Wednesday, September 10, 2008

— How To —
11 Words That Sound Offensive, But Aren’t

#1: Shittah

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“I went to Fenway Pahk yestahday, and had to pay a dollah to use the shittah.”
“Pissah!”

Correct usage in conversation:
“Noah built the Ark of shittah wood, and then packed thousands and thousands of animals into it.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I’ll pray for your soul.”

What it means:
The tree that yielded the shittimwood of the Bible, probably a species of acacia

#2: Prickmadam

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“Here’s my prick, madam.”
“That’ll be $50.”
“What do you charge for a shittah?”

Correct usage in conversation:
“I just ate a shitload of prickmadam. Sorry about the carpet.”
“That’ll be $500.”
“Pissah!”

What it means:
Any of several species of stonecrop, used as ingredients of vermifuge medicines.
(It’s a plant that makes you shit parasitic worms out.)

#3: Titular

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“She has the nicest titular area I’ve seen in a coon’s age.”
“Excuse me while I masturbate.”
“Why don’t you do that in the shittah?”

Correct usage in conversation:
“She’s the titular head of the National Organization of Women.”
“That would explain the mustache.”

What it means:
Having a particular title, rank, or position, but not possessing the power or exercising the functions usually associated with it

#4: Dickey grind (or, nasty grind)

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“Would you like to do the Dickey grind in my titular area?”
“Here’s my prick, madam.”
“That’ll be $50.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“I saw her doing the Dickey grind at the skate park yesterday.”
“Excuse me while I masturbate.”
“Dude, she has a mustache.”

What it means:
An inline skating trick by which the skater turns 90 degrees clockwise to mount a surface, sliding with the trailing foot backward and the back skate on its outside edge

#5: Cockchafer

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“Never do the Dickey grind in that prickmadam’s titular area. She’s a real cockchafer.”
“What does she charge for a shittah?”
“That’ll be $50.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“All these trees are infested with cockchafer.”
“Pissah! What kind of trees are those, anyway?”
“Shittah!”

What it means:
A large European beetle with larvae that destroy trees and other plants. Family Scarabaeidae.

#6: Horehound

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“Bob is such a horehound, he paid $50 to do the Dicky grind on that cockchafer prickmadam’s titular area. Then he did a shittah and gave her a Dirty Sanchez.”
“That would explain the mustache.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“My horehound is infested with cockchafers.”
“Pissah!”

What it means:
A bitter perennial mint with downy leaves and square stems.

#7: Cooter

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“That prickmadam’s titular area is a real cockchafer, but I’d pay $50 to do a Dickey grind in her cooter.”
“You’re such a horehound.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“How do you like my girlfriend’s cooter?” [Pointing to her cooter.]
“Pissah!”

What it means:
A large freshwater turtle native to the eastern United States. Genus Chrysemys.

#8: Hand organ

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“I’m a real horehound, but I don’t have $50 to pay a prickmadam to let me do the Dicky grind in her cooter, so you’ll have to excuse me while I go crank my hand organ.”
“Better not do it in the shittah. It’s infested with cockchafers.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“How do you like my girlfriend’s hand organ?”
“I prefer her cooter.”

What it means:
A mechanical musical instrument with a bellows, played by turning a crank

#9: Uvula

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“Honey, show him your uvula.”
“Excuse me while I go to the shittah.”
“When you come back, I’ll show you her cooter.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“How do you like my girlfriend’s uvula?
“I can best express these feelings on my hand organ.”

What it means:
A small, fleshy, U-shaped extension of the soft palate that hangs above the tongue at the entrance to the throat.

#10: Assagai

Incorrect usage in conversation:
“Thata Luigi, he’s a reala assagai.”
“He shoulda be carefula he doesnta geta shittah on his handa organ.”

Correct usage in conversation:
“When I stiffed that prickmadam for $50, she threw an assagai at me.”
“At least she didn’t infest you with cockchafers.”

What it means:
A slender hardwood spear with an iron tip, used especially by the Zulu peoples of southern Africa.

#11: Niggard

Incorrect usage in conversation:
You know what? Let’s just skip this part.

Correct usage in conversation:
THERE IS NO CORRECT USAGE. Don’t ever, ever use it, whatever you do. Ever.

What it means (as if it matters):
Somebody regarded as stingy or miserly, if you live long enough to explain it.

WARNING: #11 is a perfectly harmless word, if by “harmless” you mean you don’t mind losing your job, and possibly having a cinder block introduced to your cranium. Even when you use this word innocently, you are taking your life into your own hands.

Adam Laceky is a powder-keg of ambivalence, cavorting precariously on the tightrope between bonhomie and petulant narcissism. His attempts at humor can be found scattered hither and yon about the Internet. The freeze-dried corpse of his political humor site can be viewed at http://carpandflounder.150m.com. He’ll have that $5 he owes you as soon as he gets it. Don’t be such a whiny little bitch.

— Fiction —

Since When Is Rampant Incompetence a Valid Reason for Dismissal?

Michael Baylis

If borrowing the occasional AA battery from the occasional smoke alarm makes me "irresponsible" then you may as well just call me "Mr. Irresponsible."

— Fiction —

Remember the Children

Mike Richardson-Bryan

Our once-beautiful airship, the Frau Fenstermacher, is doomed, crippled by a combination of albatross collisions and sabotage. Captain Hofstadter is dead, impaled on his own cane-sword, taking with him the secret location of Isla de Pelucas Perdidos. We are losing altitude as I speak, and will soon plunge into the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean.

— Recycled but Re-Relevant —

What if We Were to Tell You We Had a Very Funny Thing Called "Entourage Chat Room"? Is That Something You Might Be Interested In?