— Listicles —

Lives of the Mutant Ninja Turtles

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads
Donatello:: Does machines
Raphael: Cool but rude
Michelangelo: Party dude

Twentysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (essay-writing tutorials for SAT prep classes)
Donatello:: Does machines in his parents’ basement
Raphael: Still hangs out with the younger mutant ninja turtles after football games; also rude
Michelangelo: Party dude

Thirtysomething Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (the day shift at J.C. Penney)
Donatello:: Does machines for local criminal enterprise because how else does a gigantic machinist turtle make a living, damn it
Raphael: Contemplates the terrifying certainty that he will spend his entire life without having truly loved; still rude
Michelangelo: Party dude

Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (raiding parties on World of Warcraft)
Donatello:: Does time
Raphael: Finds soul mate on giganticmutatedturtlebook.com; relatively polite
Michelangelo: Has serious liver problems

Elderly Mutant Ninja Turtles

Leonardo: Leads (unsuccessful effort to “get the band back together”/quiet life in Omaha)
Donatello:: Does not want to go back in there ever again
Raphael: Reels from messy divorce; buys boat; sails from key to key bedding “island cuties”; still basically rude
Michelangelo: Dead