Tuesday, January 20, 2009

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —
So Long, Mr. President: Bush Feet Under

James Connelly

The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration

This article was originally published on July 23, 2008, such was the eagerness to see Mr. Bush & Co. vacate the premises.

FADE IN:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE SOUTH PORTICO – DAWN

TITLE CARD: JANUARY 20, 2009

A light snow falls as a White House USHER places the last of several suitcases in the trunk of a Toyota Prius. GEORGE BUSH, DICK CHENEY, CONDOLEEZA RICE, KARL ROVE and DON RUMSFELD look on. The usher slams the trunk shut.

USHER
All ready, sir.

The usher opens the car door. George walks to the car and looks back.

CHENEY
Call us when you get there.

GEORGE
Will do. Goodbye.

George gets in, starts the car and drives away. In the rearview mirror he sees his former administration waving. He notices a CD on the dashboard with the words CONDOLEEZA’s UNHIP MIX written on it. He puts it in the player.

We hear Sia’s “Breathe Me.”

CUT TO:

EXT. ATLANTIC OCEAN, OFF THE COAST OF FLORIDA – DAY

The stern of a sinking yacht is below water, an enormous hole in its side. DICK CHENEY, blood dripping from the stump of a missing arm, swings an oar at the gaping mouth of a massive GREAT WHITE SHARK.

TITLE CARD:

Richard Bruce Cheney 1941–2015

CUT TO: EXT. TEXAS STATE FAIR – NIGHT A packed stadium applauds as a MOTORCYCLE RIDER, dressed in a red-white-and-blue costume reminiscent of Evel Knievel, speeds into the opening of a long tunnel of fire. From the POV of the audience, we see the end of the tunnel, still burning furiously. After several moments, the motorcyclist has not emerged from the tunnel. CUT TO: A man in the grandstands solemnly removes his cowboy hat and holds it over his chest. TITLE CARD: Karl Christian Rove 1950–2011 CUT TO: INT. PRIUS (MOVING) – DAY Bush driving, wipes a tear from his eye. CUT TO: INT. ST. REGIS HOTEL BALLROOM – NIGHT DON RUMSFELD, dressed in a tuxedo, is giving a toast to a large wedding reception crowd. As he speaks a HUAORANI TRIBESMAN steps forward and shoots a red feathered dart from a blowgun into Don’s NECK. TITLE CARD: Donald Henry Rumsfeld 1932–2017 CUT TO: INT. ABANDONED VICTORIAN MANSION – NIGHT CONDOLLEEZA RICE is frantically hammering a plank over a smashed window while the fishy white hands of ZOMBIES poke through. A throng of the undead smashes through a door behind her. She throws the hammer at one of them, who bites her in the HEAD. TITLE CARD:

Condoleezza Rice 1954–2013

BACK TO:

EXT. WHITE HOUSE SOUTH PORTICO – A FEW MINUTES LATER

DICK CHENEY, CONDOLEEZA RICE, KARL ROVE, and DON RUMSFELD watch as the Prius slowly pulls beside them. The window unrolls and we hear Sia’s “Breathe Me.” GEORGE BUSH pokes his head out.

GEORGE
Hey, Rummy, how do I get out of here?

DON RUMSFELD crouches beside the open window.

RUMSFELD
Uh, you’ll want to turn around, go through the big gate and turn left. That’ll take you to the main highway.

GEORGE
Oh, O.K. Turn left. I can do that. Well, so long.

RUMSFELD Goodbye, Mr. President. The group’s POV: The Prius rolls away, past the White House GATE, and they see the car’s RGHT TURN SIGNAL blink. EXT. WHITE HOUSE ENTRANCE – DAWN The Prius turns LEFT, we hear screeching tires just before a black HUMMER SMASHES into the left side of the car. The Prius spins and then stops, nearly folded in half. TITLE CARD: George Walker Bush 1946–2009 FADE TO WHITE. James Connelly works for the Electric Co. in Phoenix, Arizona. He writes for publications such as Randy Gentleman, Lavatory Etiquette Monthly, and The Nose Putty Journal, which are nonexistent.