Sir, first I'd like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me.
Now, as you can see, I have a presentation, very in-depth, that I'd
like to take you through. No time for shenanigans? No problem, I'll get
right to the point: I need an intern.
Now, now, I know I've come to you before with half-baked ideas but I
guarantee you that this time, I went full speed ahead. I'm fully baked.
I'm barely-even-hold-my-head-up-without-feeling-like-it-weighs-23-pounds type baked. So I've been thinking, an intern would be good. I'm
asking you because I'd like you to sign this contract that states you are
legally employing me and that you accept full responsibility for my
actions should the hot intern I plan to hire be subjected to any
inappropriate behavior by the likes of me. Nothing to worry about really, just
sign there.
Why? Are you crazy, you senile old bat? I totally need an intern. I've
created a list of duties that an intern could take on that would
provide her the opportunity to hone valuable life skills. Mutually
beneficial to me, symbiotic like those birds that eat the scraps out of a croc's
teeth, if you will, the intern doing my duties will free me up to do
much more important stuff which I have yet to even fathom because I'm so
busy doing the things I have to do to survive in this rat race you're
running. So the list of responsibilities would include:
- Cleaning the resin from my bong daily
- Baking said resin into brownies at the end of every week
- Matching my socks once and for all
- Screaming "DYN-O-MITE" like J.J. from "Good Times" every time I execute
a successful one-timer with the ubiquitous Jeremy Roenick in NHL Hockey '94 for Sega Gemesis
- Rubbing me down with Jell-o and liquid butter nightly (it loosens
the muscles)
- Organizing my ALF trading card collection
- Waxing the Pinto to a nice high sheen
- Wearing a bikini
- Teaching me and my friend Ashton Kutcher how to read
- Create pencil drawings of my nude figure fondling her bosom
Now I know it seems like a pretty extensive list but I'm sure she could
handle it and without a doubt be so much better off for it as a person.
Now if you'll just sign that there disclaimer, I can begin the search
process A.S.A.P. What? I am too responsible. I'm so frickin' responsible
you might as well me Gallant, you Goofus. You're seriously not going to
empower me to hire an intern? Dad, you're such a gremlin. No, worse
than that, you're Hitler. That's what your name is from now on, Hitler
Dad. You might as well grow a little stubby turd mustache, Hitler Dad. No,
too late, I've had enough of your oppressive ways. I will no longer
talk to you this evening. I will leave you be to sit and ponder my
presentation and proposal, a very reasonable one I might add. And in turn, you
will allow me an intern. How clever was that line?
MORE BRILLIANT
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