, ain't she? Meow. Regards, Pierre Dear Boss, To be honest, I'm not sure why you hired me in the first place. If you’d checked my references, you would have found that the phone numbers are to various stationary stores around the city. If you'd bother to call the college that I say I graduated from, you'd find that they kicked me out for academic fraud. If you'd checked my prior work experience, you would have found I had none. I was serving time. I'm quitting now because I've been offered a higher paying position at a better company. Hopefully, they're as stupid as you. Peace. Regards, Pierre Dear Boss, I hate you and your albums. I quit. Regards, Pierre *SUBMIT! SUBMIT!.* *ARCHIVES! ARCHIVES!*