Monday, October 26, 2009

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —
Hallowe’en Rehash

My Rejected Submission to Cosmo’s Halloween Issue, Entitled “How to Lose a Guy in One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes for Those Wanting Out”

Cosmo's Halloween Issue

he leaves are changing in color, the air is turning crisp and chilly, and you’re finding that Jeff from Accounting has a newfound interest in you ever since you got side bangs and stopped eating croissants. All this can only mean one thing: it’s time to kick your deadbeat boyfriend to the foliage-covered curb.

Halloween is the perfect time to give that final underwater push to your drowning relationship. The cold weather has arrived, and you’ll no longer need a mate just to accompany you to go et frozen yogurt, summertime’s lubricant of love. And you can’t get caught waiting too long after the balmy summer days have passed to move on with your life, for delaying the inevitable will bring you closer and closer to the holiday season. No one wants an ex’s turkey-coma-induced suicide on their conscience; plus, you’ll need adequate time to develop your new relationship in time for all the candle-lighting and tree-trimming festivities. Jeff from Accounting isn’t going to spend the first three and a half nights of Hanukkah at your parents’ place in Connecticut after one lunch date, you know.

So, just how can one effectively and easily end her pitiful excuse for a relationship while keeping her pillowcase full of delicious candy and treats, not guilt and remorse? Well, as with anything in life, it all comes down to simply dressing the part. And this time, the part is one of a coldhearted wench of a woman that no man, no matter how low his self-esteem or “free” his freelance writing happens to be, would ever consider crawling back to! Without further adieu, we present you with Halloween Costumes to Scare Your Man (Off, Forever).

His Slutty Mom Every man grimaces at the mere thought of any sexual thought involving mommy dearest creeping into his brain. Well, you’ll really drive him nuts when you show up at his door, wearing his mother’s most favorite puppy-patterned turtleneck turned halter top and wide-leg corduroys turned ass-less chaps. You’ll have ‘ol Oedipus running for the door in no time! What You’ll Need: Scissors; ex-con and hairpin specialist to gain entry to mother’s condo in Westchester.
His Slutty Childhood Golden Retriever He may be all grown up and almost able to grow facial hair, but your man will always hold a tender spot in his heart for Lucky. Is there any better way to drive your guy to want out than conjuring up the image of Lucky in a too-tight tube top and booty shorts? What You’ll Need: Access to local Forever 21; pictures of Lucky (possibly retrieved from mother’s home with above said ex-con / hairpin specialist).
His Slutty Pregnant Girlfriend Any decent man will be a bit put off seeing a woman, carrying the gift of life in her blossoming belly, tossing back P.B.R.s, ripping butts, and donning a tramp stamp with her “best guess” at the father’s name. Still, he may excuse you for your costume choice, seeing that he loves you, supports you, etc, etc. … that is, until you tell him that you’ll still be sporting that baby bump come November 1st! What You’ll Need: Expired condoms.
His Slutty Boss Who Laid Him Off The constant reminder of his professional failure and inadequacy will surely have your beau not wanting to come up for air during the apple-bobbing portion of the evening! What You’ll Need: Slacks; suspenders; weight problem.
Slutty Hitler (BONUS! Historical Context Costume Crossover) Works particularly well if your man is of the non-Gentile persuasion. What You’ll Need: Moustache; low-cut Sturmabteilung uniform.
His Slutty Ex-Girlfriend / Jeff from Accounting’s Slutty, New Girlfriend It’s you fucking Jeff from Accounting. What You’ll Need: His mailing address; a camcorder; two U.S. postal stamps.

Jen Statsky spends most of her time telling people she has no idea where Hutch is. When she’s not doing that, she enjoys writing, comedy, and The Golden Girls, which she has found to be both written and comedic. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s and at jenstatsky.com, but never her parents’ fridge door. And there were plenty of available magnets, too.

What Not to Give Trick-or-Treaters on Hallowe’en Night

Nathan Thornton

Cucumber / chèvre / salmon roe canapés

“Fun Size” Salem Lights

Your band’s demo tape

The ol’ San Jose Shakedown

Photographs of themselves sleeping

Easter candy

Right-to-life pamphlets

Handmade coupons for a free back rub

Those peanut butter shit things in the black and orange wrappers

Kittens

Nathan Thornton lives, eats and sleeps in Columbus, Ohio, where he writes hilarious bios to accompany humor pieces, then shakes his head, reconsiders, and decides to play it straight. His work has appeared in a couple of other places, but he doesn’t like to make a big deal about it. And although he refers to himself in the third person, Nathan Thornton is me.

— Fiction —

Tonight's Tasting Menu

Lucas Klauss

The flavor of the biscuit, infused with fennel and East European herbs, will be striking, perhaps even shocking, and may remind you of a moment of betrayal in your life. Additionally, it will cleanse your mouth.