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G.W.'s FRUIT SALAD    |    LETTERS

BIRTHDAY CARDS TO CELEBRITIES

SUBMIT    |    KINDRED SPIRITS


May 1, 2003       |       Today's Terrorist Threat Level: (yellow.)       |       Happy Birthday, Tim McGraw!

[ * Urgent, Late-Breaking News: Y.P.R.'s very own Geoff Wolinetz will be tending bar at Tin Lizzy, {1647 Second Avenue, between 85th and 86th Streets} tonight {Thursday, May 1st, 2003} beginning at 8 P.M. and continuing until he is forcibly removed from the premises by Greasy Lou, Tin Lizzy's big, surly bouncer. If you are in the New York City area, it is greatly recommended that you come and drink alcohol, served fresh by Geoff. To whet your appetite, go read Geoff's newest Fruit Salad. * ]

[ * Also, if so inclined, one can visit the swell folks over at Haypenny and, while there, check out a piece written by Y.P.R.'s very own Josh Abraham. * ]

[ * And furthermore: there is new Nick's Guff, namely the poem "Springtime in the Ghetto". * ]

{ * Whew. * ]

This is a crude drawing of a crockpot, decorated in red and white stripes and white stars on blue, similar to an Uncle Sam-style hat.

A R O U N D   T H E   W O R L D

BY
Yukon Pete Rose



EUROTRASH

Empty absinthe bottles
Tags and cardboard from packages of lederhosen
The Daily Sun
Royale with Cheese Styrofoam containers
Liner notes from A-Ha records
Drachmas, marks, francs, lira

PART OF YOUR COMPLETE INTERNATIONAL BREAKFAST

Spanish Omelette
Belgian Waffles
English Muffin
Canadian Bacon
Swiss Cheese
Irish Coffee
Freedom Toast
Danish

PLACES E! HAS YET TO BE WILD ON

Mumbai
Turkmenistan!
Gaza Strip!
Club Belarus!
Botswana!
Klub Kosovo!
Disputed Territory!
Omaha!
Winston Churchill's Old Place!

UNITED NATIONS DELEGATES
(ARTISTS & ENTERTAINERS)

Michael Jordan
Kathy Ireland
India.Arie
Chad Lowe
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Georgia O'Keefe
Roy Lichtenstein
El Salvador Dali

RACIAL STEREOTYPES THAT NEVER CAUGHT ON

Asians cannot hold their liquor.

Indians have no pinkie toes. (Indian Indians, not American Indians; they have six toes per foot.)

The Dutch don't make left hand turns.

Mexicans have really, really flat asses.

Jews don't acknowledge the existence of the number 6.

Catholics can't go into a deli without ordering mayonnaise on their corned beef.

Russians are all funny like Yakov Smirnoff. But not "ha ha" funny.

All Swedes are named either Sven or Enrique.

Most Englishmen are really women; most Englishwomen are really Dutch.

All Canadians are Rick Moranis.

Never trust a Turk to mustard your sandwich.

Hungarians smell like chocolate pudding.

Koreans? Gay.

Eskimos eat their young. (Yes, in pies.)




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A NOTE ABOUT THE TYPE

RECIPE FOR YANKEE POT ROAST

© 2003, Yankee Pot Roast