Take this 12-question quiz and find out!
1. How often do you go to Church?
[ ] Once a year.
[ ] Three times a lady.
[ ] All the time; Church’s new Jalapeño Blades are so much better than White Castle’s Intestinal Leakers!
2. Were you raised in a religious household?
[ ] Does football count as a religion?
[ ] I often fantasize about Jesus going down on me.
[ ] Hell yeah, we raised da roof with our faith! Oooh! Oooh!
3. How often do you inspect your own feces?
[ ] Hang on, let me put this down for a second …
[ ] What the hell are those?! I don’t remember eating bloodberries!
[ ] Only when it smells like a good cookout.
4. How often do you drink? 
[ ] Once a week.
[ ] More than once a week.
[ ] I’;m ddonnt evkler drhiamk.
5. How do you feel about same-sex marriages?
[ ] For ’em.
[ ] Against ’em.
[ ] It all feels the same if you close your eyes.
[ ] What’s the big deal?! I’m married and I’ve been having the same sex for years! [Rimshot!] HEY-OH!
6. Do you believe in Hell?
[ ] Everyone else seems to, and I’m not really a “boat-rocker.”
[ ] My old lady told me that taking this quiz would make me a better lover.
[ ] Yes, Hell is very, very real. I like paste.
7. Who da Man?
[ ] Satan.
[ ] Jesus.
[ ] LeBron James.
8. Miley Cyrus is … 
[ ] Pretty.
[ ] Fucking.
[ ] Hot.
[ ] I am a borderline pedophile.
9. Men …
[ ] Absolutely not. Oh, wait, what was the question?
[ ] Are the superior white meat.
[ ] Seem to be doing pretty alright for ourselves these days, eh?
10. Women …
[ ] Are the boon of my existence. Oh, sorry, I mean the “bane” of my existence …
[ ] Can’t live with ’em, can’t shoot ’em … unless you have a silencer. [Rimshot!] HEY-OH!
[ ] Smell like vanilla and taste like sushi.
[ ] I want my mommy.
11. How many times have you seen the Garfield movie? 
[ ] Zero.
[ ] Oh God … I am going to Hell, aren’t I?
12. When I told my boss to “suck my left nut” I was:
[ ] So on point, bro, nice one! NICE! Um … so you got that rent check?
[ ] Unveiling my own trompe l’oeil as I vigorously shook my crotch in front of his face, presenting the illusion that I actually had three testicles.
[ ] Yelling at my paycheck behind the soda machine on the 20th floor.
Now, tally up your points and see if you’re going to Hell!
0–10 points: You’re going to Hell!
10–26 points: You’re going to Hell!
67–92 points: … Wait, there was a point system? Screw this.
-923847 points: [Rimshot!] HEY-OH!
Ed Murray is a standup comic who has performed at various clubs in New York City. He has been published online at McSweeney’s, Yankee Pot Roast, Entropy, and in print for Jest, The Best of PulpLit 2002-2004, and Oddfellow magazines. More of his oh-so-blinding genius can be seen at: http://thirdevolution.blogspot.com.
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