|
|
The Coca-Cola Company
Dear Coca-Cola,
I'm a big fan of Tito Puente (who isn't?) and of Coca-Cola (again, who isn't?). Both are refreshingly satisfying: T.P., to my ears, and C-C, to my mouth. Yesterday, I took a trip to Spanish Harlem, to check the discount bin of Señor Umberto's Dis-Count Salsa CD Shack for some lost T.P. classics and bootlegs, and I met a nice young Nicaraguan fellow named Hector who, like me, loves T.P. We discussed T.P. at length; his favorite album is Mambo Diablo, while mine is ¡Party with Puente!. Anyway, after all that Tito-talking, I became parched and I said something like, "Boy, I could sure use some Coke right now!" I find that nothing quenches thirst quite like your tasty beverage. Well, Hector, the Nicaraguan gentleman, seemed pretty excited about this, as he too liked Coke, he told me. He energetically led me out of Señor Umberto's Dis-Count Salsa CD Shack and into his car, a Buick Skylark, and we drove around a bit until we found his cousin Manny. Manny had some really good Coke, I was told. Well, I sure was intrigued, and very, very thirsty at this point, because we kept talking Tito the whole drive there. So Manny and I argued over a price, which I thought incredibly high, even for very good Coke. Eventually we met halfway, and he handed me a Ziploc bag of chalk dust. Or so I thought. "Very funny," I said, "now where's the Coke?" Well, Manny and Hector, the Nicaraguans, laughed at this, and I laughed, and we kept laughing together, all of us, but, boy, was I getting thirsty now. Eventually, the laughter stopped and we all sort of realized that there was a huge misunderstanding. As it turns out, "coke" is the "street name" for the illegal narcotic drug "cocaine," which is a fine white powder, like chalk dust, which you can sniff up your nose and it will make you all crazy in the head. I did not know this, but the good men of the New York Police Department explained this to me later that evening. Long story short: Hector, my Nicaraguan friend, was shot three times in the face. Manny, his cousin, is still at large.
Coca-Cola, were you aware that your trademarked brand name is being bandied about as street slang for illegal narcotic drugs? We must put a stop to this, Coke. I know when they couldn't get any solid racketeering charges on Al Capone, they finally nailed him for tax evasion. Perhaps this "War on Drugs" and the "Cola Wars" should join forces; you could help catch illegal-narcotic-drug dealers in Spanish Harlem, and elsewhere, by filing copyright-infringement suits.
I hope I can be of help, Coca-Cola. No, no, a monetary reward is not necessary. Well, okay. Thanks.
Sincerely,
Josh Abraham
P.S. Before he died, Hector, my Nicaraguan friend, told me that, if you hypothetically had to, you could dissolve somebody's bones in a bathtub full of Coke (the beverage, not the powder). Did you know this? Cool!
|
© 2003, Yankee Pot Roast |