Today marks the 25th anniversary of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, thereby making them … middle-aged? (And, yes, you’re old, too.)
Lives of the Mutant Ninja Turtles
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Leonardo: Leads
Donatello:: Does machines
Raphael: Cool but rude
Michelangelo: Party dude
Twentysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles
Leonardo: Leads (essay-writing tutorials for SAT prep classes)
Donatello:: Does machines in his parents’ basement
Raphael: Still hangs out with the younger mutant ninja turtles after football games; also rude
Michelangelo: Party dude
Thirtysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles
Leonardo: Leads (the day shift at J.C. Penney)
Donatello:: Does machines for local criminal enterprise because how else does a gigantic machinist turtle make a living, damn it
Raphael: Contemplates the terrifying certainty that he will spend his entire life without having truly loved; still rude
Michelangelo: Party dude
Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles
Leonardo: Leads (raiding parties on World of Warcraft)
Donatello:: Does time
Raphael: Finds soul mate on giganticmutatedturtlebook.com; relatively polite
Michelangelo: Has serious liver problems
Elderly Mutant Ninja Turtles
Leonardo: Leads (unsuccessful effort to “get the band back together”/quiet life in Omaha)
Donatello:: Does not want to go back in there ever again
Raphael: Reels from messy divorce; buys boat; sails from key to key bedding “island cuties”; still basically rude
Michelangelo: Dead
Lucas Klauss hails from Georgia and lives in Brooklyn. He reads books with names like Lacrosse Firestorm for a living. His work can be found at McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Apiary, and lucasklauss.blogspot.com.
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"Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine’s Special Issues" & "Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future …" 
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