T H A T   O N E   T I M E   I ( A N   A M E R I C A N ) C A L L E D   E N G L A N D ( A   C O U N T R Y   I N   E U R O P E ) BY JOSH ABRAHAM [Following is a transcription of a telephone call in which I, a fat, lazy American, had to speak with a business associate in England (a country in Europe). The transcription is as honest and accurate as memory serves.] ENGLISH PERSON (speaking with only a slight accent, [which was disappointing to me]): Hullo, [name of magazine deleted], [name of Englishman] speaking. ME: Hi, [Englishman] this is [me] from [name of my office (an advertising agency) deleted]. EP: Ah, yes, I spoke with [name of my boss, deleted] this afternoon. ME: Huh? EP: [boss], he mentioned you'd be calling-- ME: Oh. Right. This afternoon. It's morning here. EP: Ah, yes. Right. ME: Tut tut. Pip pip. EP: What? ME: Nothing. Sorry. EP: Right. So we're waiting on the [name of my client, deleted] ad for our [name of magazine] October issue-- ME: Late, late, I know. I apologize on behalf of my whole continent. EP: What? ME: Uh... so... I just need clarification on some of the bloody material specifications-- EP: Right -- I faxed those over, did you not receive them? ME: I think I have them somewhere... oh bollocks. I must have lost them somewhere between the lift and the loo... EP: I'm sorry--? Are you poking fun at me? ME: What? No-- EP: Why are you talking like that? ME: Tally-ho! EP: I'm hanging up. I don't find this funny. ME: Bloody wanker! EP: I think I should call [my boss]. ME: Jolly good! He'll sort this out. EP: I'm hanging up. ME: Righto! Tea and crumpets! Fish and chips! [I hum the theme song to 'Benny Hill'] Click. MORE DAILY PIECES