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McSweeney's Pretentious Horseshit, right this way.
Middle East GAWKER, this a-way.
You have not yet entered the COLUMN CONTEST, have you?
New SOAPBOX: here. New LETTER: here.
Why don't you support Y.P.R., or spread the Maude word, or at least laugh at idiots in Ché Guevara shirts, and buy a Beatrice Arthur T-Shirt right now? You'll be glad you did. We will, anyway.
Y.P.R.'s coverage of the Californian gubernatorial freak show:
Californication pt. I: Watchu Talkin' 'Bout, Cali? by Gary Coleman
Californication pt. II: In Like Me by Larry Flynt
Californication pt. III: Huff in Herre by Arianna Huffington
Californication pt. IV: I Am Your Governor by Arnold Schwarzenegger
* Enjoy. *
Take out your pencils and go to the electric pencil sharpener; I want all of you to have them sharpened in ten seconds! I want to hear a constant blur of electricity with no pauses! If I hear a pause longer than a split second, I'm coming over there! Okay, now get back to your desks. What the hell do you want, Johnny? No! Get back to your desk! Now quickly take a sheet of notebook paper out of your bags and give yourself a few paper cuts. Feel the pain! I want to see bloodstains on your papers! Now hold your pencils high in the air and stab the title onto your paper! I better hear pencil tips cracking! Sally, stop crying, for God's sake! Sally!? Jessica... don't even start! Now, go back and sharpen your pencils again! By the end of the day, there'd better be nothing left but an eraser nub! Okay, now, I'm going to give you three seconds to write the first sentence, and it better be at least twenty words long! And not just any twenty words; it better be-Billy knock it off!-It better be the most fascinating first line of a story I've ever read! Put your hands down! I know your fingers hurt! Stop crying and write, for God's sake! Sally! What is the fucking problem!? Give me your paper! What the fuck is this!? 'My Mommy likeess... to…' Christ! Your Mommy likes to what, Sally!? You've only got a few seconds left! Just take this and get back to your desk! Could you all just stop the fucking crying for two seconds and write!? Okay. Everyone stop. You, you, and you. Billy! No! You and you. Sally and Billy and Henry. Put down your papers and come up here to the front. I can see that you're all just little idiots who couldn't come up with an interesting idea for a story if I shoved it up your little asses! Everyone, Sally and Billy and Henry here have flunked this session, and, as so, they will provide inspiration to all of you. Billy, pull Sally's hair. Now! Okay... harder! Yank the shit out of it! I want to hear Sally cry! Everyone! Write about this! Billy is pulling Sally's hair! This is your plot! Now write! Henry, punch Billy in the face! Do it! Aww.. poor little Sally is so sad... did someone pull your hair, poow wittle Sawwy? Write, everyone, write! Pound your pencils onto your papers. Make the lead thicker and blacker. Fuck the paper. Write on the desk! Write on the fucking chalkboard! Write on each other's faces! Jessica, slam that pencil through Bobby's nose! There you go! Yes! No! Wait! Stop! Holy shit! Get off of me! Ow!
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