Yankee Pot Roast

LITERARY JONGLEUR

Similes

by
Darby Larson



Grizzly bears are like dolphins: Neither lives in the desert. And also, they both eat fish, except that bears eat big salmon, and dolphins eat little salmon.

There are flowers in the world that, if smelled, will kill you. In this way, these flowers are like women who drive with cell phones.

Time is like a magazine.

Being a comedian is like being dead. Either you are or you are not.

Here is a list of things that are like an orange: the moon because it is round and has tiny craters; a cat because sometimes they are orange; and me because they have skin.

A female is like e-mail; they both respond either quickly or not at all.

A baby is like a cricket: both make annoying sounds and neither understands the consequences of its actions.

The sound of a telephone ringing is a little bit like the sound of an old woman screaming in agony.

I am like Saddam Hussein. The only time my wife would ever let me grow a full beard would be if I were hiding from the government in an isolated location.

Computer programming is like making lunch for one’s children—while at first an interesting and meaningful task, after approximately four years it becomes uninteresting and mundane, to which one will have a strong desire to tell either boss or child, "Do it yourself," followed by the realization that if the intended actually did so, it would not get done well.

Riding on a roller coaster is like skydiving: glancing at the statistics, one would think more people should be dying.

All the peoples of the world are like animals. We all like to have sex.

The definition of the word like resembles resemble.

Mint chip ice cream tastes, like, completely different than lime ice cream.

Computer keyboards are like a woman’s breasts, designed to accommodate human hands.