T H I N G S   I   C A N ' T B E L I E V E   H A P P E N E D ( M A R C H   2 0 0 3 ) BY HAROLD MIDDLEMAN HEADLINES I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE READ Crunch! Giant Cheeto Spurs Online Frenzy Small Iowa town to put it on display Friday, March 7, 2003 Posted: 10:44 AM EST (1544 GMT) CNN Monkeys Flee Research Center, Keepers Trying to Lure Them with Bananas Wednesday, March 12, 2003 Posted: 3:59 PM EST (2059 GMT) CNN Mountain Covers Its 'Nipple' After Pressure From Skiers and Tourists, Wyo. Mountain Covers Its 'Nipple' ALTA, Wyo. March 13, 2003 ABC News Cameroon Bans Urine 'Remedy' Thursday, 13 March, 2003, 16:14 GMT BBC News Latrine deaths over Kenyan cell phone Friday, 14 March, 2003, 12:16 GMT BBC News Millionaire Cough Was 'Dust Allergy' Friday, 14 March, 2003, 14:32 GMT BBC News Comedian Dick Smothers' Son Launches Porn Career Tue, Mar 18, 2003 Yahoo News It's Yellow, but Not French March 19, 2003 Washington Times COMMENTS I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE OVERHEARD IN MY OFFICE "Oh my God, between the war and my back, it's been an emotional rollercoaster." "Are you just telling me that I'm the tallest of the midgets?" "If I get another box of pencils as a gift, I'm going to kill somebody." "Oh shit, there's my shoe." [Upon finding said shoe in file cabinet...] "Oh yeah, no one would have watched "Friends" then, that's when Anthrax was on. Personally I found "Friends" more entertaining." "But I've yet to have charges pressed against me." "Well, Allie doesn't drink Liquor." "Liquor? I don't even know her." "The Q4 2001 Travel Promotion wasn't successful." "No shit." "Well, I've got a walk-on-water meeting at 2, and then a turn-water-into-wine meeting at 3, and then I'll look into it after that." "Jennifer, go on the Internet and find out what red means."

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