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Asshole High School Reporter Kristie MacDougal Buries the Lead

National Honor Society Volunteers at Hazel Findley in “Day of Service”
By Kristie MacDougal

WENTY-TWO members of the National Honor Society spent Saturday at Hazel Findley Nursing Home for the N.H.S. Day of Service. The volunteers began the day by helping to prepare and serve breakfast to a group of Hazel Findley residents that included several of the students’ grandparents and great-grandparents. N.H.S.-ers assisted Hazel Findley residents throughout their daily schedules, from routine medical monitoring to callisthenic exercises.

However, the residents weren’t the only ones to benefit from the Day of Service: the volunteers were treated to a Living History session in the afternoon, when elderly residents were given the opportunity to tell stories of the community as it existed long before any of the N.H.S.-ers were born. Resident Casper Pline described how, as a high school senior in 1941, he and nearly a quarter of his male classmates joined the army the day after the attack on Pearl Harbor. Resident Janet Witty, grandmother of N.H.S. volunteer Stacey Smith, recalled the courtship of Smith’s parents. Witty stated that Smith’s father was a closeted homosexual, which explains the divorce of Smith’s parents this past year.

Next month, N.H.S. volunteers plan to repaint the playground equipment at St. Joe’s elementary.

Editorial: It’s Time to Ban Sugar Pops from the Pop Machine
By Kristie MacDougal

VERY time you drink a can of Mountain Dew from the pop machine in the cafeteria you’re getting 10 teaspoons of sugar in the bargain. Many students are getting a quarter of their daily-recommended allowance of calories just from drinking pop. Studies have linked pop consumption to everything from obesity and diabetes to attention deficits and mood swings.

It’s time that the school stop profiting from the sale of sugar pop to its students. At little additional cost, the cafeteria could offer healthier options that actually improve students’ lives and their performances in class. Indeed, it is flatly hypocritical for the school to give Haley Waldgrave a D+ in P.E. for walking the entire mile run while it benefits from the very cause of her recent 37-pound weight gain: her five-can-a-day Mr. Pibb habit.

A note to Principal Needham: The pop machine could dispense a can of Slim•Fast just as well as it does a bottle of Orange Crush.

Redwing Boys Pull Up Short Against Okemos
By Kristie MacDougal

UR Redwing boys varsity basketball team played league-leading Okemos tight Friday night but fell short in a furious finish to the game, losing 45–47. For most of the game the Redwings were able to neutralize the Chieftains’ advantage in the post with a 2–3 zone, but they found themselves down by six with two minutes remaining. With the help of two steals from their full-court press, Redwings guard Tyler Kirby tied the game with a floater down the lane with thirteen seconds remaining.

Okemos center Jeff Cook scored the Chieftains’ final basket on an open lay up at the other end of the court, but he left the Redwings four seconds to win the game. The Redwings were able to inbound the ball to reserve forward Christopher Haynes, recently reinstated to the team from a suspension for throwing a dissected frog at a substitute teacher, but Haynes’s three-point shot at the buzzer rimmed out. Experts say serial killers often kill and dismember small animals before committing more serious offenses.

The loss leaves the Redwings tied for fourth in the Mid-Michigan B League with a 2–3 record.

J.V. Coach Dietch joined the team in the showers after the game.