— How To —

Glamour Magazine’s Sex, Love & Life Columnists Interpret Your Husband’s Testicular Configuration

Configuration: Both descended
What he’s trying to say: You are a warm and calm presence in my life.

Configuration: Left descended, right elevated
What he’s trying to say: I am exhausted after a hard day’s work. I would like you to pour me a glass of milk. Thank you.

Configuration: Right descended, left elevated
What he’s trying to say: I do not like it when you put on that slightly racist accent. Please don’t do that. I would like us to hug now.

Configuration: Both elevated
What he’s trying to say: Please put your hands on some part of my body that I feel comfortable with you touching and then quietly reassure me that it is a nice part of my body and that you are impressed with it. Thanks.

Configuration: Tangled (right over left)
What he’s trying to say: That man who was playing saxophone in the shopping center looked a bit like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, don’t you think? I know it wasn’t Mahmoud Ahmadinejad but do you think there is any way that somehow it actually was Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?

Configuration: Tangled (left over right)
What he’s trying to say: I am sorry that I suggested to the girl behind us in the line that we buy our spaghetti sauces together. That was a lot of hassle for 25% off the recommended retail price.

Configuration: Gathered at left hand side of sack
What he’s trying to say: Do you remember when everyone was terrified about SARS? You don’t hear about SARS very much any more, do you? I would like us to cuddle now. Thank you.

Configuration: Gathered at right-hand side of sack
What he’s trying to say: If you beat my fastest lap on Ghost Valley 1 on Super Mario Kart then you should expect that I might not talk to you in quite the same way until I get that record back. Sorry.

Configuration: Left oversized, right normal
What he’s trying to say: I notice that quite a lot of children graze their chins. You see them with these little kind of bandage beards. But not many adults graze their chins. Why do you think that is?

Configuration: Left oversized, right shrunken
What he’s trying to say: I wish we cuddled with our slippers on more often.

Configuration: Right oversized, left normal
What he’s trying to say: Today I wore deodorant on only one armpit, for reference.

Configuration: Left normal-sized, right shrunken
What he’s trying to say: The next time you send me an email please use lots of rich text. I like it a lot when you use rich text in emails. Thank you.

Configuration: Right normal-sized, left shrunken
What he’s trying to say: I would like to lift you above my head and spin you round on my one finger like I was a Harlem Globetrotter. I would like to be a Harlem Globetrotter. I would like us to spoon now. Thanks.