Calendrical Happenings

Some Thoughts on Improving Hannukkah!

1. Let’s settle on the spelling. No more of that “ch” crap. No one who doesn’t get the whole “chaaa” pronunciation thing is really going to follow. The real Jews will know, and that’ll be like a cool secret; but let’s drop that for the flyover states. I think it should be spelled with two N’s and two K’s. It just looks more “rock.” Then there’s nine letters and it has some symmetry. Also, it should always be spelled with an exclamation point at the end (to give it that kind of super-excitement it really needs): HANNUKKAH! It looks like the name of a metal band from Sweden. Very cool.

2. Market the latkes like Cadbury does with chocolate eggs. We need cartoon characters: “Larry the Latke”— stuff like that; maybe get some backing from the potato industry. Get Ore-Ida on board; start canvassing people in Idaho. Latkes could be the new Tater Tots … get them into a school-lunch program … meatloaf, latkes. You see where I’m going with this? “Hey, Larry—l’eggo my latke!”

3. Are any of the guys on Entourage Jewish besides the agent guy? Get them to start eating latkes and lighting candles. Talk to HBO, maybe they can come up with a “Jewish Sopranos” and work in the nine letters.

4. More songs. I mean good songs. Adam Sandler was right on the money; but let’s get something more interesting going on. All that song really does is name-check Jews; that seems kinda Nazi to me. How about a song extolling the virtues of the beauty of conserving oil. That ought to be big with the Hot Topic crowd; all those emo-kids and whomever else. I mean, look at the price of gasoline; this could be Al Gore–big. How about the kid from Moron 5 (yes, they’re terrible but the kids love them).

5. Someone needs to figure out a way for everyone to get eight days off in December and the week between Christmas and New Year’s. This would do wonders for the economy, because then there would be all kinds of crazy holiday spending. All those Wall Street bonuses; holiday-themed articles; shows on QVC; Regis and Kelly-Lee … Seriously, am I the only one who cares about HANNUKKAH!?

6. We need to figure out a way to get Rankin/Bass reanimated (so to speak). Do some kind of HANNUKKAH!-themed Claymation half-hour thing sponsored by Cadbury. The only obstacle is Casey Kasem: that guy is about killing the fun. (He killed CBS playing The Little Drummer Boy, so watch out for him!) What if there was a Claymation thing with some animals? Animals and kids! People love that! I don’t know what kind of animals are in the desert—some cute and furry animals! Camels aren’t cute and I know pigs are all treyf and whatever—but consider this: PANDAS! Cute and furry, harmless Jewish Pandas! And they save oil! Helloooo!

7. We need to get FHM and all those lad mags down with the holiday. I’m talkin’ babes here, you know what I mean. I could go on and on about this, but let’s face it: we need babes in bikinis. (And, um, not to be intolerant … but waxed all over.)

8. These kosher wines … are they any good? I don’t know. But what about this: kosher Jack Daniel’s! You heard me. Take that idea and run with it … Kosher Amaretto Disaronno! That cute Bon Jovi bartender in the commercial? “Kosher Amaretto Disaronno on the rocks!” etc., etc. This holiday is so happening!

9. Has that New York Times restaurant-guy gone to any kosher restaurants? No? AND WHY NOT? IS THE NEW YORK TIMES ANTI-SEMITIC?? Uh-huh. (I am so on this. Where is my fucking parade?)

10. A PARADE!!! A HANNUKKAH! PARADE! On Fifth from 14th to 96th… Think about it: The Today Show live coverage—Matt and Roker; Regis and Kelly-Lee; Macy’s can double up on sales … even Bloomberg couldn’t say no to this! We could get Donny Deutsch and David Lerner (from David Lerner Associates) to do color commentary! And Marv Albert from Jersey! YES!

11. Just one more thing: take a look at #7 again … I’m thinking a Vogue retrospective: Fran Drescher, Gina Gershon; chicks like that, but way younger. For the kids. Me, I like those two, but I know all about this marketing thing. Do it for the kids … and really, what is this holiday all about anyway?

    Enough with the fasting—let’s live a little!