Saturday, June 6, 2009

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —
Beating a Dead Horse
(Triple Crown Equine Nomenclature)

Mike Richardson-Bryan

Suggested Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Ω Average at Best
Ω Ayn Rand’s Condescending Sigh
Ω Buyer’s Remorse
Ω Choke On Your Damned Caviar Then You Pompous Prick
Ω Cloud of Suspicion
Ω Colic the Wonder Horse
Ω Daddy Drinks Because I’m Slow
Ω Exit Strategy
Ω Faster Than God and Seabiscuit Put Together
Ω Fond of Long Naps
Ω For the Love of God Run Faster
Ω Glued Lightening
Ω Hell Is Other Horses
Ω Hitler Reborn
Ω I Have No Son
Ω Limp to Victory
Ω Low Expectations
Ω Luck o’ the Amish
Ω My Big Fat Fucking Pony
Ω Pride of Two Guys With No Business Owning a Horse
Ω Shoulda Bought a Monkey
Ω Slim to None
Ω Some Budding Young Actress’s Fit of Pique
Ω Squeak of Defiance
Ω Stupid Gypsy Curse
Ω This Is Your Horse On Drugs
Ω Torpor Unbound
Ω Tripsy McStumble
Ω Undisguised Contempt For All Things French
Ω War Criminal

Three-legged Man O' War

I Can Haz Triple Crown?

More Names for Racehorses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Ω Not This One
Ω Performance Anxiety
Ω Clockwise! Clockwise!
Ω Sp-Ed Racer
Ω Fearmakehorserunfaster
Ω Perfectly Edible
Ω Courtney Love’s Air-Tight Alibi
Ω Shame Spiral
Ω Clap Harder Much Harder
Ω Free To Good Home
Ω The Horse You Rode In On
Ω Sir Limps-A-Lot
Ω Daddy Needs A New Trachea
Ω Proceeds Of Crime
Ω Widowmaker
Ω Orphanmaker
Ω Hell-Bent For Pleather
Ω You Bought A What?
Ω Spirit Of Ignominy
Ω New Horse Smell
Ω This Is Not Happening
Ω Win One For Judas
Ω Suicide Watch
Ω Oh Please Oh Please Oh Please
Ω Rhymes With Abortion
Ω The Horse With No Name Or Depth Perception
Ω Princess Bloodfart
Ω I Can Haz Triple Crown?
Ω Ass-End of Karma
Ω Suckretariat

Mike Richardson-Bryan used to be a lawyer, but he’s all better now. No, really. His work has also appeared on McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, in the pages of Cracked, Stitches, and The Wittenburg Door, and recently appeared in The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007. He lives in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada with one wife and two dogs.

— Fiction —

How I Unwind

Mot Trablett

Today is gone but soon tomorrow will come and turn into today. Then today, formerly know as tomorrow, will become yesterday. Which reminds me of a song by Paul McCartney titled "Monkberry Moon Delight" from the album Ram.

— Fiction —

Wallace Stevens v. My Grandfather

Martin Bihl

My grandfather’s correspondence contesting an erroneous charge with Wallace Stevens, Vice President of the Hartford Insurance Company and influential Modernist poet (winner of the National Book Award for Poetry in 1951 and 1955).

— Fiction —

The Internal Monologue of Someone Looking for Waldo

Mick Rubio

Nothing like Waldo, Cave man, Sort of Waldo, Nothing like Waldo, Mass amount of people wearing red and blue ...

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