— Fiction —

Tom Cruise Brought to You By …

“Valkyrie will test the mettle of a 46-year-old Mr. Cruise: If it fails, his status as a superstar, damaged by a rough parting with Paramount Pictures, slips another notch”. — The New York Times, Nov. 17, 2008

“In a down economy, Spam sales are up … [It is] perhaps the emblematic hard-times food in the American pantry.” — The New York Times, Nov. 15, 2008

ood morning, this is Tom Cruise. What a fabulous January day. I love this time of year. I’m thankful for these good times, this wonderful world we live in. I’m especially thankful for my new movie Valkyrie, which opened December 26. I play a Nazi chief who conspires to bomb Hitler. Boom! Sensational!

I love talking about my movies. Love it! However, I’m also here today to talk about the major corporate sponsor of my movie, Spam. I have to tell you something—these are tough times. The world is a hard place, but thanks to this financial crisis Spam sales are on the rise. It’s back in a huge way. Spamdamonium! I just made that word up. I love yelling out words. Did you know sometimes when I’m having a tough day, I yell out the names of my movies. It makes me feel better. Top Gun! Ha!

L. Ron Hubbard said the basic principle of existence is survival, or as I like to put it, not dying. Let me tell you one thing. I am uncompromisingly dedicated to surviving, and what better way of getting through these tough economic times than plowing through several cans of Spam. Who wouldn’t want to subsist on a food hybrid that has been around for 60+ years? Look, I know “real” food has been around for thousands of years. I know Spam was made up by some guy named Hormel, but isn’t it satisfying to be eating something different than everyone else? Vanilla Sky!

I’ve already convinced Katie that Spam is the future. She wasn’t a believer until I came along, and now she can’t get enough of that wild and woolly combination of ham, pork, potato starch, and sodium nitrate. You don’t know the history of Spam. I do. I’ve read the research papers, I’ve done the analysis. Spam is on the rise, along with Velveeta, Cheez Whiz, and almost any other type of easy-to-digest, substance-seeming food. Did I mention I completely understand Spam? Rain Man!

People thought I couldn’t play the part of a German war hero. Well, I ask you, did you think a rectangular piece of foodstuff could ever grace the dinner table as a main course? Don’t let my complete lack of a German accent fool you. I am the real deal. I love Spam. I adore it. I pump Spam. I pump it! I build Spam block towers for Suri. I jack my car up with Spam when I change a tire. I caulk my bathroom walls with Spam. I am crazy about Spam. Absolutely insane for it!

Work with me here. I’m telling the Spam story because if someone doesn’t tell it, it gets taken out of context, and people start making stuff up. You have to understand this, O.K.? Understand one thing. I’m passionate. And when you’re passionate, you know things. I know there are Spam cynics. I understand that sometimes Spam looks a bit putrid, is a bit stinky, and often does better surrounded by other foods. Sometimes it’s inedible, and you just want to take a step back and say, how could I have shelled out the money to sit through this entire meal? Well, guess what, it’s our responsibility to educate. Help me, help you!

Look, the world is changing. Companies everywhere are cutting back, but Spam sales are through the roof. Thank God they are sponsoring this movie. The economy has affected us all, and Spam, just like me, fits well into a recession budget. If you watch my movie, you get a history lesson. You get to be entertained while learning something. I love learning, love it! I just updated the Spam Wikipedia entry with some facts.

Cocktail.

I won’t lie to you, MGM needs money. I need money. I’ve lost count of how many times this picture has been pushed back. But you know what? I’m resilient, just like my movies. Did you know the shelf life of a can of Spam is indefinite if the product seal is unbroken? Indefinite! That means Spam will outlive us all. Spam is the key to our next civilization. I’m stockpiling Spam as we speak. I’m standing one-legged on a stack of five cans right now!

O.K., I admit the last time I served Spam it turned out a bit dry. People said it was overdone. They said they wanted something new, something they hadn’t tried before. Can I tell you one more thing? I’m a risk-taker. Half the time I don’t even know what I’m going to say or do next. That’s why I just decided to completely reinvent Spam. I’m going to start adding real ham and pork to the stuff already in it. Spam with real food. I’m mixing up the real and the fake. Ha, so novel. I love it!

So please, go buy some Spam. It holds a special spot in our nation’s history as a source of cheap and filling consumption in hard times. When you think of a Hitler assassination attempt, think of Spam. Please see my movie.

Risky Business!