— Fiction —

Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft

’m Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Good to see you. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.

This jerk is up in Northrend, sitting on his ice cube taunting us, and what have we done about it? Well, I’ll tell you what we did.

We went and committed millions of gold in deficit spending to something called the Argent Coliseum, which is the largest unnecessary public-works project since those bleeding-heart Night Elves used the opening of the Ahn’Qiraj gate as an excuse to raise taxes.

We should have done the Common Sense thing and applied our overwhelming military power to crush this tin-pot dictator. If we had done things properly, we could have wrapped up the job in Northrend months ago, and gone somewhere warm to celebrate. I tell you, these problems all have simple solutions until the liberals get in the way.

Let me tell you how your tax dollars are getting used up in Icecrown. This will drive you crazy.

First of all, there’s a Frost Wyrm up there called Chillmaw. All it does is fly around, but the incompetent liberal bureaucracy has decided this thing is priority number one. So they’ve put a bounty on Chillmaw; twenty-three gold and two Champion’s Seals to anyone who participates in slaying this alleged menace. Well, I’ve got news for you. It takes about three people to bring down a Frost Wyrm, and sometimes as many as five, so killing this thing costs us as much as a hundred and fifty gold. Your gold, ladies and gentlemen.

But the kicker? This creature has something like a ten-second respawn timer. So, before the so-called heroes even get back to the Tournament Grounds to collect their taxpayer-funded reward, Chillmaw is back again. How can the leadership justify this unconscionable waste? Don’t ask me, I’m just an average schlub, trying to make his way in the World of Warcraft.

Further, we’ve got standing bounties out for various minions of the Lich King. Some of these quests are for “Champions” and others are for “Valiants.” But these so-called heroes have discovered a loophole; the ridiculous liberal rules of the Argent Tournament allow an adventurer to be a ‘Champion’ and a ‘Valiant’ at the same time!

So, one “hero” can collect a Champion’s assignment to kill fifteen Icecrown Scourge as well as a Valiant’s assignment to kill ten. That means, if he destroys a total of just fifteen Scourge he can collect both tax-funded rewards. And you’re paying for this, ladies and gentlemen. Each time you pay a repair bill. Each time you pay an auction fee. Each time you pay for a re-spec, you’re being robbed by these unscrupulous adventurers and their liberal enablers.

And people wonder how come we can’t afford to have separate Tier 9 models for each character class. Here is your reason, people. And I am pissed off about it.

All this waste, and I haven’t even started talking about the Coliseum itself, mind you. People say to me: “Glenn, at least the Coliseum is creating construction jobs and stimulating the economy.”

Well, I have news for you. The work and the pay for the construction of the Argent Coliseum is not going to hardworking, tax-paying Azerothians like you and me. It’s going to illegal Goblins. This is his how your government is putting your dearly-earned gold to work. I am seriously about to start crying here.

And the rumor around Icecrown is that these goblins are falsifying the records documenting their expenses for building materials and bribing the ‘adventurers’ to scavenge materials from the ruins of Ulduar. That’s right. Your leadership in Stormwind and the Kirin Tor is taxing you so they can pay foreign Goblins to do shoddy work and rob us blind.

But you get what you pay for, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn’t be surprised if, when they try to use this Coliseum, the floor caves in or something.