For Those Who Are Having Their Brains Dismantled
For those who are having their brains dismantled, an important document is a "Hold Harmless Agreement."
In 2009, Lucifer and Jehovah Wrestle for Control of Your Psyche
Lucifer and Jehovah engage in an eating competition. Brains are on the plate and your psyche is the prize.
Yahoo! Feels Your Pain
Yahoo! Answers (Nylon, Cotton, & Hemp Edition) crowdsources your holiday bingeing queries.
Playoff Scenarios
If the Eagles beat the Cowboys and the Buccaneers lose to the Raiders and the Bears lose to the Texans, or the Vikings lose to the Giants, then Philadelphia is in.
New Categories on Santa's List
Nice, but Voted for Bush Twice
Rum Pum Pum Pum
Christmas tales by Dickens, Ellis, & Lenin!
Lolita's Grown-up Xmas: Producers' Notes
A forbidden attraction. An unthinkable love. A predictably damaged victim who's become the perpetrator, because that's how it always goes in these things.
Harold & Kumar Have Xmas Dinner at Naval Station Guantánamo Bay
Harold planned to spend Xmas day watching Jean-Claude Van Damme movies.
Your Onion Web Video Writing Application
Delusion of Being Jesus Christ Falls to Second Place Behind the Delusion of Being Parker Posey
Boorish Pickup Lines Inspired by the Recession
Baby, you should take a walk on Wall Street to boost the Dow,
'cause you're sure putting a spike in my pants.
Whopper Sluts
Miracle! Nicolae, elder of village, bring to visitors Rumanian traditional delicacy of olives with language of cow as the gesture of peace to the strangers.
Your President-Elect
This Thing Does Indeed Look Like That Thing. ("
On Weeeed"?)
God Came Down from Heaven and Stopped the Bullets
Unriddled by lead, we will ponder the enigma of miracles and the majesty of God changing Coke into Pepsi!
Glamour Magazine's Sex, Love & Life Columnists Interpret Your Husband's Testicular Configuration
Configuration: Both descended.
What he's trying to say: You are a warm and calm presence in my life.
The "Can't Concentrate" Manatee
The "Can't Concentrate" Manatee's article on Kafka for
Bookforum was due in eight hours. She stared at her computer thinking about pasta.
Synecdoche1, New York
I went to Schenectady, New York, once. This may not be true. I did not lose my virginity in Schenectady. My father was there, in Schenectady. He was not "there" at the moment I lost my virginity, but I did use the condom he gave me when I went away for college.
The <Meta>morphosis
Frank Kaufman awoke one morning after a night of uneasy dreams to discover he had 513 comments on his latest blog.
Big-Name Writer's Writing Seminar
I've called you all here today to because I miss Bradley Whitford and I need some hacks to write scripts for a new politically oriented sitcom where all the pretty actors endlessly bicker with each other and make inane social commentary on world affairs.
What the Hey?
For the duration of Aught Eight, the Y.P.R. machine will be steered by the very capable (?) hands of
Mr. Jimmy Chen and
Mr. Fortunato Salazar
Happy Xmas (War Is Over Ongoing)
The ghosts of Y.P.R. Christmases past.
Jeez, the Holidays Seem to Come Earlier Every Year ...
Y.P.R. calls it a night on 2008. (See ya in '09 ...!)
Encouraging Modern Trends: At Long Last Edition
The At-Long-Last Triumph of
Katie Couric as a Network Anchor . . . The Maybe Coincidental, Maybe Not, But Still At-Long-Last Emergence of
Female Journalists in Prominent Places and in Mushroom-like Quantities . . . The At-Long-Last Payoff of
Youth in Politics
Bunny Triptych
A photo essay taken in Asbury Park, N.J.
Naked Lesbian Stalker
You are a female and you're completely naked. You just broke up with your girlfriend (Sheila) of over seven years not more than an hour ago and you are feeling angry, hurt, and out-of-control. The house you have entered is a major celebrity's home, a woman you've worshiped for many years.
Happy Birthday, Bruce Hornsby!
I know how to play "Mandolin Rain" pretty well, buddy.
Banded with Great Fanfare
I am Michael Madsen. You may know me as the Michael Madsen who writes books of poetry.
Submissions, in Their Entirety, to Zeptofiction: The Journal of Excruciatingly Short Fiction
Very short stories from Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Stephen King, Jackie Collins, and Terry Pratchett.
Eleven Improbable but Nonetheless Real Baked Goods
Listed in Descending Order of the Amount of Puerile Imagination Required to Make them Ripe with Sexual or Scatological Innuendo.
That Time When Time Was Different Than Normal
When a team of distinguished scientists approached me about time traveling to the year 1682, I was like, "I need to know what I'll be getting paid first." Then they said that there would be a small remuneration, and I thought that remuneration meant fortune, so I was like, "Sign me up!"
Brilliant Numbers and a Few Sequences
Brilliant numbers, coined by Peter Wallrodt, are defined as positive integers with exactly two prime factors of the same digital length (in decimal notation). For example, 123467 = 311 * 397. You may want to give a short lecture on them at your next barbecue or family reunion.
Top Five List of List-Related Lists
Meta overload for list-makers, list-lovers, and the list of list-lovers who love them.
The Steps to a Successful Interview
Lithium acts as a stabilizer to hide your psychotic episodes. Taking this before your interview will leave the interviewer with a stronger sense that you might actually live in the same reality as they do.
Infinite Playlist
Some musical listicles, so that you may rock on with your bad self.
Ill-Conceived Musical Double Billings
or, Ways in Which a Booking Agent Could Get Fired
Top Five Animal Pop Star Names
Rock Groups Featuring Animals but Not Eric Burdon.
"Weird Al" Phones It In
The hacky parodist grows even hackier.
Review of the Hit TV Show The Wire by Someone Who Has Not Seen It
From what I've heard, this is one of the best television dramas out there and I definitely know that it takes place in Baltimore.
Book Treatment to Publishers A.S.A.P.!
I'm thinking of writing a book of party tips for throwing a great party. But then I said to myself, there are plenty of party-tips books out there. But what there aren't is, are any party tips books geared toward black people so here goes! (Note to publisher: KEEP READING!)
November 2008 Election Guide
Y.P.R.'s handy-dandy ballot picker, so you don't blow it on the big day.
"Yes on Proposition 8" Gets the Message Out
Some commercial scripts that provoke a response.
Election Roundup!
Our favorite TV show is, at long last, coming to an end ... Goodbye, Zogby. Goodbye, Rasmussen. Goodbye, lipstick. Goodbye, pigs/pit bulls. Goodbye, Joe the Plumber. Goodbye, crazy lady with a "B" on her face. Goodbye, Bristol, Levi, Twig, et al.
Zack & Miri & Kevin & the M.P.A.A.
Potty-mouthed auteur Kevin Smith's new film opens this weekend in liberal theaters across the nation. Fortunato Salazar recounts the film's epic battle with the prudish M.P.A.A. here: "
Zack and Miri Make a Pruno."
My Rejected Submission to Cosmo's Halloween Issue, Entitled "How to Lose a Guy in One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes for Those Wanting Out"
The leaves are changing in color, the air is turning crisp and chilly, and you're finding that Jeff from Accounting has a newfound interest in you ever since you got side bangs and stopped eating croissants. All this can only mean one thing: it's time to kick your deadbeat boyfriend to the foliage-covered curb.
Grand Theft Auto IV Tips for the Environmentally Conscious Father
What's a gamer dad to do when his wife is out leafleting in front of a biochemical plant (again) and he's left alone with his young child? Thankfully, he has these cogent tips to follow.
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter Who Is Estranged from Me
1. Don't hit her. Take it from me, that makes her super estrangey.
Setlist: Mime Hero
The hot new game from Activision.
Vroom! Vroom!
The Underrated Racing Team is underrated no more. Our driver,
Gregory Jezarian, is going big-time.
Magazine Inspiration, Written in Magazine Inspiration Form
Read a magazine. Do it. Read one magazine. Cover to cover. Throw it away.
Tom Friedman Explains a Bar Fight
In the post 9/11-world, there are what I call Plants and Animals. I was thinking about this as I ordered a drink from the bar.
The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog
The supra-extraordinary gift items from
The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog. Where opulence lives in luxury.
Are You Going to Hell?
Take this 12-question quiz and find out!
Economic Crisis Hits the Street--Sesame Street
Patrick Barb & Julia McCloy
I'm Guy Smiley and you're entering
The No Strings Zone. Is Sesame Street being devastated by America's economic crisis?
A Guide to Recognizing Your Mavericks
From James Garner to the Dallas Mavs. Also! A guide to notable black presidents.
Midnight Train to Georgia
My friends, your humble coeditor, Mr. Nick Jezarian, is packing up his Bronx apartment and taking the ol' midnight train to Georgia--the peachtree state, not the former Soviet republic.
A Six-Year-Old with a Future in Elected Politics Tackles a Tough Question
My opponent and older brother, Tyler, in an effort to distract the parents of this household from the real issues--like the still unanswered questions regarding the whereabouts of Mom's scissors--has brought up the issue of my misguided urination adventures.
"Yo' Momma" Jokes, as Told by Nerds
Your Mother is so slow she uses the ISA Slot and 1000KB of RAM.
Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future ...
It's either that, or you're living unemployment check to unemployment check in a modest three-bedroom condo, downgrading to the
store-brand Oreo knock-offs, hardly going out to dinner at all except on weekends, birthdays, and holidays.
Food for Thoughtlessness
Bum Food, Hurt Waffles, & Gross Treats
Hobo or Fast Food Entrée?
Can you tell a can o' beans from a bum?
Live (Sort of) Coverage (Well, Jokes) of the Presidential Town-Hall Debate
Y.P.R.'s experiment in "live-blogging" the "town-hall" "presidential" "debate."
Debate Prep
Tonight, your Yankee Pot Roasters will be conducting an experiment in
live-blogging during the presidential debate. And if the experiment is successful, we will likely live-blog again for Thursday night's première of
Kath & Kim on NBC.
Reminder: Tonight in Brooklyn, Get Your Y.P.R. On!
Tonight! 7 p.m.! Barnes & Noble! Park Slope! Yankee Pot Roasters! Reading! Joking! Signing! Books!
Underrated! Ha ha! And then!
The Gate! Drinking! More jokes! Like 8-something probably? Ha ha! Fun! You! Us! Good times!
Underrated Indecision*
All this week at Comedy Central's
Indecision 2008 blog, Y.P.R. will be
whoring its sociopolitical influence to examine the United States' most underrated executive understudies.
Veep This
As we ready for tonight's big debate between
Garry Marshall and
Betty Rubble, let us take a moment to remember some of our greatest vice presidents past. Or, at least, the two who've shot someone.
I'm Sad to Announce the Final Strip of Love Is ...
I'm screwing the lid on the India ink for the last time because there are, after today's panel, only 18 more ways to articulate what love is.
Reading. Drinking. Friday. Brooklyn.
Friday, October 3rd, 7 p.m., at the Barnes & Noble in Park Slope. And then come drink with us at The Gate, a nearby watering hole.
A Thorough Exegesis of the Opening Credits to Laverne & Shirley (The Wisconsin Years)
According to Wikipedia, a "
schlemiel" is a Yiddish word meaning "perpetual bungler" or "dolt." "
Schlimazel" is also Yiddish, meaning "an extremely unlucky or inept person; a habitual failure."
Four-Year Flashback: Closing Statements from the Castaways' Presidential Debate
What with tonight's McCain/Obama tête-à-tête being possibly canceled due to inclement fiscal weather, our collective appetite for debate remains unsated. Please enjoy this debatable article, from the 2004 election, and recall that it doesn't matter who wins the argument; only who steals Ohio.
Yankee Pot Roast Hits Up Rockland
This evening, at the
Barnes & Noble bookstore in glorious Rockland County, the Yankee Pot Roasters will be signing copies of their new book,
Underrated, and helping readers determine with absolute confidence their underrated/overrated quotients.
I Can't Wait for You to Meet My Panther
You may stumble on a few mason jars around the apartment filled with urine. Nothing to worry about. It's mine. Just a little system I've developed to let my panther know whose territory is whose around here.
Ooonder 'ated on the Radio
Your humble editor, Mr. Geoff Wolinetz, spoke with
Phantom 105.2, Dublin's reformed pirate radio station, to promote Y.P.R.'s book,
Underrated (which in Ireland, of course, is called "
Ooonder 'ated").
Welcome Back to the Official Message Board of Al-Qaeda
The Official Message Board of Al-Qaeda is once again up and running. Praise be to Allah, who in His infinite wisdom sought to repair the server. Also, many thanks to Shareef, the I.T. guy, who also had a hand in it.
Two (2) Listicles
An itemized list of lists.
Dog Poll Results, 2008
Sit, Zogby, sit. Good dog.
Avoiding the 120 Days of Sodom: A 12-Step Program
Take communion, and with the wafer still in your mouth, have four gazelles nuzzle you with their soft chin and jowls.
Sometimes I Think about Eating You
And sometimes, depending on the severity of the hunger, I imagine not even cooking you.
11 Words That Sound Offensive, But Aren't
Learn how to use naughty-sounding words like "titular" and "prickmadam" in polite conversation.
Since When Is Rampant Incompetence a Valid Reason for Dismissal?
If borrowing the occasional AA battery from the occasional smoke alarm makes me "irresponsible" then you may as well just call me "
Mr. Irresponsible."
Remember the Children
Our once-beautiful airship, the
Frau Fenstermacher, is doomed, crippled by a combination of albatross collisions and sabotage. Captain Hofstadter is dead, impaled on his own cane-sword, taking with him the secret location of Isla de Pelucas Perdidos. We are losing altitude as I speak, and will soon plunge into the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean.
What if We Were to Tell You We Had a Very Funny Thing Called "Entourage Chat Room"? Is That Something You Might Be Interested In?
arygold666: hey E vince might not get the movie pls hold [_E_]: O NOEZ WHAT R WE GOING TO DO DAMN TERTELZ QUIT SPENDING ALL THE MONEY WTF...
Back to School (tergum ut schola)
A (week-late) roundup of Y.P.R.'s articles, spanning the elementary through collegiate levels.
Johnny Macklin's Persuasive Essay for English 101A
Once you hear my reasons for skipping out on Rose at the Channing Senior Center, you will agree with me that California's law requiring college students to do community service is unnecessary and can be emotionally scaring.
Rejected Sympathy Card Sentiments
Sorry for your loss. I hope you got some decent casseroles.
G.O.P. Potpourri
As this week's Republican hootenanny continues, Y.P.R. republishes some more of its past tributes to the Grand Old Party.
Four-Year Flashback: Y.P.R.'s R.N.C. in N.Y.C. MMIV
Well, Hurricane Gustav is all but shitcanning this week's Republican National Convention, so to get your fix of grand old G.O.P. partying, Y.P.R. is republishing its coverage of the 2004 R.N.C. in New York City.
I'd Like to Say a Few Words Before I Begin Drumming
Ever since I took up the drum more than a month ago, it has become my preferred--indeed, almost exclusive--form of self-expression.
Science & Medicine
Unfortunate Typos; Musical Ailments; F.A.Q.s for Girls
Rock Band or Human Ailment?
Earth, Wind, and Fibromyalgia
Dating and Relationship Advice from the Guy Who Honks His Horn Repeatedly While Slowly Driving Past Women
As you slowly creep past her, blaring your car's horn and showering her with unwanted profanity-laced comments about her body, you've got to show her that you're in it for the long haul, not seeking some superficial one-night stand.
Get Quit!
Hello? I know you're there; I can here you breathing (or should I say wheezing?).
But, Mooooom, I Was Photoshopped.
Because I love you, I am extraordinarily concerned about certain enhanced photos you saw while dabbling in the popular networking site, Facebook.
Let's Make a Baby
We should have sex and make a baby. After conducting multiple experiments, I am relatively convinced I have a lot of semen in my body.
How to (F)Lie
A graphic novella that tells the story of a bird and his alcoholic father, and his dreams of escape.
Unpopular
Dear
Popular Mechanics, I've enjoyed the reader letters in your magazine since first sneaking a peek at your pages as a boy, but I never thought that one day I would be writing in with an unbelievable story of my own.
Who Is ScriptGirl?
Kim Townsel interviews ScriptGirl--the mysterious producer's assistant who reports a weekly wrapup of script sales via viral video.
The Underrated Book and the State of Oregon Declare Mutual Appreciation.
Underrated scored a brief mention in
The Oregonian's Pop Talk feature, in which we are referred to as "
waggish satirists." Um,
hooray for the Hazelnut State!
Also, an equally brief but equally positive note from
The Sacramento News & Review, in which our calculations are called "
complicated, Freakonomics-style." Well,
SN&R is half-right, although it looks like the
Freaky Steves used legitimate math. We just made up numbers. (
Shh!)
I Am Glad My Childhood Dreams Did Not Come True
I wanted to wear X-Ray Specs, use the Force, and be the Six-Million Dollar Man.
Met the Authors
Richard Grayson reviews Y.P.R.'s
Underrated book signing and discussion.
I Don't Understand Why My Amateur Party-Motivating Service Is Losing Business
Sing it with me, people! Ain't no party like a one-where-I-release-live-bees partaaay! Heyyy! Hoooo!!
Adventure on the Moors! A Brontë Choose Your Own Adventure
If you decide to follow Mr Heathcliff into the manor, turn to page 142.
Zack and Miri Make a Pruno
Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks discuss the challenges of making fruity swill for the prudish M.P.A.A.
Underrated Book Signing Tonight!
This evening, at the
Borders bookstore in Columbus Circle, the Yankee Pot Roasters will be signing copies of their new book,
Underrated.
The Dominatrix Decathlon
After months of speculation, and ongoing international protest, the Chinese Olympic Commissioner made official confirmation last week that the Dominatrix Decathlon will not be part of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.
What I'm Listening To
This classic rock anthem is still going strong 30+ years after its release, a fact made overly clear every mid- to late-afternoon when it's played by the A.O.R. station blaring from the boom box belonging to the roofing crew that's been (intermittently) working atop my house for the past 11 days.
Flavor of Law
I was sitting in my hot tub, flipping through the latest issue of
The Source, The Bible of Hip-Hop Music, Fashion and Jurisprudence, when my personal assistant Fai'sha said there was a Supreme Court justice on the line for me.
Notorious!: Celebrity Listicles
Chuck Norris Facts; Carlos Mencia Thievery; David Coverdale's John Hancock
Things I Suspect Carlos Mencia Has Stolen from Me, Other Than Jokes
My original television series concept, entitled
Central Nervous System of Mencia ...
Karmic Rejection Letters
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your subscription renewal notice. While it was deftly written--and the lowered rate somewhat fiscally compelling--we're afraid your magazine just isn't a right fit for our mailbox.
Las Listas Internacionales
European Hip-Hoppers; Zionist Plots; Spanish Words
Dr. Seuss Treats a Patient
All we can do now is wish for the best.
But first we must wait for a biopsy test!
Single-Celled and Loving It
Men, you might want to put away your Petri dishes. Sexy superbug Muris Hepatozoon isn't looking to rapidly evolve to multicellular status anytime soon.
The Four Pop Stars
With a nod and a wink to Monty Python's "
Four Yorkshiremen" sketch.
So Now You're a Therapist
You need scarves--lots and lots of brightly colored scarves. And you need to learn to tie them around your neck in jaunty knots.
Pimposium: A Rediscovered Platonic Dialogue
Socrates: I suppose you know, that it's hard out here for a pimp?
Other Entities That Are Not Great, According to an Inebriated but Still Quite Formidable Christopher Hitchens
Frosted Flakes: The rabid frothing of their pathetic anthropomorphic tiger mascot notwithstanding, these "flakes" decompose in seconds into an insipid, over-sweet slurry.
Bush Feet Under
The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration
Full Disclosure
I'm sitting down with
New York Times reporter Adam Nagourney. (Disclosure: my communication with Mr. Nagourney consists of comments I've posted to his blog.)
Dark Knight Double Feature!
Reprinting two classic Y.P.R. gems on account of Batmania.
Excerpts from The Best American Poetry 2007: Rosie O'Donnell Edition
A collection of
actual poems written by the noted television personality for her blog.
Cormac McCarthy Sends in His Treatment of the Final Harry Potter Movie
Ron is too long and too tall for his robes and Ron is hungry because Ron is poor. Hermione studies.
Over the Partition with Nary a Bounce: Home Run Calls I'd Love to Hear
The fat lady of myth and legend may have not sung as yet, but she is most certainly humming a rather jaunty tune! [
Said while tipping back boater hat and pouring out a handful of crackerjack.]
How to Convince the Widow from Accounting That the One-Night Stand Was "Part of Her Recovery"
Suggest that she's going to start dating again sometime, and if she's going to be used and discarded it might as well be with a guy she knows
Hot Summer Looks Courtesy of Hollywood
The
Sex in the City girls are back! And they're bringing their fabulous wardrobes with them. But instead of waiting in line to grab Carrie's latest, why not branch out into some of summer cinema's other offerings for great trendspotting opportunities?
How to (Re-)Write a Book
Last night, over a hundred of Y.P.R.'s friends and fans joined us at
Ace of Clubs for a
low-rent book launch party, to celebrate
Underrated selling out its first print run in just over a week. Big buckets of thanks to all who showed up (or sent well wishes from far away).
Family Film Guide for the Week Beginning July 6, 2008
This week's guide to current cinematic releases and their appropriateness for children under the age of 17.
Innovative Marriage Proposals
Alternative Suggestions for Popping the Question.
Congo: Land of Jungles
This nest of ordered chaos has inspired numberless works of literature, from
Heart of Darkness, to
Apocalypse Now, to
Predator II: The Book.
Godlessness!
Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic | Things I Would Do if God Were Proven Nonexistent
Ultimate Power Anthems of the Agnostic
Shout to the Lord (Seems, in All Honesty, a Reactionary, if Not Drunken, Outburst Unworthy of the Most Rudimentary
A Priori Examination)
Deadspun
Huzzah and kudos to Y.P.R.'s sports-loving pals and erstwhile Black Tablers: Mr.
Will Leitch is
retiring his jersey as editor of
Deadspin to columnize for
New York magazine, and Mr.
A.J. Daulerio will be sitting in the vacant Leitch-shaped ass crater on the
Deadspin chair in his absence. Mazel tov, boys.
Underrated Hits Bookstores Today!
That's right, folks--Y.P.R.'s
big, orange, 224-page book arrives in finer bookstores today. Look for us in the Humor section, reluctantly sharing shelf space with
Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. II and
Garfield Takes the Cake.
R.I.P., George Carlin
Seven dirty words have all been said on television.
Announcing Y.P.R.'s New Book: Underrated: The Yankee Pot Roast Book of Awesome Underappreciated Stuff
Yes, folks, your humble Yankee Pot Roasters proudly announce their new 224-page book, published by the good people of Citadel Press, the imprint of Kensington Books, printed, bound, and available in finer bookstores everywhere on June 24, 2008.
Stopping by Poop on a Summer Evening
Whose poop this is, I think I know ...
We Will Stop at Nothing to Acquire Your Swiffer Technology
A Proclamation from Three-Click-Pause-Two-Click, Fifth of Many
I've Decided to Start Acting More French
Exactly what this will entail is difficult to determine, particularly because I have never been to France.
Lesser-Known Quotations from Famous People
Some notable words that never made
Bartlett's.
Monster Island Welcomes You!
Monster Island boasts everything the world traveler expects from a premier vacation getaway, including a five-star restaurant, a full-service spa, and a first-class burn ward.
Wise Words of Wisdom
The true test of a man is how he reacts in the face of adversity. If you do not have any adversity handy, check the Adam's apple.
Stand and Evolve
At the end of this semester, you will all take the 1986 edition of the A.P. U.S. History exam, which is all we could recover from the rubble of the testing center in Trenton. And you will all pass.
Superhero, Supervillain, or Supertramp?
So you've been blasted by cosmic rays, or bitten by a genetically-engineered insect, or doused in toxic waste...
Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues
The Top Docs Issue. He's not like a
doctor doctor, but Hubie will make you feel all right,
all the time.
Sex and the City: Miami
The hags are back, on the big screen!
Hip Hopsticles
Why LL Cool J is Going Back to Cali | Why Rap Is Freezing | Instructions from Michael Jackson
If The Newlywed Game Had Been Hosted by a Talking Washing Machine Instead of Bob Eubanks ...
Describe the velocity of your whoopee-making. Is it: Normal/Gentle, Normal/Normal, or Fast/Normal?
Tales to Admonish
In which Y.P.R. for the first time ever
breaks a news story!.
Indiana Jones and the Last Fucking One
Indy's Getting Too Old for This Shit.
Thirteen Ways of Looking at Super Mario Bros.
Among forty-one hovering coins, / The only moving thing / Was the platform of clouds.
Paris Hilton's Commencement Address to the University of Southern California Class of 2008
My first life lesson to you guys will be this: Telling a secret to someone in front of reporters is pretty much the same thing as telling that person a not-secret. That's a saying I made up.
We Love to Fetish and It Shows
or, Delta's Risqué In-Flight Safety Videos Are Bound for Depravity.
An Important Message About Breast Health from Antonio Banderas
If you like, you may imagine that it is my fingers, still rough from many hours of sword training, that are so insistently probing your bosom.
Presidential Personal Ads
Male, African American (!!), mid 40s seeks democratic people to instill with unbridled feelings of hope, pride, and naïveté.
My Up-to-the-Minute Election Coverage
Welcome to my coverage of the crucial [
insert name of random state here] Democratic primary.
On a Deadline, The New Yorker's "Goings On About Town" Restaurant Reviewer Hits His Local McDonald's
Faux-retro neon glitters into the night a beckoning for Scottish fare via kitsch interlocking double arches.
Mamma Mia!
Republishing Some Mother's Day Material for Dear Old Mom
Happy Birthday from the Future
I am sorry that I ruined your birthday. You are right—it would have been more helpful to warn you about World Plagues I and II.
This Is Where We Keep Vivaldi's Body
Discover the Baroque composer's Fifth Season.
The One-Room M.F.A. Program
Zora Neal Hurston was passed out drunk on the floor a some Harlem speakeasy, weepin soft-like, dreamin a the sweet, velvet thighs a Eudora Welty!
Dirty Deeds Done Not So Dirt Cheap
Tyler Stoddard Smith & Greg Boose
Pricey pranks and ostentatious malevolence.
Four Odes
Rachmaninoff; Blind Blake; S. Johnson; A. Gardner.
Hurrah!
Lives of the Mutant Ninja Turtles
Midlife crises on the half-shell.
Grand Theft Oughtta
Chance Cards in Liberty City Monopoly" by Mike Richardson-Bryan:
You receive your cut from a jewel heist: collect $50
Disquieting Modern Trends: Dessert Edition
Wither Sugar? | Cannol | Flan | Breyers All Natural Ice Cream (Is Not All Natural) | Death by Shmocolate | Fondly Recallng Candy at the High's
Some Tips on Identifying and Coping with Indigenous Nudity
Shame. Do you feel it? If yes, that's not indigenous nudity.
Which Saved by the Bell Character Are You?
Are you a Screech or a Lisa Turtle? Take our handy quiz and find out.
Nowhere Is My Paranoia More Evident Than in My E-Mail Confidentiality Notice
If you have received this e-mail in error, please follow these 25 easy steps.
April Listicles
Dryer than April showers.
Rethinking Kosher Wines
Tyler Stoddard Smith & Matt Terl
What to spill at your Seder, from Manischewitz to MD 20/20.
The Tyra Banks Show Seder
With special guests Snoop Dogg, Bret Michaels, and FLAVOR FLAAAAAV!
I Am an Aspiring Blurb Writer
"Eviction letters don't get more direct or tersely composed than this stunning début from EmersonVilla Management."
Diary of a Radioactive, Flesh-Eating Teen Zombie
I've always wanted to suck her brains out because she keeps borrowing my lip gloss without asking.
Recipe for Disaster
You will need: 1 ex-girlfriend; 8 Pabst Blue Ribbons; 1 gambling addiction; 4 cups self-esteem, minced; Dash of profanity ...
Grimwald and the Dwarven Curse: A Mitch Gavelneck Fantasy by John Grisham
A goblin, for Baal's sake. And an all-dwarf jury, too. Mitch grimaced and pulled his Giorgio Armani pinstripe cloak tighter about himself.
Alan Roney: Tourette Syndrome-Afflicted Jurassic Park Tour Guide
Here, up on the right, we have four
Velociraptors tearing unforgivingly at the flesh of a saber-toothed tiger chainsaw enema fuckballs!
Excerpts from Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU
The inept housemaid stumbles into saving the day.
You Mean They Have Humor on the Internet Now?
Y.P.R.'s pal Matt Tobey, now blogging for corporate overlords at Viacom.
Happy Birthday, Alec Baldwin!
With the election for Baldwin Brothers president approaching, I have some concerns that I'll need to work through before casting my ballot.
Happy Birthday, Wayne Newton!
Frankly, Wayne, I don't know if I want to pay 400 dollars to see a lounge singer who doesn't sport a creepy, pencil-thin 'stache.
Popular Adages from Surly Richard's Almanack
"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and I hate you."
Opening Day Rain Delay
Republishing some of Y.P.R.'s favorite pastime.
Most Tortured Pitchfork Descriptions of Singers' Voices
"... like Björk if she were on a bus driven by Leslie Feist that only stopped at Ronnie Spector's smoke-filled diner."
Happy Birthday, Tracy Chapman!
I've got a fast car. It goes
zoom!
Happy Birthday, Norah Jones!
I'll tell you why I didn't come: Your apartment is filthy!
In Which a Newspaper Addresses Some Problems with Its Restaurant Critic
Frankly speaking, the pieces lack culinary insight, are laden with obscene--often belligerent--language, and frequently fail to mention a restaurant or food.
Yo-Momma-So-Fat Jokes Through the Ages
Yo momma so fat, when Rome fell, she broke its fall.
Failures in Live-Blogging
Hey, why is everybody screami
Drunk Cat: The Unauthorized Story
I knew Fluffers way before he got famous ... He
changed.
Notes My Mom Put in My Lunchbox
Here's the note you wanted me to write so you don't feel left out because your friends' moms are all putting notes in their kids' lunches. Some mommies work.
The Lord Bellingham Letters, 1580-1610
Editor: Just as two plump and o'er-ripe pomegranates are crack'd betwixt stones for thy luncheon, in sooth I would thy balls were pummeled so.
Easterly Eggs
Just like Christ, these past pieces arise from the dead.
Liam Gallagher Talks to John Lennon's Ghost
Unofficial transcript of a conversation between the late Beatle and the former Oasis frontman.
If the Beatles Were Jews
"You've Got to Hide Anne Frank Away"
Market Wrap-up
Now it's time to do the numbers.
This Thing Looks Like That Thing, and Also, This Other Thing Also Looks Like That Other Thing from the Same Thing
Can you tell which cheeky Chanel ad was designed by Chip Kidd, the legendary book-coverer and noted cheese monkey, and which was done by freelance commenter José?
Calvary Cay
The First Eight Years of the Twenty-first Century Retold in Crypto-Allegorical Smut.
Hip-Hop Lit: New and Noteworthy
What Ho, G! by 50 Cent & P.G. Wodehouse "I endeavor to give satisfaction, dog."
Good Times: The Lost Episode
Ted Koppel visits the Evans family. Dy-no-mightline!
Actual Excerpts From ...
... the RoboSapien Owner's Manual; ... Chuck Scarborough's Novel about an Earthquake Striking New York City; ... the Catholic Defense League's 1994 Report on Anti-Catholicism in the Media.
Magneto, Master of Magnetism, Holds Open Tryouts for the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Behold! The terrifying might of the fearsome
Baffler! The mighty terror of the dreaded
Beshemoth! The ursine villainy that is the terrible
Maulbearer!
Family Hour w/ Auntie Sara (... w/ Geoff!)
Your humble coëditor,
Mr. Geoff Wolinetz, will regale you with tales of the Wolinetz clan this Friday night when he joins other prodigal sons and daughters at
Family Hour w/ Auntie Sara, New York City's most dysfunctional comedy night.
Things I've Learned about the Harry Potter Series from the Online Slash Community
Harry is the son of Dracula, and also Batman, making him one-quarter vampire, one-quarter superhero, and one-half boy wizard.
Selections from The Golden Girls Exhibit, Part II: Modern Art
Selected masterworks from The Golden Girls Exhibit, arriving at New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art this April.
Gordon Ramsay Has a Quiet Family Dinner at Home
The noted chef enjoys his wife's home cooking.
Become an Undecided Voter!
A simple test to determine your level of complete political indifference.
March Listicles
In lionlike, out lamblike.
A Half Decade of Pot Roast (Pt. IV)
Still more classic Y.P.R. ha-has ...
A Half Decade of Pot Roast (Pt. II)
Presenting more gems unearthed from Y.P.R.'s five-year-deep archives.
A Half Decade of Pot Roast
That's right, this week marks five (5) long years that this humble journal has been publishing a daily(-ish) dose of the finest literary satire money can buy. To celebrate, we're republishing some of our favorite past pieces ...
Material to be Adapted Best
Last night the Coen boys won three Academy Awards for their adaptation of Cormac McCarthy's gloomy neo-Western,
No Country for Old Men (Ningún país para los viejos hombres). Mr. McCarthy previously dissected his process for producing bleak, dreary masterpieces.
The Acceptance Speech for Best Actor from a Talking Dog Created in a Government Laboratory for Undisclosed Reasons
This moment is for Lassie, Old Yeller, Pete the Pup. It's for the canines that stand beside me, Bingo and Beethoven ...
We're Rooting for There Will Be No Country for Junold Men.
Presenting some of Y.P.R.'s Academy Award coverage from years past.
Middle-Earth Customs Form
Department of Hinterland Security -- Gondor Customs and Border Protection
Spring Semester Course Descriptions on Which My Attendance in the Fall May Have Had Some Influence
Even though you do a great impression of Belloq from
Raiders, you're still going to fail
Introduction to Archaeology
Happy Birthday, Sidney Poitier!
Guess who's coming to dinner? Me!
Are You Conservative or Liberal?
A Slightly Slanted Questionnaire
Happy Birthday, Justine Bateman!
With undying love, Marc Price (a.k.a. "Skippy Handleman")
Every Single Episode of Two and a Half Men
ALAN and JAKE are dressed and eating breakfast. CHARLIE, disheveled, wearing robe, enters and pours himself coffee. He joins them at the table.
A David Foster Wallace Valentine
Did it ever occur to you that the simple phrase "Be My Sweetheart" (hereafter referred to as B.M.S.) has been occluded by the desalinization of love, or rather the concept of love, which has been transmuted into an ironic declaration of faux-sentiment for the benefit of self-fulfillment of sheeplike masses (SLM) with the endless Hollywoodization and crass consumer-mongering of the media bouyed by the post-Christmas Holiday onslaught of sales-driven shelf-filling multinational retail conglomerates intent on upping the ante on first-quarter revenue?
Niche Internet Dating Websites
Michael Rottman & Jeff Szpirglas
With February 14th just around the corner, it's natural for singles to feel unwanted and not-having-sex-y. Lucky for you, romance experts Rottman and Szpirglas have scoured the Internet to review the best new dating Web sites around.
Notorious Be Mines
Valentine Affairs of the Famous, as Revealed by Their Love Sonnets
Disquieting Modern Trends: Post-Super Bowl 2008 Edition
The Failure of Pre-Game Hype to Capture the Imagination of a Public Oversaturated with Every Other Kind of Hype ... The Continued Decision to Play the Game Ridiculously Late in the Day Just So We'll Be Forced to Watch a Damned Episode of
House ... Tom Petty as Half-Time Attraction as Last Gasp of an Ever-More-Obviously Exhausted and Desperate Baby Boom Generation
More Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men
Benny Basic Cable, Airbags Malloy, Barry A'Tricks, Serotonin-Sucking Sal, and Angelo The Milkman.
The Grammys' 72nd Anniversary
Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards
Gift Idea: Diary™
For the blogger in your life, consider getting the gift that every media-savvy web-lettrist wants, the latest new-media tech sensation:
Diary™.
The Complete Idjit's Guide to Old-West Cussin'
As we saw in the last chapter, the trail is rough, and there will be times when it is appropriate to let loose a volley of cuss words such as
goldangit,
dadgummit, or
goddammit.
Less Traditional Mafia Hit Men
Vinnie the Exfoliator, Paper Cuts Ralphie, Cinnabon Louie, and Dominic the Dactyl Displacer.
My Writers' Strike Diary
The statement is finished, polished, deadly. I have joined my fellow scribes--I didn't use that word in my statement because it's pretentious.
An Open Letter to the W.G.A. from the Hollywood Producers
We, The Consortium of Hollywood Producers, met this weekend over hookers and Mallomars at our Santa Monica lair and agreed that we're not really all that concerned with your writer's strikey thing.
The Giants Win the Pennant! The Giants Win the Pennant!
Wear your pride on your chest with Yankee Pot Roast's commemorative Super Bowl XLII T-shirt.
Disquieting Modern Trends: Animation Edition
The Creepy Endlessness and Ultimate Enshrinement of
The Simpsons, Fine and Brilliant as It Plainly Is ... The Preponderance of Psuedo-Simpsonian, Semi-Subversive Cartoons, Not Half as Clever as They Pretend to Be, by a Certain Ubiquitous Animator Whose Stuff Actually Stinks and Is Tiredly Predictable
Super Bowl Stupor
Collecting Y.P.R.'s coverage of Super Bowls past.
Bret Michaels Considers the Candidates
I really dig that Obama. Sharp guy and young, too. So I think Barack Obama would rock my vote because he's probably the only candidate who knows my music. Cool name, too!
The Best Damn Sports Show Period Presents the Top End-Zone Celebrations of 2007
Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson is fined $10,000 by the N.F.L. for "excessive irony."
My Attempts at Genre Fiction Occasionally Suffer from a Cavalier Approach to Research
The Western: Cacti, tumbleweeds, oxen, logs. Probably sometime around the late 1800s or something.
Notes on How My Irrational Fear of Organ-Harvesting Has Been Killing My Chances of Random Hookups in N.Y.C.
Stylish woman, late 20s, slightly Eastern European accent. Black mini-dress, heels. Drinks white wine. Wants to take me home and drug me to harvest my kidneys.
Afternoon Delight with James Taylor
Hello, I'm James Taylor, and welcome to
Afternoon Delight--the show that's all about you and your sex-fetish inquiries.
A Public Message from the North American Soccer League
Is Major League Baseball a harmless athletic competition--or a front, a hideous ruse designed to lure healthy young men into the sordid world of male prostitution?
Defame This.
Y.P.R. extends a great big bucket of mazel tov to Mr. Mark Grahahm (the once-and-always
Uncle Grambo), now
defaming Hollywood alongside Mr. Mark Lisanti (the erstwhile
Bunsen).
Tonight, your Yankee Pot Roasters will commandeering the earth's radiowaves (via The Joey Reynolds Show on WOR in N.Y.C. (710 AM); syndicated nationally) to promote their new book, 
