— Fiction —

Lolita’s Grown-up Xmas: Producers’ Notes

1. Downturn-in-the-economy-update: No-go on the clean sand, orange trees, friendly dogs, sea vistas and smiling faces, luxurious hotel, jewels, casinos, silk, boating, biking, summer dusk, nubile American princesses tripping on E and listing toward us like towers of Pisa. Riviera setting now considered impractical. Reasons:

a) location costs
b) location costs
c) location costs
d) focus group reaction to toplessness + knockers with over 50 years on the odometer has been … mixed.

2. Point 1d applies even to Sharon Stone. (We tested.)

3. Honchos standing firm on sending the message that “pedophilia pays.” An incarcerated Lolita? Think Caged Heat meets, well, Lolita. Speaking of Caged Heat, does anyone know if Jonathan Demme is tied up through 2011?

4. Where’s the remorse, here comes trouble, sees the light, forms a bond, receives a visit, starts to backslide, plans a break, beats the odds, makes for border, oh so close, time in seg, fights her demons, re-sees the light, resists an injustice, leads a crusade, hits a setback, rallies the troops, musters the funding, wraps the presents, offered the beard, kiddies in line, struggles with temptation, better side triumphs, smiles all around. Fade to black.

5. Thought: Lolita shares cell with Mary Kay Letourneau. Needed: research on does anyone remember who M.K.L. is. Will anyone remember who M.K.L. is when LGUX releases in Xmas 2011.

6. Animal Planet keen on tie-in with Cell Dogs. Only caveat is keep it clean.

7. Strategies for steering prospective audience away from the book before word gets out about LGUX? Book is interest-killer. “Flanneled potentate”? “Inherent singularity”? “Sumptuous La Beauté Humaine”??

8. Confirmed: Sue Lyon, Lolita of 1962 version, will come out of retirement to do cameo. In-joke, but scores Oscar points.

9. Fact check. Does it matter that “in the book” Lolita dies in childbirth at age 30?

10. Update: Sharon Stone holding out for a bigger pay packet. Bah Humbert.