— Listicles —

Google Maps Gives Me Directions

FROM: My apartment
TO: Girlfriend’s apartment

1. Head north at Broad St. – 1.9 mi
2. Take ramp onto US-5 N – 4.2 mi
3. Take exit 3 toward Glenview – .2 mi
4. Turn left at Lathrop St – 1.6 mi
5. Arrive at girlfriend’s apartment
6. Knock on door – 2.8 mins
7. Realize that breakup is permanent – 3 secs
8. Knock on door again – 2.1 mins
9. Head south on Lathrop St – 1.6 mi, or until sound of police siren fades into distance

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FROM: Zero
TO: Hero

1. Head west to Union St. – 2.3 mi
2. Arrive at Starbucks, on the left
3. Continue to nearest vacant table – 12 ft
4. Type Great American Novel on laptop – 6.0 hrs
5. Leave after not getting past first paragraph
6. Return to Starbucks with laptop, typing first paragraph over and over again, hoping someone will ask about your writing – 17 wks
7. Accept that Hero does not exist for you on any known map – 10 secs
8. Arrive at Depressionville instead

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FROM: Rags
TO: Riches

Did you mean: Richmond, VA?

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FROM: Weak and scrawny
TO: Strong and fit

1. Head east to Park Blvd – 3.5 mi
2. Arrive at Gold’s Gym, on the right
3. Turn left at front desk – 14.1 ft
4. Continue to weightlifting area – 22.8 ft
5. Discover yourself surrounded by athletic men and women in the kind of shape you have absolutely no chance of ever attaining – 5 mins
6. Head north to the Dunkin’ Donuts on Fenton St. – 1.2 mi

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FROM: Then
TO: Now

1. Head nowhere – last 10 yrs or so
2. Continue living in crummy apartment – last 10 yrs or so
3. Continue working at crummy job – last 10 yrs or so
4. Arrive at Now
5. Regret too many years of staying in rut – .5 hrs
6. Head west to refrigerator – 17 ft
7. Drink beer – until passing out

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FROM: Disgruntled
TO: Content

Did you mean: Canton, CT?

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FROM: My apartment
TO: Girlfriend’s apartment

1. Head north at Broad St. – 1.9 mi
2. Take ramp onto US-5 N – 4.2 mi
3. Take exit 3 toward Glenview – .2 mi
4. Turn left at Lathrop St. – 1.6 mi
5. Park in front of girlfriend’s window – 3.2 hrs
6. Fall asleep – 5.5 hrs
7. Wake up in cop car – 1 sec
8. Continue to police station on Springdale St. – 2.8 mi

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FROM: Booking
TO: Freedom

1. Head west from finger printing area – 15 ft
2. Turn left down corridor – 19 ft
3. Knock over any officer in your way
4. Continue toward front door – 26 ft
5. Spasm on floor after being shot with Taser – 34 secs

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FROM: Dysfunctional waste of oxygen
TO: Contributing member of society

Did you mean: Contributing Member of Society, NJ?