Monday, July 25, 2011

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —
And Entourage Is Back Again.

Hug it out, Savior.

Apostles: The Original Entourage
Matt Sullivan

TEASER TRAILER

INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT Jane’s Addiction song “Superhero” plays. JESUS and APOSTLE ERIC enter the modest establishment, where Eric approaches the OWNER. APOSTLE ERIC Hi, I’m with Jesus. We’ll need a table for 12… INT. RESTAURANT — NIGHT - MINUTES LATER Jesus holds court with the Apostles. JESUS Waiter, could I have another bottle of wine—or water … whatever! Big laughs from the whole table. EXT. MARKETPLACE-DAY Jesus, APOSTLE DRAMA and APOSTLE TURTLE are browsing when a comely MARY MAGDALENE crosses their path. She flirts outrageously with Jesus, who likes what he sees. APOSTLE TURTLE (to Jesus) God damn, Mary Magdalene is a MILK—a Mary I’d like to knoweth! APOSTLE DRAMA I’m not sure about this Mary Magdalene chick, bro. I think she might be a frankincense digger, bro… APOSTLE TURTLE Oh, what do you know—you jerk off so much, you have stigmata! A group of ROMAN SOLDIERS appear on the scene—and they heckle Jesus. SOLDIER Yo, Jesus! I saw a vision of your mother last night—and let me tell you, she’s no Virgin! Apostle Drama goes over to punch the soldier—but Jesus holds him back. JESUS We must turn the other cheek, my brother. APOSTLE DRAMA (muttering, frustrated) Turn the other ass-cheek is more like it … Those Romans are such Messiah-haters! INT. CAVE — DAY APOSTLE ARI is yelling at Jesus. APOSTLE ARI I just got a scroll from Pontus Pilate—he’s calling for your crucifixion! You need to start acting like the King of the Jews—and stop acting like the Queen of the Jews! (holds stomach suddenly) Damn, I shouldn’t have asked you to multiply all of those fish … I think I’ve got mercury poisoning … Lloyd! INT. JAIL — DAY Jesus is behind bars, being visited by Apostles Turtle, Ari, Drama and Eric. JESUS Well, I can’t say I didn’t I didn’t see it coming. Judas. Jew, Dis. He’s a Jew, he sure did dis me. I told him he’d deny me three times before the cock crowed… APOSTLE TURTLE Whoa, whoa—why are we in a jail cell talking about cock? EXT. JAIL — DAY Apostle Eric addresses his fellow Apostles forlornly. APOSTLE ERIC Fellas, if Jesus suffers and dies on the cross for this, we’ll lose everything. APOSTLE DRAMA No, he won’t. If he gets crucified, he’ll come back and be stronger than ever. (yells) Jesus will rise again! A title credit comes up: A P O S T L E S THE END.

Matt Sullivan’s work has appeared in McSweeney’s, Playboy, The Onion and on his parents’ fridge.

Entourage Chat Room
Brendon Lloyd

arygold666: hey E vince might not get the movie pls hold
[_E_]: O NOEZ WHAT R WE GOING TO DO DAMN TERTELZ QUIT SPENDING ALL THE MONEY WTF
tERTELZ: man why u gotta h8
*** VINCE_CHASE has entered
VINCE_CHASE: hey u guys whats wrong
[_E_]: nothing
DR4M4: i made nachos
VINCE_CHASE: kk lets go to the party
*** VINCE_CHASE has left
*** [_E_] has left
*** tERTELZ has left
*** arygold666 has left
*** DR4M4 has left
*** VINCE_CHASE has entered
*** DR4M4 has entered
*** [_E_] has entered
*** arygold666 has entered
*** tERTELZ has entered
arygold666: hey n/m about what i said vince got the movie
[_E_]: OMG I THOT HE WOULD NOT LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!@#!@
VINCE_CHASE: NEW MOTORCYCLES AND SEX WITH LADIEZ 4 EVERY1!!!!
DR4M4: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
tERTELZ: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brendon Lloyd has trouble opening up to people. Maybe it’s because he puts up emotional walls to protect himself from being hurt. It all started in his childhood, which is actually a long story. But he will tell it to you if you really want.

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —

Harry Potter and the Last Chance to Recycle These Jokes

Y.P.R. recycles its Pottery one last time.

— Calendrical Happenings —

Happy Bastille Day!

Reprinting some of Y.P.R.'s Francophilia.

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —

Sheen Machine: Every Single Episode of Two and a Half Men

Ralph Gamelli

Since the CBS sitcom is on hiatus in wake of Mr. Sheen's galactic shitshow, Y.P.R. hereby republishes all 177 episodes of ribald mediocrity, handily condensed into one easy page.