- What the hell is going on?
- Who the #$*% are you?
- Who the #$*% am I?
- What?
- What?
- What?
- Didn’t you die?
- Why aren’t you dead?
- Are you dead?
- Am I dead?
- Wait—what?
- Can’t you talk to dead people?
- Oh, you just hear them? He talks to dead people?
- Which one of you is yanking my chain?
- Polar bear? I didn’t see a polar bear. What the hell are you talking about?
- Do we have any toilet paper?
- You gained weight?! How could you gain weight? The island’s a gigantic Jenny Craig!
- You can write in English, but you can’t speak English? Oh—oh—O.K..
- You’re a doctor of—of everything?
- The island spoke to you? In moss? Sand? Whispery breezes? Where was I?
- It—the island—wants you to—kill?
- No, wait—the smoke wants you to kill?
- They both want you to kill?! Oh—O.K., now I get it.
- Hey, they all killed! Everyone killed! C’mon! Can’t I kill too?!
- What season is this?
- What timeline are we in, again?
- How many siblings do I have on the island?
- Could you please stop calling me brother?
- Why does my 11-year-old look like he’s 20?
- So, I pretty much heal from every wound, except for this big, gaping new one? Bummer.
- Why is that dog staring at me?
- Am I an Other? An Other-Other? An Another? An Another-Other?
- I’m a Tailie? What the #$@*is a Tailie?
- If I get arrested for drunk driving, can I still come back next season?
- Could somebody please give me a name already?!
- There was an all-singing episode? Wait—
- Who the hell stole my wheelchair?!
- I know how to swim? I don’t know how to swim?
- Hey, where do you get a mirror like that?
- What’s with the tatt?
- Is it O.K. if I take my shirt off again?
- Could someone tell me, again, why I like these two A-holes?
- He killed hundreds, she burned down her house, and I’m in a mental institution?
- Does anyone have any Dramamine?
- Is there a bomb named Big Ethel?
- You’re at the bottom of a well?! I’m at the bottom of a well! Maybe your well’s near my well?!
- You’re pregnant? Oh—oh—nothing—
- If I take a pay cut, can you work me into the finale?
- What happened to Cheech?
- We were never really lost at all, were we?
Alex Bernstein is a freelance writer in New Jersey. More of his work can be found at Prom on Mars.
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