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| I can't believe I slept till two o'clock. I'm so hungover. Where's Maury? My head hurts.
| 12:15 PM | Oh, it's twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where's Maury?
| 12:38 PM | I can't believe how much I threw up. What the hell was that pink stuff? Shit, where's the remote?
| 1:15 PM | There's nothing on television. I wish we had Showtime.
| 1:46 PM | Did Maury eat all the Triscuits? Pig.
| 2:13 PM | I swear to God, if Lisa Ling calls for "advice" again, I'm going to poke her eyes out.
| 2: 22 PM | "Face to Face with Connie Chung." "Eye to Eye with Connie Chung." I think my next show should be "Head to Head." Nah, that sounds like a porno.
| 2: 47 PM | Tootie, Blair, Jo... what was the fat one's name again? Valerie? Mallory? Something like that.
| 3: 01 PM | So middle name, street name... I'd be Yu-Hwa Jefferson if I was a porn star. "Head to Head with Yu-Hwa Jefferson." That's not so funny.
| 3: 19 PM | Did Maury make that Wang Chung joke again last night? I can't remember. He's an ass when he's drunk.
| 3:22 PM | "Tit to Tit with Wang Chung." Hahahaha. Oh, where do I come up with this?
| 3:26 PM | Sonovabitch! I can't believe Ling got Barbara Walters to call me on her behalf. What is this, junior high?
| 3:34 PM | I should have said, "20/20 this, Barb." Shit, always think of these things too late.
| 3:51 PM | Maybe if I "accidentally" call her Lucy Liu, she'll stop calling me entirely. Ooh -- what's this? Johnny Walker Blue? Hmm.
| 4:19 PM | I hope Bill and Hillary don't bring up the earrings they bought me for Christmas. I lose everything. I'm terrible.
| 4:38 PM | I can't believe I finished a whole bottle.
| 4:39 PM | There's got to be more liquor somewhere in this house.
| 5:03 PM | I think I'll prank call Rather.
| 5:05 PM | Shit! He recognized my voice. I know he did. Shit. Shit.
| 5:08 PM | Where the hell is Maury? Seriously. Not cool. If he's not lying in a ditch somewhere, I'm going to be pissy.
| 5:12 PM | Ooh, good! There's some Stoli left. Whew.
| 5:19 PM | Well that didn't last nearly as long as I... how the hell did my earrings get in the freezer? I swear I think Maury plays pranks. I don't get his sense of humor. Stupid idiot.
| 5:26 PM | Everybody have fun tonight... Maury's gonna wang Chung tonight... hahahahhahaha.... oh mercy.
| 5:45 PM | What's that smell?
| 5:51 PM | Where the hell is that rat bastard?
| 5:52 PM | Seriously, what is that smell?
| 5:59 PM | Oh my god. What is that pink stuff?
| 6:03 PM | Maaaaaaaaaury's home!
| 6:15 PM | Does he even know I'm drunk?
| 6:17 PM | Man, he does not shut up. I have no idea what he's talking about. I think I should nod and say, "Interesting," just like on my show. Yes! He bought it.
| 6:35 PM | That man is so full of hot air. I can't believe we're cleaned out of liquor. I should do a show on liquor. Okay if Maury doesn't shut up in the next five minutes, I'm going to take off my pants.
| 6:41 PM | That was quick.
| 6:42 PM | Natalie! That was it, Natalie. Of course. |
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