— How To —

November 2008 Election Guide

President
Research the platforms and experience of both candidates. Using this information, make lists of the pros and cons of each of the contenders. Then ask Jenny Cornfield who she is voting for. When she answers, say, “Yeah, me too. This is the most important election, like, ever.”

Senate
Look up the incumbent senators voting record online. If the challenger (or two challengers if there is no incumbent) has experience in either the House or state legislatures, look up his or her relevant voting records and compare this with your priorities. Then, while you are pretending to read The New York Times and listening in on Jenny Cornfield’s conversation with Tonya Keifer (who is ugly and who you would never even consider asking to the office Christmas party) in the break room, try to pick up hints on who she is voting for. Later, casually mention that you have donated money to and/or volunteered for that campaign.

Ballot Initiatives (If applicable in your state)
Read the full text of all the ballot initiatives. Next, research which organizations are supporting and opposing each initiative, and find out why. Then, while you are reading Jenny Cornfield’s email after everyone else has left the building, because of course she used her paternal grandmother’s maiden name as her password, see if she has sent any emails relating to the ballot initiatives. (Hint: Search for “Please Forward Widely!!!!”)

City Council
Read the op-eds in the local newspapers covering the election. If the city is hosting a candidate’s forum or debate, attend and take notes. If you are still undecided, count all the yard signs in your neighborhood supporting the candidates. Collect all these signs, and arrange them in the shape of a skull and crossbones on the lawn of Brian Teager, who has nothing that you don’t have and could never truly appreciate Jenny Cornfield. Light signs on fire.

School Board
Use your one phone call to tell Jenny Cornfield that you were only jogging by and were trying to extinguish the fire when the police came. If it comes up in conversation, ask her which candidate she likes for school board.