— Fiction —

Now That You’ve Found My “Creepy” Twilight Shrine: A Few Points for Rebuttal

— First off, remember what Dr. Geldman said about judgmental language? I put “creepy” in quotes because I feel that you could have expressed your surprise of my having hundreds of pictures of Robert Pattinson on the wall of the guest room/office in a far more neutral tone.

— While I also feel it was inappropriate of me to have Photoshopped Robert Pattinson over your and the kids’ faces in the pictures on my desk, I was hurt that you failed to notice the quality and detail of the vector mask that I employed. I mean, that is a professional job, and should be recognized as such.

— I thought we agreed not to bring up the fact that for a brief period of time I made Robert Pattinson the beneficiary of my term life insurance policy. I grant you that it was strange to replace my wife with a Hollywood heartthrob who doesn’t even know me (although my endless letters and eventual restraining order should ring a bell with him), but hindsight is 20/20, as they say.

— I know we have gone round and round about this, but once again I don’t see what is so “disturbing” (again, your words) about having pictures of young, skinny boys pretending to be vampires all over my office. How is it any different from your H.R. department motivational posters? Some people have posters of a solitary runner on a beach at dawn with the words “Perseverance” in bold at the bottom, and that’s cool. I, however, opt for the July issue of Tiger Beat with a Robert Pattinson pull-out poster. Did you know that we are both Geminis?

— And yes, thank you. I’m well aware that I’m 38 years old, but frankly, I don’t see how that is relevant to the issue at hand. You know as well as I do that vampires are immortal and therefore don’t age. They are not hung up on age differences, so neither am I. Perhaps this is something that you could get through that granite slab that passes for your head.

— Yes, I like to strike that “granite slab” retort. I’m just frustrated that I have to constantly defend my banal side interest of liking hot, ripped male vampires. It’s not like I vote Republican or watch sports on television or something. Different strokes for different folks, right?

— And finally, this conversation about my vampire hobby would not be complete without the whole: “Are you sure that you aren’t gay?” thing. Have we learned nothing from all those years of Will and Grace? Just because a man approaching 40 suddenly finds himself interested in the mysterious world of sullen man-boys who live for darkness and do a lot of crunches does not imply that his long-standing sexual orientation should be questioned.

— Oh, by the way, I TiVo’d Grey’s for us tonight.