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The Afghanistan Government’s Economic Stimulus Plan

Tax Breaks
If you make more than 50 chickens per year, you get a three-chicken refund. If you make fewer than 10 chickens and don’t have to pay income tax, you still get a payment of one lucky chicken foot. Postpones the Alternative Opium Tax for the record first time and has amendments for bailing out the nation’s hard-hit heroin industry.

Health Care
All citizens without insurance plans or those who have lost their jobs within the last 18 months will be offered COBRA group coverage from the United States government. This will replace all current COBRA coverage involving large venomous reptiles.

Infrastructure
Contains upwards of 100 Afghans to replace the decrepit, millennium-old trade routes with a new, modern-day dirt road. To help create new jobs, provisions ensure all dirt used must be made in Afghanistan by local workers.

Energy
All women and children will be part of new renewable-energy wind turbans. Any additional residents who take part in the program will get a credit of their firstborn’s life. Extra funds will be invested in environmentally friendly “sand-colored” jobs as well as toward a ruler to help draw an energy grid.

Education
Total of 94 Afghans will be spent on developing a No Child Left Behind program aimed at picking up all children who fall from camels.

Home Owners
Incentives to any first time homebuyer who purchases or builds a new home—including a guarantee that the Taliban will not seize it from you and kick you out for up to three days. Also contains a foreclosure plan with the Afghan Bank of America branch to ensure at least six months of time between when you miss payments and when the U.S. blows up your hut.