— Fiction —

I Don’t Understand Why My Amateur Party-Motivating Service Is Losing Business

House Party, Upper East Side, New York
“Aw, yeah, party people! Eric Feezell, a.k.a. DJ Dewayne E. Wax, on the microphone! How’s everybody feeling tonight? I can’t hear you. I said HOW’S EVERYONE FEELING TONIGHT?! All riiiiight! (Raises roof by pushing up air.) Hey, y’all know what time it is now, right? Anybody? Seriously, anybody got a watch? I left my cell in the car and I’ve got another, higher-paying gig to get to pretty soon.”

Tyler Wedding Reception, Houston, Texas
“Anybody heard the one about the bride, the groom, and the camel? Anyone? Hey, I’m just trying to lighten things up a little, seeing as how none of you is dancing at the moment. Anyway, how about I let Deee-Lite do a little Deee-Lite-ening up for us? Yeah, the bride knows what I’m talking about! (Doing pelvic rotations.) Groove is in my paaaaaa-a-a-a-aants! Groove is in my paaaaaa-a-a-a-a-a-a-aants!”

Mike Hirsch’s 30th Birthday Party, Brooklyn, New York
“All right, it’s time for some call and response. You ready? This is gonna sound hella tight, cousins. All the ladies in the place, when Dewayne E. Wax say ‘nar,’ you say ‘whal.’ Ready? NAR! (Cupping hand around ear while holding microphone toward guests.) Come on, now! Narwhal, people! Cetaceans in da house! Get it? Narwhal. Nar-what!?”

All-Night Yacht Party, Miami Beach, Florida
“Hey, on the count of three, can I get a ‘Dewayne … E … Wax!’? Ready? One … two … three! That’s all you got? That was weak, people. Remind me never to come to Florida again, O.K.? You people suck.”

House Party, Austin, Texas
“I have a question for everyone here tonight: Are you ready to rock and roll?! (Various cheers and whistles from the crowd.) All right, that’s what I thought! Allow me to warm things up with some passages from my favorite translation of Baudelaire’s Les Fleurs du mal!

Folly, depravity, greed, mortal sin
Invade our souls and rack our flesh; we feed
Our gentle guilt, gracious regrets, that breed
Like vermin glutting on foul beggars’ skin.

Graduation Party, Penn State College
(Holding up a jar full of live bees.)
“Sing it with me, people! Ain’t no party like a one-where-I-release-live-bees partaaay! Heyyy! Hoooo!!”

Goldberg Bar Mitzvah, Malibu, California
“Oy! What a nice group of Hebrew hotties up in this joint tonight! (Thrusting pelvis three times.) Oy … oh … boy! But I’m not seeing any of you Jewish princesses shakin’ your fine tucheses out on that dance floor! Come on, now! You, there. What’s your name? What’s that? Elaine? Elaine what? Goldberg? Horowitz? Bronstein? I can name Jewish surnames alllll night! What’s that? Horowitz, is it? Well, come on out here with me right this minute, Elaine Horowitz! I’d like to show you a little dance I invented myself. It’s called … ready for this? The Hitler Robot.”

Emily Wiser’s 21st Birthday Bash, Ruby Room, San Francisco, California
“Hey, hey, hey, listen up, folks. Before we sing Happy Birthday to Emily, I’d like to get a shout-out from all you stupid, ugly, retarded-ass, skank bitches and hos in the hizzie. Ohhhhhh, yeah! Now sing along! Haaappy birthdaaay tooo yooouuu …”

Maryland School for the Deaf Alumni Party
“All right, all right! How’s everyone feeling tonight? Hello? (Hands up in a ‘what the hell’ gesture.) I’m asking what the current condition of this party is. Good? So-so? Whatever, then. You don’t have to answer. It’s a rhetorical question anyway, you pretentious fucking douchebags.”