Wednesday, February 24, 2010

— Non-Fiction —
Why the 1981 James Bond Movie For Your Eyes Only Is the Greatest Motion Picture Ever Made

Written by Me in 1981

Why is the new James Bond movie For Your Eyes Only the greatest motion picture ever made? Because this movie has everything, including:

— Helicopters.
— Submarines.
— Motorcycles.
— Mountain climbing.
— Bobsledding.
— A biathlon that turns into a snow-skiing chase scene with motorcycles.
— Two Lotus Esprit sports cars. One blows up.
— A funny talking parrot.
— Hockey player assassins.
— The chick who plays Bibi, the professional figure skater.
— The chick who plays that hot brunette chick.
— The underwater dive-tank suit thing.
— A fight scene on the side of a cliff.
— A helicopter flies inside of a building.
— A helicopter drops a bald guy in a wheelchair into a smokestack.
— A car chase in a foreign country involving a Volkswagen Beetle.
— A casino scene that uses those big fancy rectangular chips.
— A tense dinner with the bad guy.
— Crossbows.
— Skinny-dipping.
— Big sunglasses.
— Pinkie rings.
— Dune buggies.
— A warehouse shootout.
— James Bond kicks a car off a mountain.
— James Bond throws a guy out of a window and he falls off a different mountain.
— When the two submarines get in a fight.
— When that cool-looking Greek guy uses pistachios to find the bad guys.
— When the one bad guy uses James Bond and the hot brunette chick as shark bait.
— When the supreme Russian bad guy goes to meet the other bad guy to get the high-tech device that the whole movie is about, but James Bond throws it off the mountain, the supreme Russian bad guy just shrugs and smiles and gets back in his helicopter and flies away.
— They say the name of the movie in the movie.

As a small child, William Sawalich likely lived in a house with peeling lead paint. He collects everything from pine needles to plastic fruit, but his true passion is crushing aluminum cans. He once received a fortune cookie that read “You will always have good luck in your personal affairs” and was divorced within three weeks. When he’s not trying to stick it to The Man, Sawalich considers himself a passable photographer, a tolerable writer, and just barely a filmmaker. He is a valued friend to some. Sawalich has lived in towns from Illinois to California, and almost nowhere in between. Except St. Louis, which is where he lives now. He has two dogs. Their names are Hazel and Myra. He is full of it. Sawalich’s favorite words are “absquatulate” and “cinnamon,” and his pet peeves include the gray heels on white tube socks and people who write ridiculously unfunny biographies in the third person when they were clearly written by the subject him- or herself. Also, he is fat.