— How To —How to Convince the Widow from Accounting That the One-Night Stand Was “Part of Her Recovery”
- Employ as many bicycle-related metaphors as possible (e.g., training wheels, getting back on after falling off); after a month, stick exclusively to tandem bicycle references (e.g. it takes two to engage in empty sex)
- Remind her that since marrying, there have been plenty of new sexual positions created and that she needed to be “brought up to speed”
- Suggest that she’s going to start dating again sometime, and if she’s going to be used and discarded it might as well be with a guy she knows
- Assuage any guilt by stating that making love is a celebration of life, whether in a honeymoon suite or the cloak room at a funeral home
- Reiterate that her late husband would have wanted it this way; if required, tell her that you’ve been to a séance and communicated with him from the other side, whereupon he cleared her of any wrong-doing but suggested that she’s “let the backyard go”
- Tell her that you’ve fucked all kinds of widows and “they’ve always turned out all right … so far as I’ve heard”
- Make light of the encounter, referring to it as a distraction like playing with a yo-yo; say that you didn’t realize her late husband was a nationally recognized yo-yo champ as you gather her up from the floor
- Remind her that the sex wasn’t that good; say that you were thinking you’d left the oven on so you weren’t “really in the game”
- Refer her to a grief counseling service, then enter the nearest confessional and ask the priest to wash clean your foul, rancid soul; don’t take his “See you in Hell” response personally
- Connect her with the barely sexual guy from H.R. who only enters relationships to “fix” women; consult your newly emptied schedule and peruse the obituaries for any familiar names
Jesse McLean lives and works in Toronto, where he is currently writing the pilot for a Fox sitcom entitled Shakespeare & Marlowe: The Original Odd Couple. Mr. McLean is accepting casting suggestions and dick jokes in iambic pentameter.
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