Monday, July 6, 2009

— Fiction —
Greeting Cards for the Music Critic in Your Life

Dirk Voetberg

Mother’s Day
To You, Mother ... While there's no denying you raised me--your third official release, decidedly better than your feeble sophomore effort--your interminable caring tends to often spill over into the precious and sentimental. Still, it has to be admitted that no one else so far in this post-Divorce era of my life seems capable of offering me anything that could compete with your earnest, yet lo-fi, letting-me-live-at-your-house chops. Therefore, your selfless love for me garners a very solid 8.3/10 rating.

Guy’s Birthday (humorous)
For Your Birthday, I Thought I'd Get You This Hot Babe

Easter for Granddaughter
For you this Easter, Granddaughter... Jesus Christ, Awaking from Death

Father’s Day
Radiohead ...Has a new album!!! Oh sweet God!! RADIO-FUCKING-HEAD!!!! NEW ALBUM!!!

Dirk Voetberg is a writer of some sort in Los Angeles, California He is half of The Elders of The Dark Tower (of Xxoron) video sketch group and nearly half of the controversial Beg for Mercy podcast.

— Calendrical Happenings —
Happy Birthday, America!
Republishing some of our Founding Fathers' favorites.
— Fiction —
Everything That Enters and Exits Angelina Jolie: A Daily Ledger
Owen Davis
Beautiful mega-star and child-rearing extraordinaire Angelina Jolie ingests one veggie sandwich late this morning, an unnamed personal assistant reports.
— Fiction —
Captain Ahab's Long-Lost Twitter Log
Peter Waldron
dreamt the beast again. I, in the water. From the inky deep he came, his open maw the very gate of Hell. Woke to kippers for breakfast. Yum.

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